Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Ages and ages and ages ago, when I was lots littler, I was given a book of cartoons by the sublime, Charles Addams, featuring the Addams Family, and I believe that the man's wonderful creations, did a great deal to warp me influence me into the sick, evil puppy well balanced, person that I am today. Those that know me well, (and some of you that don't may have guessed) have noticed that my sense of humour can be a tad on the dark side at times, and I put that down to exposure to this sort of thing, when I was only just old enough to read.
(clicky for biggy)
Fortunately, a strict upbringing and plenty of solitary confinement, stopped me from behaving too much like Wednesday Addams, but my love of playing practical jokes that can be a little, erm... how can I put this...twisted?, has not dwindled completely over the years.
One of my greatest moments, happened when I was running a pub near Reading, which let out three rooms as B&B.
One night, all the rooms had been taken by a firm of builders; one in the single, two in the twin, and also three in the double which also had a sofa bed, and just happened to be separated from my room, by a corridor, which had been put in place when two adjoining buildings had been put together to form the pub as it stood then. Over the years, the corridor had been closed off, and then acted as a partition, which could not be noticed from the double room, but I could get into from my room, and was used as walk-in-wardrobe.
NB. I hope you didn't just skim that bit, as it all plays a rather important part of the story.
Now, the guest part of the building was reached by a staircase leading from what used to be the alley between the two parts, and the staff quarters were accessed via the bar and kitchen.
On the night in question, the bar was quiet apart from a couple of the regulars, and the lodgers, and after the lodgers had been fed and shown where their rooms were, they settled down, and started doing what chaps on expenses do best; ie: Drink!
They started chatting to me, asking questions about the pub and so, and after a while one of them said "It's a very old place, have you got any ghosts?
"Oh, yes!" I replied, "At the last count, we had three. One of a Victorian gentleman who keeps night watch over the bar, a young girl who some believe died in the alley, and also we've got what I think is a poltergeist"
I was not making this up, btw, but I decided it would be rather fun to embellish on their activities, and began to regale them with tales of broken glasses, eerie noises in the night, and lights going on and off at strange times, with no logical explanation.
Most of the blokes laughed, but one started looking a bit uneasy, so I asked him which room he would be in that night.
"I'm in the double, with that lot" he replied, and a sneaky, tricksy little plan started to ping the proverbial lightbulb over my head...
After the regulars had wended their ways home, I allowed the guys one last drink on the tab, during which I told them all a little more about the ghostly occurrences that went on, but allayed the scared ones fears, adding that the room they where in hadn't, to my knowledge, been affected.They then finished of their beverages, and trundled off up the wooden hill to their respective beddybyes.
I went about locking up the pub and cashing up, before making my way up the other stairs to my room.
Now, what I'm about to mention, is also imperative to this story.
The wall between the wardrobe and the double room, was as flimsy as a tent, being chipboard covered in wallpaper, and if the door to the wardrobe from my room was open, anybody in the double room could hear everything from my room, and vice-versa. But, if said door was closed, all was quiet. Also, the wall had only been put there as a stop gap measure, and by accident, we'd discovered that if the light in the wardrobe was switched on, the area around the wall in the double room, would glow like a Special Effect from a Sci-Fi movie.
Can you guess what I did next...?
Oh yes. I very quietly opened the wardrobe door, and waited in the dark until I heard them say their G'nights, and the first rumblings of gentle snores began.
I made my first move.

'Scratchetyscratchetyscratchety' went my nails on the partition wall...

"Oi, Jim! Did you hear that? came a voice from the other side...
"Shut up, it was nuffin" came the reply.


"Jim, Col, wake up! I fu*kin 'eard sumfin!" from the double room...
"Ian, just go to fu*kin sleep, wiil ya?" said Jim...
"Nah, Jim, I don't fink he's makin' it up, I reckon I heard sumfin that time an' all..." said Col.

I waited a few seconds, before standing up, and gently scratching the wall again, just behind where their headboard was...

That really got Jim's attention.
"It's probably a rat" he said nervously, "Just ignore it, it can't get in here anyway..."

I decided it was time for the big finale.


"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghwotthefuc*kinghellisthat?" Screamed Jim...
"Aaaaaaaaaaaarghfuc*fuc*fuc*fuc* lookat the wall!lookatthewall, lookatthefuc*ingwall!" Shouted Col...
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Mummy! Iwantmymummy!" wailed Ian...

I then switched off the light, and ever so, ever so quietly closed the door to the wardrobe, before climbing under my duvet, and laughing myself to spleep...

If only I could learn to use my powers for good.