Friday, June 05, 2009

As is always the way, all good things must come to an end which sadly includes this party, but fear ye not, I have some fun things in store to ease you into the weekend, starting with this exchange of emails a friend of mine sent me. I laughed so much a little bit of wee escaped.

From: David
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and well being of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David
To: Helen
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.

From: Helen
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David,

I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David
To: Helen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David
To: Helen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.

From: Helen
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David,

under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen

From: David
To: Helen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.

From: Helen
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David,

I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen.


Moving on, something to getcha thinking caps on for being 'Songs For Perverts', eg:

Cock Around the Clock
Cum on Eileen
You'll Never Wank Alone
Blowing in the Wind
Great Balls of Fire
Hold on, I'm Coming
Sultans of Swinging
Good Vibrators
House of the Rising Bum
Bad to the Boner

And so on and so forth. Puerile I know, but all good clean fun, eh?

Next up is another quiz to find out 'The Animal in You', and for once I found the results pretty spot on. Apparently, I'm a Wild Cat!
So fess up, what's your inner animal then?

And finally, don't forget that last call for entries into the Haiku Competition is midnight tonight, so er... That's all for now folks!

Have a fabulous weekend, whatever you get up to!
ttfn,
*mwah*