Wotcha, my sweeties, and welcome to the weekend!

I hope you're all in the mood for something fun, because I've an exciting game for you and it's surpasses even Mornington Crescent!

Last night I ventured away from the 'puter for a while as a friend had taken refuge at mine for the night and I decided he needed to go to the pub.

Another friend of mine joined us for a chinwag, and after a couple of drinkettes, the most exciting game of Table Chess began.

Now I'm not talking about the version of chess with the little black and white pieces on a checkered board, oh no. This is Table Chess and follows it's own set of rules.

It is played thusly.

All that is needed , is a table in a restaurant, pub, dinner party, etc, that has something on it such as glasses, bottles, cutlery, food and so on.

The game can start at anytime and the first move is made after a player moves something (ie: a glass out of the way) and someone moves another item to put them into 'check'.

Any number of players can join the game at any time, but moves must be made in turn, and played widdershins.

There are many gambits that may be used, such as Murphy's Paw (to block a bottle with an ashtray) The Noilly Prat Technique (used to counter attack a play made with cutlery) and most importantly, Cheesing.

Cheesing is to render an item out of play, originally by placing a slice of cheese atop it, but now used with virtually anything, ie: a lighter, cigarette packet, crisps, toy mouse and so on. Cheese is still permissible to use, and any player using cheese will gain five extra points immediately.

(Picture shows Table Chess in play. Note the 'Cheesed' wine bottle, which was cunningly deployed by use of a pint glass)

Another rule, is that if a player is stumped for a move, they are allowed to use 'Trump Plays'. These involve the use of items such as bouncy balls, screwdrivers, and small rubber ducks, but they must be declared as Trump, and only played if Warburtons Yeti can be called into play.

Cheeseballing is another useful move, as this can decree that an item is out of play, and must leave the table after the next full moon, or round, depending on which comes first..

However, this move is not to be confused with Balling the King (see picture left) which automatically wins the game for the player who can pull it off.

A game of Table Chess can last between five minutes and five hours, although a few 'matches' played by serious competitors have been know to last five days.

So my darlings. Please to settle round the table, and get ready for the most exciting battle of wits to be played in my comments box.

The only things frowned upon, are hair pulling, name calling, shoving, running with scissors, and the use of wallabies. Other that that, anything goes.

I shall open the game using Frogmorton's Aubergine. See you there!

(Picture shows a Trump Duck in play)