Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Back to Nature

Lots of moons ago I went to the then Yugoslavia. Apart from the company and the throngs of those truly awful British holiday makers* it was a really good holiday. The scenery was gorgeous; loads of sandy beaches lapped by crystal clear water surrounded by scented pine forests, all within walking distance of plenty of fabulous little bars and restaurants. Perfect, in my opinion, but sadly not perfect to the fucktard*** I went on holiday with, nor the opinion of the two couples that latched on to us as soon as we landed.
By the fourth day I was desperate to get away from conversations about how Yugoslavia was crap compared to England as no-one spoke English properly and the food was funny, and how they were going to redecorate their homes when they got back, and armed with a bag containing packed lunch, bottle of beer, lilo and a good book I set off exploring by myself for an afternoon.
A half hours walk took me to a really fabulous beach. Being so far away from the hotels there weren't that many people there and I found myself a spot to settle on, pitched my towel and headed into the sea with my lilo for a cooling swim.
The beach was part of a cove and as I paddled out I saw more of the surroundings. There were a fair few rocky outcrops around the cove which partially blocked parts of the beach which made parts of it even more secluded, and I decided to head out further so that I could find out what was behind one of the larger rocks.
As I drew nearer, I realized that most of the people in the sea around me were all women which surprized me until I also spotted what they were staring at.
About twenty yards or so from the outcrop where we were, was a very secluded part of the beach, and on that part of the beach was a naked man.
Actually, naked 'Adonis' would be a more apt description.
He was tall, with longish hair, golden tan and muscles on top of muscles.
In brief, he was the sort of man that made other men nervous and women thoughtful.
I decided that I'd paddled out far enough and settled down on the nearby rocks, and it seemed that the majority of the other women were also tired from swimming as they too decided to settle on the rocks, and before long there were about a dozen of us, all nonchalantly watching the naked stud-muffin as he began to do some Tai-Chi.
Of course, we all pretended we weren't watching, all we were doing was sunbathing and taking a break from all the swimming.
The man was truly mesmerizing.
So mesmerizing that none of us spotted the huge wave that was sneaking up behind us until it was far too late.
The naked man finally realized that he might have been being watched as all us women were swept towards him carried by the wave.
As we desperately tried to look cool and again, nonchalant but failing miserably as we spluttered and tried to remove seaweed and sand from parts of our anatomies that were not intended to have seaweed around them, to our dismay the God grabbed his towel, wrapped it around him and stormed off, never to return to the secluded spot again.
Well, he didn't return while I was there anyway.

*You know the sort; Union Flag shorts, tattoos, beer bellies and complaining about the lack of chips and tea**
**And that's just the women.
***I had my suspicions that the person was a fucktard before I went, the holiday simply confirmed them for me.