Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Ten Things I'll Never Do

1. Go on a Club 18-30 Holiday.
Okay, so I'm over the upper age limit now, but even when I was 18, the idea of spending two weeks with a group of drunk, rowdy, shag-obsessed people whose idea of a 'good time' would be to spin around on a beach after a drinking competition, was my idea of all the levels of Hell.
I knew people who lived for their fortnight of drunken debauchery, and they delighted in showing me their photos of themselves lobster-red, wearing Union Flag shorts whilst semi-conscious in a bar, saying that I simply 'had to go and see how much fun it was for myself'. Telling them that I would rather spend a month in a holiday camp run by Pol Pot went right over their heads.

2. Give Birth.
Now physically impossible for me to do so, following various operations to get rid of endometriosis and adenomyosis, but something that was never on my agenda anyway.
I went through years of severe pain every month before getting diagnosed at the age of 28, and thought very carefully before deciding to go ahead and have a hysterectomy. I'd never felt that overwhelming urge to have a baby that many women have, and was warned by friends that when I got into my mid thirties, my body clock would start ticking relentlessly, and I'd be filled with regrets and dreams of nappies and booties.
They were wrong. If I had a body clock, it was not supplied with batteries.

3. Understand 'Religious Wars'.
I eschewed religions years ago, in that although I believe in Karma, Nature and 'some-sort-of-life/energy-force-whatever-it-might-be', Dogma and Doctrine are not for me whatsoever.
To follow a religion means to believe in a deity that is all encompassing, and supposedly teaches love and tolerance to the followers. To make a war over intolerance and hatred of fellow humans, makes a mockery of that. I think I'll stop on this one before I get too ranty.

4. Appear willingly on Big Brother.
I'm sure there are many folk who would give their right arm for a chance to be locked in a house with a group of ill-educated, self obsessed, bitchy, loud idiots vying to prove who can be the chaviest of the lot, whilst being watched 24/7 by the world, but even for the prize money I couldn't do it. Maybe with proviso that I could take an AK47 with me and make the decision of who gets to leave each week. Maybe. If not, I would be found pacing the floor and screaming at the camera to let me out before I start playing with the fruitknives in the night. If 18-30 holidays are all the levels of hell, then the Big Brother House would be Tartarus.

5. Say 'I Love You' and not mean it.
People who do so should be horse whipped IMHO. 'I Love You', is just about the most evocative and promising sentence that anybody could ever hope to hear, and to find out that it was said to you to either get you to do something, or as a flippant, throw-away comment can break a heart like a scimitar through butter. Forget campaigns to get people to believe that Speed Kills and so, adverts in 50 foot letters stating 'Careless Talk Kills Hope' and charges of damages to self-esteem to perpetrators should be introduced.

6. Wear designer labels to impress, or 'fit in'.
I've never been a fashion victim. I have never picked up a magazine and thought 'Ooh! Everybody's wearing that - I must run out and get one now or else people will think less of me for not being able to afford it, or that I have no taste or desire to blend in an follow the herd'. I reckon that 'designer stuff' can be as home wrecking as drugs sometimes. We've all heard about children being bullied for not wearing the correct trainers, and people being severely in debt 'cause of having to have the latest handbags, and I feel very sorry about this state of affairs. Sadly, many folk will never have the confidence to wear something just because they like it and they feel good in it, even though no-one else has the same or it came from a charity shop.
Maybe the first thing we should do, is kill all the 'designers', then next against the wall come the revolution, the advertizing companies. Oh yes. That should solve things.

7. Marry just for money.
Granted, I now have more chance of being hit by a meterorite than of getting up the aisle wearing a meringue at my time of life, but if I ever did get hitched I would have to seriously love that person. My family was torn apart by a gold digging slut, who made her living by charming men into supporting her and her spawn, but good luck to the women that only care about money and themselves. Never will they be lonely or poor, instead they will be fulfilled with the knowledge that they have a person at their beck and call that believes they are loved in return, even though their relationship is based on monetary gain only. Mind you, some men know that's the score, and would rather pay to keep a women with them for companionship. I think there's another word for that sort of arrangement, isn't there?
Anyway. It's not for me.

8. Get anything other than my ears pierced.
Although I have a tattoo and would love to get another, I cringe at the thought of needles going through my skin. I'm glad I had the nous the get my ears done when I was young and fearless stupid, as there's no way I could get them pierced now. I have no objection to anyone with piercings in strange places, but would certain persons I know, please note, I don't want to see them, thankyouverymuch. Even just seeing a photo of lumps of metal dangling through flesh is enough to make me shudder at the thought of it happening to me, and far, far worse is the idea of getting a ring pulled out from a place which is delicate and tender, and should only ever be treated nicely to my mind. You want to get stabbed? Fine. Just don't ever wave a needle near me, okay?

9. Tolerate Bullies.
I know nowadays it's considered PC to try and help and understand bullies, as they've all had a hard life and are in need of care and pity etc, yadayada, but the bottom line is that 99% of those who make others miserable by intimidation and pain is because they enjoy doing so. I was bullied at school for a while because I was 'different'. I spoke funny, looked funny, and simply didn't fit in, and so, the bullies decided I was an easy target. Did I cow down and let them walk over me? Like fu*k I did. I stood up to them, told them where to go, reported them to the teachers at every opportunity, and intervened when I saw them trying to pick on anyone else. They didn't need counseling, they just needed someone to stand up to them and say that their behaviour was shit unacceptable.

10. Coldplay.

So. That's my meme from being tagged by Alan done. I'm not into tagging others, so if you want to be tagged, consider yourself done so.
Except for Dawn that is. She's tagged, as she seemed upset about not being tagged by Alan.