Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dear America,

I would like to point out some regular mistakes that you make regarding your use of what you laughingly call 'English'.

First of all, why do you persist in saying 'Horseback riding'? It is simply 'horse riding' as where the hell else on a horse are you going to sit, it's head?
Stop it.

Secondly, when you refer to low-fat milk, it is called 'skimmed milk', not 'skim milk'. 'To skim' is a verb, therefore 'skim milk' is an instruction whereas skimmed milk, is milk that has been skimmed.
Got it?

Next, what the bloody hell do you think you mean by saying 'Write me'? You may think you are asking a person to correspond with you via letter, but in fact you are simply asking the person to write the word 'Me'. It is 'write to me.

As to your use of the verb 'Spit'. Yes, it is a verb, also known as a 'doing word', and 'doing words' have different tenses, ie: Past tense, present tense, future tense &c. Therefore, you must conjugate the verb. If you are remarking that some one has spat on you, you do not say "Hey, you spit on me!" but should use the past tense, which is 'spat'. If a person is in the process of spitting on you, it is again, not "You spit on me" but 'you are spitting on me'. The future tense however, is when you can use 'spit', as the conjugation of the verb leads to "I will spit on you".

And another thing, not on the subject of the English language, but basic first aid. I notice that in many of your television programmes (yes, programmes) if a person has a nosebleed you insist on making them tilt their heads back. That will make blood run down their throats which could lead to viewers of your programmes copying them and chocking on their own blood.
Actually, forget I just said that.

As I explained to an American friend of mine some years ago, "It is our language. We started it!", only to be met by the rejoinder, "Yeah, and we're gonna finish it!"

Thank you for listening,

Best wishes,