Last night I watched most of a programme called My Fake Baby. I'd read a bit about the fake babies in a comic a while back, but I was still unprepared for the show.
It was all about a woman who makes baby dolls, but not the sort of dolls that you'd normally get in a toy shop, oh no. These dolls are made to be as realistic as possible and are often bespoke to resemble a child either living or dead, even on occasion being made with the hair of the child, and for an extra fee you can get a 'breathing' model.
The woman who makes them started because after having three children of her own, was unable to have any more so she decided to make one so that she could have 'a newborn baby' around at all times, and would always be a 'new mummy'.
I thought that was a bit odd and each to their own, but there was more to come.
The woman's doll proved so popular she began making them for others, and was soon up and running with a business.
Calling it 'Re-Birthing' she makes dolls for women who can't have children of their own, or in some sad cases have lost a baby. One woman had a replica of her child who died at a very early age made, and kept the ashes of the baby inside the doll. Again, I can 'understand' that and the reasons why, but again, to me, it's rather on the macabre side.
Most of the women buying the dolls were doing so to pretend they had a real baby. They were getting everything they could for their baby doll, including child seats for the car, nappies, feeding bottles, prams, and anything else a real baby would need.
When they 'met' their dolls, they were welling up in tears and cooing and clucking over the tiny little hands and feet.
All I could think was 'It's a doll!' It's not real, it doesn't need a baby carrier, you can chuck it in a carrier bag and dump it in the boot of the car'.
But these women were besotted with the things, and I swear they believed them to be real babies. They were dressing them up in nappies and clothes, and pushing them about in prams, and treating them the same way I imagine one would treat a real baby.*
One woman made my blood pressure boil by putting a 'Baby on Board' sign in her car. Imagine if there was an accident and someone risked their life and possibly even lost it for the sake of a fu*king doll? There's having an imagination and being a sad-act and taking things to the extreme.
One woman took her doll back home and 'introduced' it to her husband.
"What do you think?" she asked of him, beaming from ear to ear and cuddling her dolly.
"I don't like it" he replied while staring at her as if she'd lost her marbles.
The woman's face sagged with disappointment, and she asked him why.
"Because it looks like something from a mortuary slab" he replied dourly before leaving the camera crew and the woman and if he had any sense, heading for the nearest pub.
I couldn't agree with him more on that.
According to the spiel, these dolls are all the fun of having a real baby, but without the fuss of feeding, changing, having to buy new clothes, and not having to worry about it crawling off and getting lost or broken.
So... what the f*ck is the point in getting one then? Other than decoration or a plaything for a child, why would anybody think they'd replace having a real ankle-biter?
Answers if any on a postcard please.

*I'm no expert. My parents bought me one of those dolls that cries until you feed and change it when I was little. I found the best way to stop it crying was to ignore it until it died.