Last night I watched an episode of Supernanny, mainly because there was fuc sod all else on and I couldn't be arsed to find a DVD.
I'd seen a couple of episodes before and as they were all of the same variety (small children playing up horribly and the parents letting them get away with murder then asking Supernanny to help) I began sorting out some photos on teh puter while I 'watched'.
But after a few minutes, I realized that this wasn't quite like the other programmes at all. Sure, it was the same set-up, but the children on it were honestly the worst behaved I have ever seen in my life!
All three were absolutely horrible but the eldest boy in particular made Damien from The Omen look like an angel!
He rarely spoke, instead he screamed, cried and howled if he didn't get his own way and even worse, he swore constantly at his parents calling them names such as 'Fuc&ing idiots' and 'ars*holes', particularly his dad for some reason.
He also thought nothing of hitting and kicking his parents and of course did none of the things they asked him to do.
The younger boy wasn't much better, but was at least smaller and therefore slightly easier to manage, but sharing a room with his brother caused more problems, especially at bedtime, which was farcical to say the least, with the boys refusing to go to bed point blank and screaming if they were told to do so.
The daughter was about four years old and still being breast fed. Nothing wrong with that you might think, but she was so in charge that if she didn't get her 'mimi' whenever she asked for it, all hell broke loose. The situation was so bad that the daughter slept in the main bedroom with the mother, while the dad slept on a makeshift bed in the boys room.
The parents hadn't slept together in the same bed, alone, for five years.
Enter Supernanny with her usual methods of getting the little shits ones to act like little darlings, such as naughty chairs, reward charts, and most importantly advice for the parents on how to cope without killing the little fuc%ers.
Supernanny watched a car trip with mum and the kids to see what went on. The eldest boy kept taking his seatbelt off and howling his swears, the daughter was screaming that she didn't want to be in her car seat, and of course the middle child just screamed along with them.
The situation was so bad that Supernanny made the mum stop the car until the children behaved.
Fair enough you might think, the cameras were on and they were breaking the law if they didn't keep strapped up, but did Supernanny have the nous to get mum to pull over to the kerb?
No, she didn't, and within seconds there was a lot of very annoyed drivers behind her, some of which I wouldn't have blamed if they'd screamed and shouted at her as well.
Just as an aside, my favourite part of the programme was when Supernanny smugly announced that she thought Frankenstein had already been created. That being the mark of a person who believes that the monster was called Frankenstein, and not the doctor who created it, and the mark ain't that high.
Anyway, there was more footage of the eldest son screaming and howling that he hated Supernanny and wished she was dead, and as you can imagine some really huge temper tantrums when the discipline started being handed out.
Throughout the chaos the parents were taught how to react calmly, patiently and repetitively until the brats understood that their bad behaviour would not be tolerated, and when they were good they got rewarded, but I kept wondering about one thing that was never brought up in conversation.
Where on earth had these young children learnt how to behave in such a way? From school perhaps? Or maybe CBeebies or the Telly Tubbies? It couldn't possibly have been from the parents, could it? No, of course not. It wasn't talked about in the programme so it couldn't have been.
Anyways, by the end of the hour long programme, they were all on their ways to being 'good parents' and 'well behaved, and well adjusted children', hurrah!
All well and good yes, but rather a long winded way of going about things.
Now, imagine if I was in charge of those children.
First of all, I would make a tape of the eldest boy's howling and screaming which seriously grated on the nerves, and then I would lock the boy in a nice soft room without other distractions and play the tape back to him for twenty minutes if he so much as raised his voice to me.
The same punishment would be meted out every time he swore, refused to do something when asked etc, etc.
As the younger boy had a problem with the older one keeping him awake and getting into the same bed as him, I would tell both brats that when the lights went off, the floor would be electrocuted which would burn the eldest if he went near the other bed, and also monsters were on duty in the hallway and would eat them if they left the room.
To deal with the daughter's breast food fixation, I would calmly explain that mummy was now taking a medicine because she (the girl) had behaved so horribly towards her mummy she had made her very ill, and if she drank mummy's milk it would poison her. Regarding the sleeping in her own bed in her own room, simple. Now that she was a big girl, (who had hurt her mummy by being so bad) she was not allowed in mummy and daddy's room after bedtime as mummy would be so upset she might get even more ill, and daddy would never talk to her again.
If that didn't work for any of the brats, chloroform would be administered.
In the car, another very simple solution. If they didn't keep the seat belts where they were supposed to be, then they would be held in place with a nail gun.
Meals not being eaten when asked? They'd get it again and again and again until it was gone.
Oh, and I would have a 'naughty chair'.
Just one with a difference being a very deep hole in the back garden, rather like* an oubliette.
I reckon I could get any children acting like perfect cherubim within a couple of hours, what do you reckon?
By the way, if you need a baby sitter just let me know, akay?

*Exactly like.