Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Many moons ago when I was about eighteen years old, I got invited to a good friend's Hen Party.
A gang of about six of us had planned to meet up in a pub in London on the afternoon of the do, with the intention of getting some Hen Party odds and ends and also a pressie for the Bride.
We planned our shopping list over a couple of bottles of wine and then headed off to the nearest shop that sold... well... 'adult' toys.
Giggling and blushing we surveyed the array of goods on display, and after some deliberation we all agreed on getting the bride a splendid, shiny, gold vibrator as after an earlier conversation we'd learned that she'd never seen one before and to tell the truth, most of us had never seen one either, being so young and innocent back then.
We also got some of the more usual Hen accessories, and after the chap working the cash register reminded us to get some batteries, we headed back to the pub, still giggling and blushing.
We ordered some more wine while we had a look at our purchases, but as the pub was rather busy, we decided to take the vibrator into the loo to see what it did.
We waited until there were no other people in the loos before carefully unwrapping the box and putting the batteries into it so it would be ready to go at the party later.
Of course, we had to switch it on to make sure it worked and work it certainly did!
We set it on it's end on the shelf by the sinks and watched as it whirled around like a small, gold, penis-shaped dervish, all the while making a rather loud 'Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'.
As we watched and laughed we heard the door to the loos open and one of us quickly grabbed the vibrator and went to switch it off.
But it would not switch off.
A few seconds later a woman entered the toilets to be met by a group of girls all standing stock still and looking as innocent as possible whilst in the background a loud 'Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' filled the room.
As soon as the woman went into a cubicle we tried again to switch it off, but to no avail. We even tried to take out the batteries, but no luck there either.
Eventually, after about ten minutes it finally fell silent and stopped vibrating, and we put it back into the box and wrapped it before heading back to our drinks.
The Hen Party was great fun. The bride fell about laughing at her pressie and laughed even more when we told her what had happened in the pub. The rest of the night was rather blurry in parts, but I remember the stripper most vividly. Strange how some things stay in the memory after so many years, eh?
Anyway, that night we all stayed at one of our little gang's flat in Covent Garden, and the next morning we were woken by a strange noise.
A strange 'buzzing' noise to be exact.
Somehow the vibrator had switched itself on again, and once again we could not switch it off.
We were beginning to think it was possessed by that point, although what the heck would posses a vibrator we weren't sure.
After breakfast we all began to wend our separate ways home after promising to meet up again as soon as possible for another girl's night out. The bride took home her present after vowing to bring it back to the next party just for a larf.
Later that evening, I got a call from one of the girls who told me that the bride had had a very embarrassing incident on the train journey home.
She'd been sitting in a crowded carriage with her bag containing her pressie on the seat next to her and had been wearing her Walkman with the sound up rather loud.
Rather loud was too loud for her to hear the loud buzzing noise emanating from her handbag and it was only after she realized that everyone in the carriage was staring at her, did she, to her horror, figure out that the vibrator had switched itself on again.
She fled to the nearest toilet to try and shut the thing up, but yet again it refused and she had to wait about fifteen minutes before it at last decided to stop buzzing.
Nothing exciting (apart from the wedding) happened for about six months.
By then it was almost Christmas and us girls planned about night out.
We met up at the same pub and as promised, the bride had brought along the gold vibrator.
Fortunately the thing stayed silent throughout the night, and the next day after breakfast we made plans for the next do.
I'd been invited to another friend's Hen Party and I asked if I could borrow the vibrator to take along, as I'd told my friend about how it switched itself on-and-off at random and she wanted to see it for herself.
I really wish I hadn't as guess what happened while I was on the bus?
My handbag began to buzz and shudder and I ended up walking most of the way home along quiet backstreets.
Once at home I wrapped it up in as many plastic bags as possible (to muffle the sound in case it decided to have a buzz-fest) before shoving it underneath my sofa-bed.
All, apart from the occasional muffled buzzing from under my bed, was quiet for another few months, but then one day my home was sadly burgled.
It happened while my mum, dad and I were all out at work and I was the first one back to find the place ransacked.
Luckily the place hadn't been vandalized and the dogs were alright, but to say it was a bit of a shock was an understatement.
We all went through our things to see what had been taken so that we could give a list to the insurance company, and it was while I was checking for my jewelery box that I'd shoved right at the back of under my sofa-bed and was fortunately still there, did I realize that the possessed vibrator had been taken.
I thought about telling the police to keep an ear out for a loud buzzing noise that might bring them to the bastards who'd burgled us, but decided it was probably best not to.
But I can still imagine the expressions on the burglars faces as they found themselves with a gold vibrator that was possessed with a need to buzz whenever it wanted to and refuse to switch off until it was ready.
Oh, and I didn't put it on the list for the insurers either.