Horoscopes.
Your stars for the week ahead. (by not so Mystic, Misty)

Aries 20th Mar-19th Apr
It really would be a good idea to cut down on the drugs and alcohol. Fun though it is to wake up in a strange bed/town/country, it is safer to have some idea of how you got there in the first place. Your love life may suffer if you keep insisting on wearing that costume all the time. Destiny is saying stay away from the ferrets.

Taurus 20th Apr-20th May
I've just one thing to say to you. It's not funny or clever and besides, everyone has seen it now so just put it away! Love life? forget it. Destiny is telling you, yes, it is illegal, especially when it involves wallabies.

Gemini 21st May-20th Jun
Now is probably a good time to do some spring cleaning. Get a friend to help you get rid of any incriminating evidence, then bury them under the patio so they can't talk. Love life could be improved if you'd stop burying potential lovers under the patio. Destiny is telling you to keep your passport handy.

Cancer 21st Jun-22nd Jul
Your sweet, butter won't melt in your mouth routine is fooling no-one, so it's unlikely you'll be let off that charge of gross indecency. If you'd wanted any chance of a love life, you should not have done that, no matter how much they begged you to. Destiny says never do that again. Ever!

Leo 23rd Jul-22nd Aug

It's true, you really are God, Creator of all, and the One True Justice who will render vengeance to all unbelievers and sinners. Your love life will increase a thousand fold when your disciples devote themselves unto you and you alone. Destiny says the voices in your head are right this time.

Virgo 23rd Aug-22nd Sep
A freak accident involving an ice cream van, a marmoset and the entire cast of Les Miserables, could throw you off your usual routine this week, so it's probably best to stay in bed on Tuesday unless you want to explain it all to the insurance company that is. Love life? again, stay in bed on Tuesday. Destiny says we really mean it about Tuesday!

Libra 23rd Sep- 22nd Oct
Seriously, pay back the money you owe now otherwise they will carry out those threats. You can't run forever and they have people everywhere. Love life? the way you're doing it, it'll never last. Destiny sees horse's heads in your near future.

Scorpio 23rd Oct- 22nd Nov
A dream of yours is all set to become a reality. Sadly, it's the dream where you're naked and being chased by Cyborgs through a shopping centre. Your love life involves an altercation in a hospital. Destiny is telling you to leave the gun at home.

Sagittarius 23rd Nov-21st Dec
Your loud, boisterous, happy go lucky personality is really starting to piss people off. Try shutting up for once in your life before someone thumps you. Your love life would improve if you'd stop yelling out your own name during orgasm. Destiny is telling you to try Valium.

Capricorn 22nd Dec-20th Jan
Your sign is being eclipsed by Uranus, which sadly means you're in for a long bout of constipation. Try to avoid planning any long journeys, as you'll soon be spending a lot of time on the toilet. Love life? yeah, right! not when it's like that it won't!. Destiny is telling you to stop going on about that embarrassing personal problem.

Aquarius 19th Jan-18th Feb
You like to think of yourself as a mildly eccentric, creative dreamer but the reality is that you're so far away from any known plot, you're going to be sectioned any day now. Love life? real friends are better than imaginary ones who steal your armadillos, trust me. Destiny says to take the medication.

Pisces 19th Feb-19th Mar
Others may not believe you when you explain to them that you were abducted by aliens, so it might be a good idea to think up an alibi as to why you were found wandering naked in the park at 4am. Love life? You'll find using a water based lubricant will help. Destiny is telling you to go with the person who believes you about the aliens.