I don't believe it!, Seriously, I don't smegging believe it!

I have just spent the last ten minutes trying to get that f**king wood pigeon out of my house!

Being summer time, I foolishly left the landing window open, and just came out of the bathroom to be confronted by the feathered ba**ard perching on my top banister!

Our eyes met. We sized each other up. Was it here to apologize for the hammock incident? Did it want something? Were about forty of it's friends perched on the roof quietly waiting for the command to attack?

I edged closer to it thinking that maybe I could just shoo it back out of the window. Unfortunately, Pudsey decided to run upstairs at that moment, which caused the pigeon some alarm.

The s*d launched itself at me again which caused myself some alarm, and sadly it decided to head downstairs rather than out of the open window.

Bo**ocks I thought.

I stuck my nose out of the window to check it hadn't got a mob out there, and then headed downstairs to see where it had got too.

Hallway? No sign of it. Spare room? Not even a feather. Front room? Nope, not there either.

Which only left the kitchen.

There it was, munching the crumbs on my breadboard, happy as Larry and without a care in the world.

I summoned my fully trained and faithful obedient hound and gave her the command to seize the pigeon and escort it from the premises.

She went into the front room, jumped onto the sofa and sat back sniggering to watch me.

It was then I came up with a plan so cunning, it could have been thought up by a particularly clever fox that made a living as a confidence trickster.

I went back upstairs and got a large towel from the laundry pile.

Very, very quietly, I sneeked back down and tip-toed towards the bird that was still pecking away at the bread.

It was engrossed in it's meal and didn't notice me, even as I got to within a couple of feet of it...

I leapt forwards and threw the towel! The beastie tried to take off which to my delight meant I was able to wrap part of the towel around the little sh*t and trap it, Hurrah!

You're MY little pigeon now! I grinned to myself as it tried to flutter in it's wrapping.

Then there was a knock at the door.

I so wish I'd had someone videoing what happened next...

I opened the door. Standing there were two God Botherers.

"Good Morning" said the one holding a copy of The Watchtower, "Would you be interested in finding out more about Gods love of all living things?"

"No Thank you" I replied, "But here's one of His creations for you!" and opened the towel.

The scream as I closed the door on them was very pleasing indeed.