Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Pin Down

Quite a few moons ago I went to a party in a flat above a pub.
It was on a Friday night and everyone there was determined to get into the weekend spirit with great gusto, and everybody was not only letting their hair down but shaking it loose and all about as well. Although the party was being held in the flat, most of the guests were taking advantage of the pub until closing time so that the drinks upstairs wouldn't run out early on
I'd gone with a couple of friends, one of which was going out with one of the chaps who lived in the flat, and as the evening progressed, the boyfriend in particular was shaking not just his hair about, but trying to shake anything else he could get hold of about as well.
He wasn't doing anything to hurt my friend, but his antics were getting more OTT the more he drank, and in brief, by about ten o'clock, he was making a total tit of himself.
My friend was understandably a tad upset by this and decided that it would be a good idea to get him upstairs and try to get some coffee into him and so the three of us and one of the other flatmates grabbed hold of him and between us managed to get him upstairs and onto the sofa.
The flatmate left us in order to go back to the bar as we boiled the kettle to get the coffee sorted.
After a cup of very, very strong java, the boyfriend seemed to sober up a bit, but after a little while we realized that he was not so sober after all.
Instead of just being drunk, he was now a drunk with a great deal of caffeine in him and the result was a bloke trying to make even more of a twat of himself as quickly as possible.
For some reason he decided he wanted to go back to the pub, but my friend was having none of that as she didn't want to be embarrassed by him in front of her other friends, and when he made to get up off the sofa, she grabbed hold of him and sat on him to stop him.
It didn't work and so she asked us to help keep him down which we did, and pretty soon we were all in fits of giggles as he tried to shake us off and we tried to pin him down.
But then the effect of the coffee wore off.
Within seconds the bloke was lying on his back and snoring for Queen and country, totally out for the count.
We tried tickling him, shaking him, shouting in his ears, and pouring cold water on him but nothing we did would rouse him from his stupor.
And so my friend decided to get him back for making a tit of himself and embarrassing her in front of all her friends.
The first thing we did was to apply some lipstick which was quickly followed by rouge, eyeshadow and glitter stars on his cheeks.
His shirt was replaced by a boob-tube stuffed with some socks, and his jeans were exchanged for a mini skirt and hold-up stockings.
As none of the girlfriend's shoes fitted him, his trainers had the laces replaced with bright pink ribbon and more glitter stars, and a long, curly blonde wig finished off the new look.
Trying not to laugh but failing miserably, we headed back down to the bar leaving the bloke snoring his head off.
We'd just bought a round of drinks when the bloke came back to the pub as well, much to the amusement of everyone in the bar.
He was still so ratted he didn't notice anything amiss, and for the next hour or so we all tried desperately not to burst out laughing as we watched him carry on, blind drunk and so beautifully tarted up.
It was only the next morning when he staggered to the bathroom and caught sight of his reflection that he realized that he was wearing women's clothes and make-up.
I can still hear the scream followed by swearing to this day, although I am desperately trying to blank the sound of him calling God on the Great White Telephone from my memory.
I don't have a photo, but according to my friend there are still some in circulation.
I keep checking Google images in the hope that I find one, but so far no such luck.