Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Body of Evidence

The following story is true. No person or place will be named though, to protect the not-so-innocent.

Once upon a time in a police station far, far away, a Chief Superintendent sat watching the clock in his office. He didn't normally do so, but that day was a Friday, and as soon as the clock hit 6 o'clock, he had to run away as fast as he could in order to catch a train. This was very important as the train was going to take him to an airport so that he could catch a plane so that he could get to a very special family wedding the next day. If he missed that train, his missus was going to make his life hell on earth for the rest of his days.
So from 5 o'clock, he did his best to tie up any loose ends from work he could find so that nothing could possibly keep him even a minute over his 'going home time'.
The police station was in a generally sleepy manor; a peaceful place set on the banks of a pretty river, where swans, ducks and water rats would frolic and scamper in the sunshine. As I said, it was generally peaceful.
However, that particular Friday, at about 17:50 hours, the Chief Superintendent got a call from one of his officers.
"'ere, chief, we've just found a body floating in the river!" said the officer. "What shall we do with it?"
"Oh, fu*k, no!" wailed the poor Chief Super. "Not now! Not today of all fu*king days! This means I won't be able to leave until all the fu*king paperwork's done! Bastard, fu*king inconsiderate cu*t getting killed on my patch, now, of all basta*d times!
"You don't sound happy boss" replied the officer, stating the bleeding obvious. "What do you want us to do then?"
"Tell you what" replied the Chief, "Just move it onto the next manor so that they can find it and deal with it. If I don't leave now, scrubbing my teeth via my ar*e will be one of the rather more pleasant things happening to me in the near future"
"I understand, boss" said the officer, who had met the Chief's missus a couple of times, and knew full well that he'd be in deep sh*t should his mentor miss the train.
"Don't worry, we'll deal with it. You go and catch your train, and try and have a good weekend, guv"
And so, with a minute to spare, the Chief Superintendent left the station, and set off to the railway station.
All was well in the peaceful, and generally quiet, manor set on the pretty riverbank, and the swans soon forgot about ever having seen a body floating by.

However, the police in the next manor along the river had a 'mare of a time trying to figure out exactly how the corpse of the poor bloke who'd been 'done in' outside a pub in the next manor along, had managed to swim two miles, upstream and against the tide, when all signs of life had been extinguished.
It remains a mystery to this day, but at least the Chief Superintendent got to the wedding and, to my knowledge, still has all his body parts intact.