Thursday, March 27, 2008

Many moons ago, I asked for advice on the proper decorum required if one has to appear in court. I received many pointers on how to impress the judge and jury, and have decided that the precious knowledge should be blogged here for future reference.
So here it is*.

"The clerk of the court should always be addressed in Latin."
"You can always get a laugh by asking the Judge 'Is that your real hair?'"
"It is acceptable practice, when the opposition calls a witness, to remark 'I've got something to call him. He's a wanker.'"
"A Mexican Wave is always a good way to get the jury on your side."
Asking people to swear their oath on the Jedi Handbook is a good tactic.*
*for convincing people you are mad

Holding a Bill-Guisarme to the defendant's throat while asking him to swear on the blood of Odin is another way to impress the court.
A couple of chants of 'You're Shit! And you know you are!' whenever the opposing council stands up, will also aid your cause.
Find out which football team the judge supports and make sure you have a copy of their latest programme poking out from your stack of documents.
"The law allows a maximum of sixteen hired goons to accompany you to court at any one time."
"All written submissions to the court MUST contain the word 'fellatio'."
Wearing a very low cut top, push up bra, and flirting with the judge is always recommended.
As a fan of Boston Legal I've surmised that William Shatner is a boon to any defence team.
"The most effective way of obtaining free legal representation in London is to hang around the public toilets at the corner of Lincoln's Inn with a camera, and it is only a matter of time before you have all the barristers you need."
All High Court judges have now seen "My Cousin Vinny" as part of their basic training, and will automatically award the case to the brief that does the best Joe Pecsi impersonation.
Don't forget, as the Judge enters the room, if the clerk doesn't do it first, it is implicit on the plaintiff to stand on a chair, point at the judge and recite a round of "here come de judge, here come de judge, ev'body know dat he is da judge", you will score many brownie points and instantly earn his honourable judge's everlasting respect and friendship.
Also at random intervals while your opponent is presenting their case its always a good idea to spring to your feet, thrust both hands on your hips and proclaim in a loud voice, "oooooh you liar, you bloody liar, I never did, I was on holiday that day", replace the word holiday with some other random event each time you do it, their case against you will collapse, mark my words.
Don't forget the daily "Open Mike" round where you are entitled to belt out any karaoke classic.The winner gets the judge's spot prize - a night's free accommodation! "I Fought the Law" by The Clash is a firm favourite, air guitar picks up extra kudos. "Angels", however, has been deemed contempt of court.
"Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay...". Say that a lot. It will work*.
*Not well.
Take ice skates. Because you never know.
Consult frequently with a sombre coloured sock puppet, and address all objections to the gavel that should be referred to as "Sir Jimmy".
Spring up at random intervals and shout "I object!" Will be especially effective during your own testimony.
Telling the judge you're holding him/her in contempt of court is also an effective strategy*.
*For taking advantage of Her Majesty's fine accommodations.
Upon hearing the words;"The defence rests." The correct rejoinder is; "He isn't resting. He's stone cold dead!"
Tell the one about 10,000 barristers at the bottom of the sea. That'll go down a treat.
If William Shatner is a boon to any defence, then - you - could - always trythatstrangewayoftalking - that - he - always...............uses.
Failing that, get Spock to mind-meld with you.
Don't forget to play the "Wronged Woman" card*. Wear black, a veil, and burst into tears at critical points. Answer questions pointing out that you are a wronged woman :
QC : You are Milicent Carruthers of 'Dunberserkin', Throat Cuttings, W9?
You: Yes, and I am a Wronged Woman, I am! (bursts into tears)
*Available from any of Her Majesty's Stationery Offices, 3.99, with a nice picture of a woman wearing black and a veil and "Wronged Woman" in gold lettering, clearly readable from the Jury
Bake the judge some biscuits.
Call your dog as your key witness. Don't worry if they're scared to come to court - they'll set up a video link for this very purpose.
The first person to get a whoopee cushion on the judge's seat wins a Mini Metro!
Remember: every Friday is Royal Courts of Justice "Dressing Down" day. All court participants are encouraged to attend in fancy dress. Best costume wins a Mini Metro!
Stare pointedly at the court artist and say "You're drawing my tits, aren't you? Stop drawing my tits!" You'll score loads of extra points in the weekly Win A Mini Metro award.
And let us not forget the true story of a line of questioning by prosecution;
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

*The author takes no responsibility for anybody who is stupid enough to follow any of this 'advice' and tries any of it in court. You won't be able to prove anything if you do try to take them to court anyway, as they're not who they say they are, and they only exist as a figment of your deranged imagination. So if you do go to court and get banged up, it's nowt to do wiv me guv' and if you try to pin anything on me, you'll be sleeping with the fish, 'sans kneecaps', capishe? So shut it you slag, alright?