Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.

Some moons ago when my darling Pudsey was still alive and barking, the ex-partner-in-crime was staying in the downstairs bedroom.
It was the middle of summer and for a change the weather was hot, hot, hot, even during the night, and as Pudsey liked to get up and roam around the garden from time to time during the night, we would leave the back door open for her so that she didn't have to ask us to open it for her every time she wanted to go out.
This arrangement suited us all fine. Pudsey could take her leave of where to spleep and would start the night with me, then go check the garden for dragons before going to bark at the ex-partner-in-crime just for the hell of it. Then she would either jump on his bed to ensure he was as uncomfortable as possible for a few hours before making sure the garden was free of squirrels, taking a snooze on the sofa, then heading back up the apples and pears to keep me company again.
She would occasionally vary the routine and go to spleep on the sofa before waking the epic, but generally she would stick to being a doggy of habit.
One night she'd decided to bark at the ex for twenty minutes or so before padding back to the front room and claim her sofa before her next patrol.
The epic had just managed to get back to spleep when he felt the familiar weight of a smallish creature jumping onto his bed and turning a few circles, stamping on his legs as it did so.
He told it to please stop stamping on his and to go back to spleep and was rather surprized when the stamping suddenly stopped, as Pudsey was a stubborn pup when she wanted to be, and didn't take orders from him very seriously at all.
It was then that the ex noticed a strange smell; not strange as in 'odd', but as in unfamiliar.
Still half aspleep it took him a little while to notice that the creature on his bed weighed rather less than usual as well.
Switching on his bed side light he looked up and found himself staring at a fox, which was staring back at him with a most indignant expression at having the light suddenly in it's face.
The epic and the fox stared at each other for a moment before the epic told it to bugger off. To his surprize the fox simply gave him another baleful glare before heading back out to the garden via the kitchen.
The ex finally managed to get back to spleep, wondering if he'd simply imagined the incident as it was rather unlikely that a fox would do such a thing; he'd never heard of one doing so before at any rate.
A couple of hours later he was in the middle of a dream when he was once again woken up by what he thought was Pudsey jumping on his bed.
He decided to make sure it was Pudsey and switched the light on, only to find himself face to face with the fox again.
The fox gave him another glare which the ex took to mean 'Oi, I am trying to get some spleep here, will you stop switching the bloody light on!' before it lay down at the end of his bed.
He was about to tell it to sod off again when Pudsey came into the room and was incredibly annoyed to find a fox on her bed!
The following barking, howling and swearing woke me up and I dashed downstairs pausing only to pick up my old hockey stick in the doorway as I went.
I entered the room to find Pudsey chasing the fox which was bouncing off the walls and furniture as it tried to remember which way the door was. The ex was standing in the middle of the room wearing the same outfit he'd worn the day he came into the world and was also being bounced on by both Pudsey as she tried to get the fox, and the fox as it tried to get away from Pudsey. His lack of clothing meant that he didn't have much in the protection department which was a shame as both fox and dog had sharp teeth and claws.
I stared at the scene in astonishment, not knowing whether to shout, wade in to the melee, or simply laugh.
While I stood there gawping, the fox spotted me and finally figured out where the door was and next I knew it had bolted out the room nearly knocking me over as it went.
Pudsey hared off after it barking insults and threats as she went, before stopping in the kitchen to check that her biscuits hadn't been touched.
It took us a little while to settle our nerves after the escapade, and Pudsey was really angry that the epic had let the fox on her bed for a very long time after.
We went back to keeping the back door closed at night after that, and as Pudsey only ever barked at the epic when she wanted to go outside, I was fine with the arrangement.