Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Obscene Phonecalls

Over the years I have had some very strange encounters with phones. Well, more to do with the talking or listening to the people on the other end of the line than with the phones themselves really, but I'm sure you knew what I meant.

Anyway. I got my first obscene phonecall when I was just fourteen years old. I was upstairs watching a film with my mother when the phone rang, and being nearest I answered.
"Hello" said a strange voice, "would you like an obscene phonecall?"
"Ooh" I replied, "I've never had one of them before, and although it sounds jolly interesting I'm in the middle of watching a film right now, but thanks for the offer"
"Fair enough" came the reply, "Maybe some other time then. By-eee".
Alright, not very manky, but very polite and considerate. Well spoken too.*

I was supposed to be at the receiving end of a 'naughty' phonecall a few years later. I was seeing a nice chap who would call me and whisper 'not so sweet nothings' to me. All just flirty, but rather risqué none the less. The sad bit was, that my mother and I were frequently mistaken for each other on the phone as our voices were very similar. Result = my mother picked up the phone and listened to my boyfriend, explaining what he'd like to do to her as soon as he got her alone in rather graphic detail. My mother waited a while before saying "That sounds lovely, but I think my daughter might get upset". Things went downhill rapidly with me and him after that.

For a couple of weeks, I did get some real obscene calls. They started with just silence on the other end, save for what I could only think of as 'office noises' in the background, then after I'd ask who it was a couple of times, I was 'treated' to some vile language which was on the verge of extremely creepy. The fourth time it happened I simply said "Listen pal, you really aren't scaring me and you're wasting your time thinking you might be. My dad knows some of the top bods at Scotland Yard**, and if you call again you're going to get a nice little visit in the early hours, capishe?" Oddly enough, he never called again...

I had another spate of odd calls a while later, but this time I only got silence at the other end. After the second or third I got bored, told them it was their money they were wasting and left the phone off the hook until they sodded off. Simple, but effective.

I had a very surprising obscene phone call, when it was me that did the dialing. I was calling a friend who at the time lived with her parents. The phone had rung for some time, but just as I was about to hang up, I got an answer. The answer was along the lines of "Huuurfff, huuurfff, huuurfff, huurffff, pant, pant pant, huuurrruFFF"
'Different' I thought, 'normally these sort of calls are made the other way around' and quietly said "Hellooo?"
After a few more seconds of heavy breathing, my friend's father finally managed to tell me that he'd just run all the way from the far end of the garden to answer the phone. I laughed, and said if he decided to go for a different career, chatlines were not the way to go for him. My friend saw the funny side of it though. Eventually.

The funniest call I ever heard, was one that was not intended for anybody else's ears. I was at a party, and one bloke had gone to use the extension in the bedroom to call his girlfriend. Unknown to him, the host had picked up the phone to make a call, and we were all treated to ten minutes of the sort of talk that apparently costs up to £5 per minute or more and is advertized in certain magazines, for free, on the speakerfone. Even better, the host flicked on the answerfone and recorded it. 'M', I still have a copy, but it's safe with me darlin'. Honest!

But the strangest one I ever got, was a case of mistaken identity. I got a call from who I thought was a then boyfriend. We spoke for a while like old friends, asking each other about our days and comparing stuff, which all made sense, and then we started getting flirty for a while. Then we got very flirty for a longer while. Then we went back to everyday chat about miscellaneous stuff, and then he said "Don't forget we're off to Gemma's wedding on the 14th!"
"Errm... Who's Gemma?" I replied.
"My sister, of course. You alright?"
There then followed a few seconds of embarassed silence punctuated by nervous coughing before we hung up the phones at the same time.
I still have no idea who he was, but if he's reading, I really did need a cigarette after that.

Anyhoo, moving on, you ever had/made an obscene call, or inadvertantly stumbled on one?

*Never did call back. Typical, eh?
**True fact.