Momentary lapses of insanity...

2011-08-09T03:30:00.004Z

Hello again...

Yes, I know I haven't posted in a serously long time, but I know that due to the riots taking place just up the road from me, some people are going to be worried, so I'm writing a quick post to say that yes, I'm fine*
But I can smell smoke on the wind, and can't spleep because of a) the noise of the sirens and helicopters and b) worrying about people I care about a lot that might be stuck in the troubles or had their businesses ruined by mindless f^£tards...

Please say a prayer for those folk who have had their livelihoods ruined by these braindead idiots and for the people who might be in even more serous trouble or pain!

*I'll explain why I've been unable to write for so long as soon as I can, I promose.

Hope all's well with you all,

Misty

2010-12-25T17:56:00.001Z

2010-08-11T12:31:00.002Z

I'm still alive, have been sticking my nose out from under the duvet occasionally, and am slowly getting back in touch with the 3D world again.

I'll write a bit more about what's been happening laters, but for now, as it's Double Entendre Day, here's a piccy for this week's Caption Competition, woohoo!

If anyone's reading this, get stuck in as there's a nice cuppa tea for every entry and a HobNob available should I get me a 69!*

And also while you're down there, how have you been?

*Yeah, right.

2010-07-14T00:39:00.004Z

Once again, I am so, so very sorry about lack of post yesterday, but honestly, Tuesdays have been seriously jinxed for me recently, and yesterday found me stuck on the M25 for hours which meant I missed another load of stuff I had to do!

GAH!

But next Tuesday I aint'ent going anywhere if I have any say in the matter, and I promise I will get round to posting whichever of the last Choose-O options has the most votes by then, akay?

But right now it's Wednesday; Double Entendre Day as it's known in this little corner of the Blogosphere, and to celebrate in the traditional manner I've once again trawled the depths of then intermanet and found you another spectacularly interesting photo to get your grey cells ticking over so that you can give my box another fabulous stuffing, being this -

There's a scampi fry going for every entry left and a tuna filled vol-au-vent available should I get me a much needed 69.

You know what to do, so get to it...

Please?

2010-07-12T11:59:00.003Z

Woohoo, it's Monday, and what a weekend I've had!

Saturday was the usual routine day and nothing incredibly exciting happening, but Sunday brought about the annual Garden Party for local residents in my area.
It was the normal show; Pimms on tap and and a delicious variety of nibbles to chomp whilst listening to the band or watching the 'children's' entertainer*, and also (and this was the best bit) a quiz on the topic of local history.
Here are a few of the questions** -

Q. Who was King of England (1189 - 1199) at the end of the 12th Century?
Q. The first man to carry an umbrella in London is buried in the crypt at St. Mary's Church, Hanwell. What was his name?
Q. Name the international recording star and dance band vocalist of the 1930s who is buried in a mass grave in Hanwell Cemetery with other victims of the WWII air raids on London?
Q. Which rare, protected bird, Larin name Alcedo atthis, can now be seen feeding and nesting along the banks of the River Brent in Hanwell?
Q. Who designed and engineered the Wharncliffe Viaduct (in Hanwell) in 1836 - 37?
Q. Which iconic landmark bridge did this same engineer design when he was only 24 years old?

Now remember, this quiz was entered by a load of people who have been taking part in Pub quizzes for years, and are also experts of topics such as history, both local and other, and trivia in general, and because the Ex-partner-in-crime helped set the quiz and therefore couldn't enter, I was in a team with only Fuzzy Duck to help me, and although he's great at finding worms and drinking cider, an historian he ain't. Also, I couldn't get to my 'puter to Google anything either.
Guess who won the quiz then?

Yep, yours truly, even though the Ex-partner-in-crime marked me down a point as he reckoned that one of my answers was George II, not III as I'd written.
As well as the kudos I got a bottle of champers, which was nice!

I think I ought to go to a pub quiz in the near future, especially if the questions are on local history and there's money to be won!

Anyhoo, enough about me, how are you and how was your weekend?

*Aimed at ankle-biters, but the grown-ups loved it as well!
** Without Googling, have a guess. I'll give you the answers later.

2010-07-09T15:28:00.003Z

F-f-f-friday! And it's too hot to think round here!

So I've decided that you lot can entertain me for a change by telling me your favourite jokes! Oh, and also, (as I haven't done it for a while) you can also ask me a question if you'd like to. Rules are same as last time; anything smutty will be ignored, but other than that, ask away!*

ttfn, have a fabulous weekend, and try doing anything I wouldn't if you dare...

*She types with a strange feeling of foreboding...

2010-07-08T14:02:00.003Z

Thursday, 8th July, 2010.
Approx, 13:00 hours.
After going to the local shops I chose to take the scenic route home. During my walk I found a rather nice and sturdy wooden branch about 5ft long, which with a bit of work can be made into a walking stick, so I decided to carry it home. I also found a discarded football which I reckoned a certain doggy friend of mine would love to play with, so I carried that home with me as well.

Approx, 13:15 hours.
Whilst walking through the park carrying my large branch, a ~~bluebottle~~ community police officer walks up to me and asked me what I was doing with the stick to which I replied 'I'm carrying it'.
"What do you mean by 'you're carrying it'? the CPO asked and so I replied that he'd asked what I was doing with the stick and I said I was carrying it.
"That's not what I meant" he carried on, "I want to know why you're carrying it!" to which I replied that getting it to fly like a broomstick was beyond my capabilities, so in order to get it back home I was carrying it.
For some reason he didn't like my rejoinder and rater brusquely asked me if I was trying to be funny to which I replied "No, it just comes naturally".
This caused the CPO to glare at me for a few seconds while he tried to think of what to say next. Eventually he asked me what I was intending to do with the stick once I got it back home, and so I informed him of my intentions of turning it into a walking stick.
Again he glared at me while muling over my reply and then asked me if I knew I could be prosecuted for carrying an offensive weapon, to which I said that as far as I knew, footballs were not generally used for such a purpose.
It was at that point I noticed a vein on the CPO's forehead begin the throb before he told me in no uncertain terms that he was talking about the branch and what was my problem?
Doing my best to look innocent and not burst out laughing, I told him that I did not have a problem with carrying a branch and a football through the park, but that possibly a few parts of our conversation had been rather misconstrued, and maybe he'd like to start again so we could straighten the situation out.
Again, he glowered at me while the vein on his forehead throbbed and a few beads of sweat gathered on his top lip.
After some consideration on his part, he gave me his very best glare before telling me to watch it in future, and be careful as to what I carried through public areas.
I think I'm going to keep an eye out for a branch long enough to make a spare spear out of tomorrow; that could be fun to explain!

2010-07-07T12:06:00.004Z

It's been another of those weeks so far, but I'm back home and online again, so hurrah!

Monday I couldn't get online for some bizzare reason, and yesterday I went out for what I thought was going to be a quick trip to the Angel, Islington as the Ex-partner-in-crime had to attend a court hearing to appeal a parking charge from Ealing council. That went well, but the state of the Underground meant that I didn't get back until nearly 9pm and promptly fell fast aspleep upon doing so.

But anyhoo, back I am, and as it's Double Entendre Day, howsabout another Caption Competition? I found today's piccy while sniffing through Flickr and it comes courtesy of David. C. Foster, and is this -

There's a monkey nut going for every entry and a banananana available should I get me a long awaited 69!

So as usual, Get Stuck In!

2010-07-02T14:24:00.002Z

Well, my 'new' puter is almost up and running the way I want it to, I've almost finished packing for another weekend aways fighting and pillaging, outside the sun is almost shining, it's lovely and warm, and I have the feeling that once again I've forgotten to do something important.

I've been so hectic the last week or so I've barely had time to scratch me bum.
I've had to see my solicitor (which is always stressful) had to call an ambulance for the Ex-partner-in-crime after he began to choke on a bit of steak, go with Ex-partner-in-crime to private hospital in Kent for some tests he needed, deal with the 'puter situation, get barred and reinstated from my local pub (It's a long story) take and sort photos to send to the local newspaper after an incident in Hanwell Broadway which they were going to use until a more 'exciting' story made the front page instead, and worry about a friend of mine who appears to have vanished off the face of the planet after sending me a text saying he'd caught the wrong bus and would be with me in about ten minutes last Tuesday!
I read a story a while ago about a man who sold his 'life' to the highest bidder. I'd offer to sell mine but I doubt there'd be any takers at the moment!

But afore I go, I've had another idea for a game to play, being -

"What's The Most Inappropriate Thing To Say During A Job Interview?'

For example:

So which one of you do I have to shag to get this job then?
I'll need every Monday morning off to get to my rehab group else I lose my place on the programme.
Is that your wife in this photo or a drag queen?
When I said I'd had experience, I didn't say I'd any experience relevant to this job.
I can't work after 6pm or at weekends because of the tag on my leg, is that a problem?
Sorry about the smell, I couldn't find the toilet in time earlier.
I'll have to bring my pit-bull terrier into work with me because I can't leave him at home alone since he escaped and ate next-door's cat.
So what's the company policy on 'recreational' drugs then?
I know wearing a push-up bra, high-heels and a mini-skirt to an interview might seem a bit slutty, but the wife won't know I've borrowed hers again so no problem.
Do you press charges?

Etc, so on and so forth. And I know you lot can do far better, so have at it, have a fabulous weekend, and hopefully I'll be back online again soon!

ttfn,

2010-06-30T17:36:00.003Z

SNAFU

If there's anyone still out there, I'm still alive but my faithful, ancient 'puter had a major hissy fit last Thursday and I haven't been able to get much sense out of it since then.
But now, I have a new* laptop and after painstakingly transfering loads of files from one to the other, I'm back in business again, hurrah!

And not being one to break tradition, I have once again trawled the depths of the intermanet to bring you the following photo for today's Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition -

There's a travel sweetie going for every entry and a packet of chewing gum available should I getting a very long forgotten 69.

And btw, I am so very, very happy to be back again, I missed you lot loads!
Did anyone miss me...?

* Well, new to me but still second hand.

2010-06-23T13:53:00.003Z

Hurrah, hooray, it's Double Entendre Day!

And as regular readers here will know, that means it's time for yet another Caption Competition, huzzah!
This week, it has come to my attention that there is some sort of sports competition going on so I have yet again trawled teh intermanet to find you something interesting, and also topical for your delectation and delight.
A quick search of the words 'Football' and 'England' later I found this -

Your reward for posting lots of witty and erudite comments? A half an orange for every comment left and there's a mug of Bovril available should I get me a very long awaited 69!

So, as per usual, without further preamble,

Get,

Stuck,

In there!

PS. If you haven't already voted for this week's Choose-O option, please scroll down to yesterday's post and do so, akay?

2010-06-22T15:12:00.004Z

'ello again my cherubs! And I hope today finds you all bright of eye and bushy of tail and ready for yet another Choose-O!
It's seems to be getting more often than not that the Monday Choose-O happens on a Tuesday, what with me either being away/unable to get on the intermanet/wishing you all a happy solstice, but as long as no-one gets confused and thinks they've missed a day I can't see it causing a problem.
Anyhoo, this week I have a couple of fabulous choices for you which are -

Speech
Bored

Do remember that the title may or may not be entirely related to the tale itself and that contents may settle during transit, but as usual, please choose wisely and don't forget to tell me all about what you've been up to over the previous weekend, akay?

Oh, and I also have a question for you to get you thinking, being,
"What is the Fabric of Time made of?"
Answers via the comments box/on a a postcard/via carrier pigeon.

ttfn!

2010-06-17T18:29:00.002Z

Eggs

Some years ago in the rather distant past, some friends of mine and I decided to go for a drive to Isleworth to visit the London Apprentice.
It was a glorious hot summer's say and we were looking forward to lunch and a cool drink, and the only downside was that it appeared everyone else in London had had the same idea about heading to Isleworth as the traffic on the A4 was pretty heavy for mid-week, but we didn't let that get us down and we played I-Spy while we waited for the traffic to move.
Eventually it did and we turned off the main road, Isleworth bound and even more thirsty.
The road was clear with no traffic signals or pedestrian crossings ahead of me, but I still kept an close eye on the road and stuck to the speed limit, in case anything felt the urge to run out in front of me.
I sometimes get a feeling like some one's warning me to be extra careful for some reason, and this happened to me right then, and a good thing it was too as next I knew, this old man aged about 90 stepped right out in front of my car.
I managed to brake in time and drew to a halt about a foot or so away from him, and to my amazement, he turned to me a began to swear loudly.
I in turn asked him what the f*&£ he thought he was doing stepping out in front of my car instead of walking further along the road to where there was a crossing, and his rejoinder was to point at the box he was carrying and shout that 'Couldn't I see he was carrying eggs?!'
Still ranting he slowly walked away and I carried on driving.
As I did, we all began to talk about what had just happened and whether or not there was some strange law in Isleworth that exempted people carrying eggs from jay-walking, but then I looked up and saw a sign above where he was heading towards.
In big, bold letters it read, 'Psychiatric Unit'.
The incident became rather clearer after that, but I still take extra special care while driving that route even now.

2010-06-16T12:37:00.002Z

And once again 'tis Hump day, hurrah!

And of course, for your delectation and delight I have once again trawled teh intermanet to find you a photo worthy of many, witty and erudite comments for this Double Entendre Day's Caption Competition. It is this -

There's a couple of potato dumplings going for every entry and a hot dog's available for the person who gets me a seriously long awaited 69!

So without further preamble, Get In There!

2010-06-15T15:18:00.002Z

I did mean to post yesterday, honest! But I ended up going to Kent instead and got back rather later than planned, but I had a lovely time and so did Fuzzy as you can tell by clicking here and seeing the photos!
Anyhoo, I also nearly didn't get to blog today as when I went out to take some more clickage earlier, I got hit on the head by a squirrel.
What happened was that I was trying to get as close as possible to a robin that was busy doing something under a tree, and next I knew I heard a scrabbly noise in the tree above me so I stood up and turned to look at where the noise was coming from, and that's when I saw the squirrel and it saw me.
I saw me while it was in mid-leap and being startled it missed the branch it was aiming for and headed right towards me! Luckily I ducked just before it landed and in got me on the back of the head rather than right in my face, but it was still rather a nasty shock.
Mind you, seeing as that's the third time I've had a squirrel land on me I should be getting used to it by now.
Anyways, as it's not Monday, I'll give you this week's Choose-O choices today and I'll type up the top choice on Thursday; your options are -

Speech
Eggs

As usual, don't forget to tell me all about your adventures while you're down in my comments box, especially if they involved errant wildlife, akay?

tootle-pipski!

2010-06-10T15:10:00.002Z

Hello Kitty

Many moons ago I had three wonderful dogs, named Candy, Shebie and Pudsey.
Candy was more my dad's dog, but Shebie and I had grown up together and Pudsey had been with us for about two years after her previous humans didn't want her as she wasn't a full pedigree miniature Yorkshire Terrier as it had stated on the tin*.
Apart from the occasional squabble, all three dogs got along fine with me as the Alpha female making sure there were no rebellions over who got the last piece of sausage etc.
Most days had a routine to them; the dogs would wake someone up to take them to the park and give them breakfast, then they would spend the day doing their usual doggy things such as checking the garden for squirrels and dragons, and making sure that they were first to get the comfy spot in the sunshine at nap-time.
Another regular occurrence happened at around 6pm, when a local cat would try its best to wind the dogs up. It did so by jumping up onto the fence that divided the house next door to us and was visible from the front room in my house. The cat would take its time ensuring that the dogs would notice it, then it would strut slowly along the fence to where the dogs could see it from the dining room, before jumping down off it and ambling across the lawn to where it could once again climb a fence and disappear into another neighbour's garden.
The barking of the hounds heralded the cat's arrival and would last for around five minutes as kitty strutted his stuff and wound the pack up into a frenzy.
But one day, kitty wasn't quite so lucky.
As usual at about 6pm, kitty began to saunter along the fence and as usual was espied my my dogs who as normal began to howl and bark their insults at the cat.
Again as usual, the cat walked along the fence until it got to the spot where it could be seen from the dining room and jumped onto the lawn and began to slowly walk away waving his tail in the air as if to say 'Up yours, stoopid dogs!'.
But, kitty didn't know that the back door had been left open.
The dogs knew that the back door was open, and led by Shebie they hurtled out en masses and barking and baying all manner of insults at the cat.
Now I knew that my dogs wouldn't hurt the kitty, but the kitty didn't know that, and for a second a look of shear panic crossed its face before it literally crapped and pee'd itself.
The dogs took a sniff and scrambled to a halt right in front of the cringing cat, who hadn't even had a chance to make itself look big, and then the dogs stared at the stinky, cowardly custard of a cat before walking away with their noses held high in disgust.
Funnily enough, we never saw kitty again after that...

*Her daddy was the German Shepherd that was on duty at the kennels and paid her mummy a visit the night before she went to be 'bred'.

2010-06-09T00:14:00.003Z

And so, once again tis Wodenstag, which means it's time for yet another fabulously scintillating, Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, woohooooo!

For those of you who don't know how to join in, what happens is that I post a photo below, and you have to come up with as many witty and erudite captions as you possibly can. With me so far?

Excellent, and in that case your photo for this week's Comp is -

Your reward for stuffing my box with as much as you can this week, is a multivitamin for every entry and there's a co-codamol available should I be so lucky as to get me another long-awaited and much missed, 69.

So, stop sitting there and get stuck in.

NOW!*

*Please.

PS. If you haven't already done so, please scroll down to yesterday's post and cast your votes for this week's Choose-O, akay?

2010-06-08T15:18:00.002Z

Hello again my cherubs! I hope you've all recovered from the party and had a lovely weekend too!

I had a fun time away in Cadbury; once myself and the rest of us managed to get our respective breaths back from climbing the hill fort, we got into our packs, learnt what the 'plot' was for the day, and off we went a-skirmishing.
By the way, if any of you don't know about Cadbury hill fort, it's in Somerset, has nothing to do with chocolate, is incredibly steep and covered in cow pats and patches of thistles.
So, for the first fight, one of us had an idea to launch an ambush on one of the Saxon packs, and so as the rest of my lot went and hid in a hollow made by an old rampart, I toddled up to the top of another rampart where I could see what the Saxons were doing and could give my lot a yell when the time came to attack.
Alas, this didn't happen as planned as the Saxon lot saw me and came up to find out what I was doing sitting alone on a rampart. I did my best to look innocent and not give the game away, but then another lot of Saxons came strolling along towards where the Vikings were hiding.
I couldn't shout out to warn my lot what was happening but I did my best to wander off un-noticed until I was in a position to wave frantically at the Vikings without the Saxons seeing what I was up to.
Luckily my lot heard the approach of the second lot of Saxons and when they got close enough the ran screaming towards them and killed them all.
Which was nice.
When everyone came back to life again, we once more trundled off in different directions around the top of the hill fort until our paths crossed once again and we'd have another mighty battle.
Now the plot for the day was to capture a 'King' and hold him for as long as possible; the objective being that whoever had the king when the fighting was over were the winners.
We captured the king on our third battle, and had him with us right up until the last fight was called.
We went into battle with a flurry of spears and swords and once again the hill fort rang with the sound of spear on shield as we fought til the death.
Then suddenly I realized that everyone else in my pack was dead, and only one of the enemy was left alive. This one enemy was a most ferocious warrior armed with spear, shield and sword and clad in fine leather armour to help deflect blades.
For a second I thought something along the lines of 'Uh-oh' and wondered if running away would be a good idea, but then I remembered that keeping the king was now up to me and so I turned to fight him.
It was over all too soon. I only had my spear to fight with, and no armour- just the dress I was wearing, and a fruit knife held on my belt.
I reckoned I'd be killed rather quickly and as I said, the battle only lasted a minute or so before I saw a chance to catch his spear with mine when his shield was just far enough away and I pushed his spear out, thrust mine in and stabbed him right through the heart!
To say I was rather pleased with myself was an understatement!
But anyhoo, all good things have to come to an end eventually, and we wandered once more down the hill fort and rested a while before we tucked into a most delicious banquet washed down with plenty of ale and mead.
I had a brilliant time and have the bruises to prove it.

So back to regular life again, and as I couldn't get onto Blogger yesterday for some strange reason, I'm giving you your Choose-O choices now for Thursday and they are -

Speech
Hello Kitty

Choose wisely, and don't forget to tell me all about your weekends while you're down there, akay?

ttfn,

2010-06-04T12:09:00.002Z

Oh, my lovelies! I hope there are still some of you still coming back and reading my little blog, as I feel awful for not being online as much as I've wanted!
After I posted last Wednesday, my intermanet connection went down yet again! and I had to call out BT a second time to come and sort it out!
So this morning I was woken up by a BT engineer who pointed some sort of beepy contraption at the external phone line and made tutting noises as he shook his head. I feared the worst, but now, happily, I'm back on again, hurrah!
I've had a text from BT assuring me that they've now fixed the problem, but that's what they assured my on Wednesday. I can only pray that this time it's going to stay fixed for more than six hours!

Anyway, all that kerfuffle means that I haven't had much time to sort out the 6th Years Blogiversary Party that I had planned for today, let alone give you plenty of advance notice, but I've got a few balloons up and am wearing my best Pirate costume to get into the partay mood!
For refreshments, you will find some cake and party nibbles over on the sideboard, and on the table in the far corner you can all help yourselves to drinkies. Oh, and do try the punch! It might look a bit of an odd colour, but it tastes fab, I promise! *hic*

As to party games, as well as the usual Twister, Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, Hide and Seek and so, I've left Team Misty out so that anyone who fancies trying a spot of Duck Balancing can do so! Just don't get any of the ducks in the puchbowl, akay?
Ooh, and also, to get your grey matters working, I've decided on another game of Mornington Crescent, but this time it is to be played in the style of Pirates! I'll go first, then you can carry on in the comments box.

But as you're all having fun, sadly I won't be around to play for long as once again I'm off to hit people with Mr Pointy in the wilds of Somerset, but please, please do help yourselves to anything food and drink-wise, and generally make yourselves at home.
Also, don't forget to let me know what your costumes are, and if you've brought anything edible or drinkable, tell everyone what you're sharing.

Have a fabulous time everyone, and see you on Sunday!

ttfn,

2010-06-02T11:24:00.002Z

Hooray! I'm finally back online again!

I wanted to post last Friday to let you all know that I was going to be away over the Bonk holiday weekend and back yesterday, but thanks to BT my intermanet connection was down and I couldn't. But anyway, I was away visiting the Isle of Wight (which was excellent!) and I'm back again now, just in time for the Double Entendre Day Caption Competition, rah!

Your photo this week is this -

There's a peanut available for every entry and a bun going free if I get another 69. What more incentive do you need to give my box a good stuffing, eh?

Oh, and before you get stuck in, you might be interested to know that today is my 6th Blogiversary! Yep, I've been busy waffling away about all sorts of weird and wonderful things that pop into my brain here for six whole years! Woo, and indeed Hoo!
I'll be holding a party on Friday as I couldn't give you any advance warning for today, so start planning your costumes now, akay?

So Get Stuck In! And tell me all about what you've been up to since we last spoke while you're down there! It was great to go to the Isle of Wight, but it's also great to be back home and online!

2010-05-26T15:29:00.003Z

It's that time of the week again!

Yes siree, tis time to get'cha yayas out and start giving my box a damn good stuffing! Once again I have trawled the intermanet to find you the finest and funniest photo possible in order to stimulate you enough to whip you up in a frenzy of intellectual outpourings, and I finally came up with this -

There's a chipolata going for every entry, and a hotdog with extra mustard available should I get me an ever elusive 69.

So without any further preamble,

Get Stuck In!

2010-05-25T16:34:00.004Z

Duck

One fine summer's day some moons ago, a group of friends and I went for a picnic in Kew Gardens.

After walking around the grounds and investigating the hot house, we strolled down to the pond and found a spot on the grass which was just perfect for our picnic.

We laid down the blanket, opened the hamper and cool bags, and pretty soon we were scoffing down plenty of tasty pic-niccy treats and washing them down with some first class vino and Pimms.

All was good, all was peaceful and happy; My friends and I took our shoes and sandals off and paddled our toes in the pond while the sun continued to shine and a gentle summer's breeze kept us cool as we chillaxed.

Until the nearby ducks on the pond noticed that we had food.

It started with a quack.

One little mallard came waddling up to us and gave us a look as if to say 'What you eating, and can I have some please?', and he was rapidly followed by four of his chums who stared at us with the same quizzical expression.

It was then that one of my friends made the mistake of throwing them one of the crusts off his sandwich; his action started a major squabble between the five ducks, all of whom wanted first and last dibs on the leftover egg ' n' cress sarnie.

Once they finished their altercation, they came a couple of feet closer to us and resumed their attempts at staring us into submitting them our food.

Now, there were five of us and five of them, which would have made for an equal fight, but alas, their previous loud quacking over the crust had caught the attention of another gang of assorted breeds of ducks which also decided to come over to us to see what we might have to offer them food-wise.

What had started out as a peaceful picnic on a lazy afternoon suddenly turned into a rather surreal re-make of The Birds as slowly we became surrounded by a rabble of assorted Anatidae, all of whom were staring at us in a rather menacing fashion.

My friends and I whispered to each other as we discussed our best options, and we quickly decided that getting the remainder of the food back into the containers and hamper and move somewhere away from the pond would be our best bet, and so as quietly as possible and without making any sudden movements, we began to pack away our food.

We'd nearly finished putting the stuf away when suddenly one of my friends slipped on a patch of wet grass and gave a loud yelp as she hit the ground, which caused the ducks to start quacking and flapping their wings.

And then suddenly one of the ducks advanced.

With a loud, menacing 'QUACK', it waddled onto the picnic blanket and tried to grab one of the sausage rolls with its beak, but another of my friends was faster than the theiving bird, and shoo'ed it away with an M&S carrier bag.

That did the trick of making the duck run away for a second or so, but then as quickly as it had first advanced, it was back, this time with another accomplice.

But this time, they managed to get something.

That something was one of my sandals which as I previously mentioned, I'd taken off while I cooled my paws.

Now, one duck doing that might be strange, but then another couple of mallards moved in and grabbed some of my friends also unattended footwear before waddling away as fast as their webbies could carry them. The next few minutes were like a scene from a very bizarre Benny Hill episode as my friends and I either gave chase on the ducks escaping with our shoes, or began waging battle with the rest of the ducks that were still trying to steal what yet hadn't been packed away of the food.

The little bastards were quick and fairly soon I was running out of puff as I ran after the sodding bird that was still carrying one of my favourite sandals in its beak.
My friends weren't faring any better, and one poor chap gave a sad gasp as he fell to the ground as he gave up the chase.

But then I had an idea.

I gave up chasing my sandal and ran back to the picnic blanket and grabbed one of the sandwiches that were still out and being guarded by my friends.

I then ran back to the duck with my sandal and waved one of M&S's finest at the bloody bird.

The sandwich got the demented thing's attention and the duck stared me down for a few seconds, still holding my sandal in its beak until I waved the sandwich once again before throwing it a couple of feet to the duck's left.

My plan worked! As soon as I threw the sandwich down the duck relinquished it's hold on my sandal and as quicky as I could I swooped down and grabbed it.

One of my friends had noticed what I'd done and he also grabbed a sarnie and did the same.

It took another few minutes before we managed to get all our footwear back and escape with what was left of out picnic, and then we ran as fast and as far as possible away from the feathery, thieving sods.

I've been back to Kew Gardens since being mugged by a gang of Anatidae, but I've always kept my shoes firmly on my feet and eaten any food well away from the pond.

And I advize any one else planning on a picnic there to do the same!

2010-05-24T15:07:00.002Z

And so another week begins, and this one's begun with a heatwave!

As is the norm around W7 when the temperature climbs over the 20c mark, denizens of the area take off rather more clothing than they should leading to horrific sights such as a size 24 women squeezed into a size 14 micro-mini dresses, and men wearing nothing but shorts, parading their sunburns to all and sundry.
It ain't pretty, believe me. Now would be a good time to start selling mind-bleach.

Anyhoo, before I go back to flopping in the coolest part of the house, I will leave you with this week's Choose-O choices, your options for which are -

Speech
Duck

And once you're done casting your votes, you can scroll down to last Friday's post and come up with some more TV diseases, as I'm sure you can think up plenty more, akay?

Over to you then.

2010-05-21T15:54:00.003Z

And so, another week draws to an end and thus makes way for The Weekend, hurrah!

And for something to keep you off the streets and out of trouble*, I've thought up a game for all to play, being 'How Many Television Programmes Can You Think Of That Sound Like Diseases?'
For example:

Hong Kong Fluey
Quinsey M.E.
Black Death Books
Two and a Half Meningitis
I Love Loasis
What's My Lyme Disease?
The Typhus Zone
Married... With Chickepox
Family Goitre
Buffy the Varicella Slayer
Mary, Mungo and Mumps
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, SARS

And so on and so forth.

As usual, I'm sure you can do far better than me, so have at it!

Have a fab weekend,
ttfn,

*If you want to stay in that is. I'm planning on being out and about as much as possible while we have gorgeous sunshine and mid-20c temperatures, woohoo!
*goes to find suntan oil, flip-flops and bikini*

2010-05-19T15:46:00.004Z

Ye Gods, Wednesday yet again, which of course means it;s time for yet another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, woohoo!

Once again I have trawled the intermanet to find you a photo that will get your respective brains simply bursting with fabulous, witty and erudite comments, so without further preamble, here it is -

There's a finger sandwich going for every entry and a chocolate finger biscuit available should I get an ever-elusive 69.

So, get stuck in!

2010-05-18T01:57:00.002Z

One thing I love about where I live, is that if you walk away from my house for about twenty minutes in the right directions, you'd think you were in the middle of the countryside, not eight miles from the centre of London.
One thing I don't like about where I live, is sometimes bumping into escaped fruitloops from the local Centre for the Emotionally Interesting.
I have plenty of other likes and dislikes, many of the latter are far worse than the occasional 'disturbed' person wandering around my garden trying to find a chemist, but sometimes the escapees can be rather entertaining; like the one I saw yesterday for example.

I was on my way back home from the shop and was merrily walking along pulling my little shopping trolley behind me, and had just got to the top of my road when I spotted what I thought at first sight to be a load of bags dumped on the other side of the road.
Being curious about such things, I crossed over to check the stuff out and it was only then I realized that they belonged to a chap who was washing his car by the kerb. I'd seen him in passing many times and so I said 'Hello' and was about to cross back over when another bloke walking towards us caught my attention.
Now, normally I wouldn't think twice about seeing a fairly mundane looking bloke wearing a tracksuit walking along the road, but the fact that he'd dropped his tracksuit bottoms to his ankles to reveal his genitalia and had begun to shout out "I's waving my penis at traffic"" rather loudly made me stop walking and stare at him while my brain froze and my jaw hit the ground.
It was the sound of some nearby children screaming as they ran away to the sanctuary of the nearby flats that brought me back from my stunned stupor, and I turned to the man washing his car in astonishment.
The man washing his car looked at me before we both turned to look at the half-naked man again. For a few seconds we both didn't know what to think or do, and there was no-one else around to help us make up our minds, so again we continued to watch in disbelief as the man carried on waving his penis at traffic, even though the only traffic nearby was parked and had no persons in any of the vehicles.
It was a very surreal moment and it was only when the car-wash man asked me if I thought calling the police would be a good idea did I mentally wake up.
I relied that yes, calling the Old Bill would be a most sensible idea and so he did.
The police must have been told that one of the inmates had broken out, as it only took about three minutes for them to turn up and I spent that time making sure none of the children from the flats came out in case they saw Mr Penis, and the car-wash man kept an eye on the semi-clad loony in case he ran away, or did something even weirder.
But run away he did not, and while we waited the nutter carried on standing at the side of the road, still with his kecks around his ankles and shouting "I's waving my penis at traffic!" all the time.
When the rozzers arrived, they walked up to him and as soon as he saw them he gave a couple of very eerie screams that sounded like a horror film SFX of an old woman howling before very peacefully being led away to the car, still with his tracky-bottoms round his ankles, and getting in.
As they went, the cops gave us both a 'thank you' and we stood there, still rather stunned as the car drove off onto the sunset.
We then said goodbye to each other, and I carried on my journey dragging my little trolley behind me as the man began to rinse the soap off his car.
The dictionary definition of where I live, is 'Lunatic Asylum'.
It doesn't surprize me in the least.

2010-05-15T15:18:00.003Z

I've just got back home after a walk in my local park with friend of mine, and I'm almost spitting feathers with annoyance and seriously despairing at the stupidity of some humans.

Being a lovely, sunny, spring Saturday, the park was full of people enjoying the weather and dogs and children were running around all over the place.
My friend and I were nearly at the park exit when I spotted a little girl aged about five or six standing alone and talking into a walkie-talkie thingy.
As I got closer I heard her saying 'Come back and get me, this is serious!' which if it hadn't been worrying, would have made me giggle to hear such adult words coming out of such a tiny person.
My friend and I looked around to see if we could see anyone else with a walkie-talkie, but there was no-one like that to be seen, and so I asked the little girl if she was alright.
She must have been told to never talk to strangers as she just stared at me without so much as a shake or nod of her head.
My friend then called out to a nearby woman with a pram and a toddler by her side to ask if the girl was hers, but she replied that no, she wasn't', and she'd thought the little'un was with us as she'd been walking in front of us.
My friend then asked the girl if she could see her mummy anywhere, but again we were met with just a silent stare.
We called out to a few more people to try and find who was supposed to be with her, but then suddenly the little girl ran away from us, out into the exit, round a corner and onto the nearby road.
I scampered after her and was just in time to see her run into the front garden of one of the houses there, and when my friend caught up with me we followed her to see if she was alright.
We found her standing on the path leading to the house, still clutching her walkie-talkie and looking very miserable indeed.
Again, I tried asking her if she was alright and did she live in the house, but yet again, no answer.
I looked at one of the windows as realized that there was someone in there, so I walked up to it and rapped on the window to get their attention.
Three men looked up at me with surprized expressions and I asked if they had a little girl. One of the chaps nodded, and came round to answer the door, and as soon as he did so the little girl ran up to him and hugged him as if she'd never let go again.
I asked who she was supposed to be with and they replied that her grandad had taken her out, and they presumed that because they both had walkie-talkies they'd be fine.
As the old saying goes, to assume makes an ass out of you and me, and I reckon grandad was in for a right bollocking when he got back.
Anyhoo, I'm just relieved that the little girl was alright, and although kudos must be given for not talking to strangers, I wish she hadn't been so scared, as most of the time people only want to help.
It makes me furious and also sad knowing that times have changed so much that everyone seems dangerous to such a young child.

2010-05-13T23:30:00.006Z

I wanted to get to my 'puter earlier to tell you this tale, but things happened and I reckon 'better late than forgetting later' so here you go now.

I've had a very 'doggy' day, as in I've met loads of my furry, four-legged canine friends in the locale, and after a conversation earlier with one of their humans, I remembered an incident that involved my long-departed, but 'ever-in-my-heart', doggy friend, Sheba.

When I was very nearly a teenager, Supermarkets were still a bit of a rarity and the majority of the family shopping was made on the local high street.
The high street at the time offered just about anything and everything you could possibly need as the variety of shops could have given a modern Tesco a run for their money between them, and all within the space of your average small village high street.
As every shop was within walking distance and frequented by every other neighbour in the immediate locale, every shopper knew every customer, down to what was on their shopping list from one week to the next.
The only shop that didn't have such regular clientele, was the hardware and gardening store that was between the post office and a newsagents.
This shop was a regular cornucopia of delights if you liked to do DIY and gardening, and to entice customers into the shop to make purchases, the boss would put on a display of the many small pot-plants he had to sell outside the shop on the pavement.
Now, not only did I go shopping with my dad, but the dogs we had then (Sheba and Chips) would come along with us, and they were so well behaved that they were let into the shops while my dad got whatever we needed on the list that week.
One fine summer's day however, we'd gone into the DIY/gardening store as my dad wanted some stuff for the garden.
I followed my dad into the shop after Chips, and it took me a little while to notice that Sheba was not with us, and so I went to find out where she'd got to.
Now, remember I told you that the owner of the shop put out a display of the pot-plants he had for sale outside on the pavement? Well. One of the plants he had in that week were some very pretty long-stemmed flowers, with a cluster of tiny little pink blossoms right on top of the stems. They were rather like a miniature version of onion flowers, and I thought them very lovely indeed.
Sheba however, did not share my admiration of the flowers, and was intent on showing her displeasure of them by very daintily going up to each bloom in turn, and taking the flower head into her mouth before sharply nipping it off and then disdainfully spitting the flowers into the gutter.
By the time I realized what she was up to, she'd managed to wreak nearly £10 worth of damage to the flowers, which back then was a helluva lot of money, and all I could think of to do was to grab her and run back home as quickly as we could before we got caught.
A short while later my dad came back in a very angry mood and demanded an explanation as to why I'd run off leaving him to do the shopping without telling him what was going on, but after I'd explained about the errant hound's act of vandalism towards nature, he saw the funny side of the situation and let me and Sheba off with a warning not do do that sort of thing ever again.
To this day I don't' know why Sheba took such a dislike to those particular blooms, but if I ever saw her near them I'd grab her and run away before she could repeat the crime.

2010-05-12T14:02:00.003Z

Okay Groovers, are ya'll ready for another Double Entendre Day Caption Competition?

Good, 'cause I've got a photo ready for you, being this -

There's a saucer of milk going for every entry and a Kitkat available should I get an ever elusive 69!

You should know what to do by now, so I'll let you get to it.

With gusto, preferably.

2010-05-11T16:38:00.002Z

Snap!

Please note that names have been changed to protect the innocent (and not-so-innocent) in this tale of utter woe.

Many moons ago I was going out with a chap, and one evening we decided to play cards; a game of Rummy to be precise.
Rummy had (and still is) been one of my favourite games for many years and I consider myself an pretty adept player. The then boyfriend on the other hand had only played a couple of times before and I often had to explain the rules while we were playing.
Despite his inexperience he still somehow managed to beat me about five hands to two, and it was then that he decided to taunt me about being a 'rubbish player' and how he was so brilliant despite not knowing how to play properly.
Now, I'm not a sore loser; I'll happily admit that on occasions I will not win, but being teased and taunted about the matter, especially by a green, whippersnapper of a player was too much me at the time and I decided to teach him a lesson by throwing him on his back before pinning him down by putting my knees on his shoulders and tickling him until he took back his comments regarding my lack of luck.
Being extremely ticklish, he wriggled and writhed trying to get away but then suddenly he gave a large 'Aargh!' before going limp.
I was shocked and leapt off him asking what had happened and was he alright!
To my chagrin, he laughed at me and said 'Haha! Fooled you!', and so I once more wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down there with my knees on his shoulders.
Again he wriggled and writhed as I mercilessly tickled him for playing a joke on me and he was laughing a lot.
He kept on laughing a lot, right up until we both heard a sudden, and very loud
'SNAP'.
I immediately got off him and looking at his face which had gone very pale realized without asking that something was definitely amiss.
Remembering my first aid training I kept him still while checking he could breathe alright and where the pain(s) were, and very luckily his breathing was fine although he was in a lot of pain around his lower rib area.
Being late on a Saturday night he decided he would rather stay lying down where he was until the next day, but agreed that if he got any worse I'd call an ambulance.
And so the next day I very carefully drove him the the nearest A&E to get him checked over properly.
On arrival he shuffled up to the reception desk where a nurse asked him what had happened and how.
The boyfriend gave me a withering glare as he related the accident to her and I did my very best to look contrite, which wasn't difficult.
When he'd finished the nurse (who'd managed to keep a straight face while listening) looked at me and asked the boyfriend if he wanted to press charges or not, but her smile and his gave away the fact that they weren't serious.
When we saw the doctor, the boyfriend once again told the tale of the incident and (also trying to keep a straight face) the doctor wrote down that the cause of the accident was 'horse play'.
An X-Ray confirmed that the boyfriend had broken a rib, but as it wasn't displaced in any way, all the doctor could do for treatment was to send him home with instructions to take it easy until it healed and take painkillers when needed.
For the next couple of weeks I did my very best to nurse the boyfriend, and finally he was fit to go back to work.
Friday rolled around, and where he worked, Friday after work meant everyone in the office getting together for a couple of beers to unwind before going home, and as I was chauffeur, when I came to pick him up I joined them.
As soon as I walked in I was met by a barrage of comments such as 'Uh-oh, keep her away from me else I'll end up in hospital' and 'Swinging from the chandeliers were you two, eh?' from his co-workers.
I took most of the ribaldry in good humour until the boss of the company came into the room and said something along the lines of, 'Look you, if you're going to damage my workers by shagging them, at least tell them the safety word before you start!'
My response was to smile sweetly before sidling up to him and asking if he'd like me to demonstrate on him exactly how I'd broken the boyfriend's rib.
Funnily enough he declined, but it still took a very long time before the jokes about me breaking a bloke's rib simply by tickling him stopped.

2010-05-10T15:30:00.001Z

'ello again me darlin's! Sorry I haven't been about much recently but a) my puter decided to have another hissy fit, and b) I was doing my best to remain in hiding until all the fuss about the General Election went away. I did go to vote on the day though, and was surprized that I had to wait about twenty minutes to do so. Not as bad as those poor sods to had to wait for hours in the rain before being turned away without having their say though, but I reckon that's partly their fault for waiting until the last minute before heading off to the voting station.
Anyway, I did get to say my favourite political joke on the day as I was having a talk with a friend who said that she hoped there would be a hung parliament, to which I replied 'Yes, they should all be bloody hung'.

Moving swiftly on, before we get to today's Choose-O bit, I have a request. I would like you all to get your thinking caps on for me and suggest me up with a Burlesque Star name!
I have a reason for this, but I'm not saying what it is just yet so you'll just have to wait, akay?
Ooh, and I doubt very much I'll get one, but if anyone's had a looksee at my Wish List recently, they'll have seen that I really, really want to get one of these! If anyone wants to get me one, I'd seriously appreciate it, and yes, there would be photos involved, I promise!

And now it's time for this week's Choose-O, your options for which are -

Speech
Snap

Remember, please choose wisely and don't forget to tell me all about your recents escapades while you're down there, akay?
ttfn, and don't forget about the Burlesque bits!

2010-05-05T00:11:00.000Z

So.

It's Wednesday, which means it's also Double Entendre Day here, therefore it's time for another Caption Competition.

It's also very nearly time for yet another General Election, so I've decided to use a topical photo this week, being this -

Your reward for every entry is a sense of well-being for telling the world what you think, and should anyone get me to an ever elusive 69, I'll throw a ticker-tape parade.

If you wish to leave a comment, please follow the badly drawn arrows directing you to the small wooden booths that smell strangely of cat pee, then fill in the form given to you by the weird old brady with the cat tucked under her arm before shoving it* into the battered box in front of you.

Your comments will be much appreciated, although I must point out that any comments that are illegible, or marked outside the box will not be counted.

Remember! Your comments are valuable! Please do not spoil your chance to make a difference to the world!

Thank you! And get stuck in me darlin's!

*The form, not the cat.

2010-04-29T19:20:00.002Z

Fire!

Lots of moons ago I worked at one of the then many BBC Clubs. It was generally good fun, and as the reputation of the food at the clubs was far better than at the BBC Canteens, things were generally busy.
One week however, I got a call from one of the bosses asking me if I'd be willing to cover another member of staff at another BBC Club who was going on holiday, and as I knew how things operated (I was a senior catering manager no-less, nothing to do with my age, just my nous and experience) the next Monday found me travelling another two stops or so on the 207 bus route to my 'new', temporary work place.
After I'd found where to put my coat and where the loos were, I got stuck in to familiarizing myself with layout of the kitchen area, which was rather different from my usual kitchen inasmuch as part of it was directly connected to the bar area as the bar staff needed access to get to their glass cleaner which was in the kitchen.
The Club where I was spending the rest of the week was also much larger and rather busier than my little Club and had many more bar staff working there, some of whom said hello to me, but the majority just got on with their work as if I wasn't there, and although I was my usual cheery, smiley self, the bar staff pretty much ignored me.
By Wednesday I'd got the hang of where everything was and had sussed out the easiest and quickest way to get everything done before the Club opened so that I could get a break and put my paws up for a while before feeding the 500 or so regular customers.
About half an hour before the Club was due to open for lunch, I'd cooked and prepared everything that needed to be cooked and prepared, and set out the food ready for the rush, and so I grabbed a cuppa and settled down in a comfy armchair next to the kitchen entrance so I could keep an eye on things including the last batch of sausages that were slowly browning in a pan.
My break came to an abrupt stop when I suddenly heard one of the bar staff shout 'Fire!' at the top of his voice, and next I knew he'd run into the kitchen holding a metal bin, the contents of which were on fire and blazing nicely.
He ran around in small circles before screaming out 'Fire!' again which got the attention of the other bar staff, who also came rushing into the kitchen behind him.
For a couple of moments there was shear panic as about six blokes ran around in small circles wondering what to do next.
One of them had a brainwave which was to get a fire extinguisher, and so they ran out of the kitchen in search of one.
While they ran around the Club panicking, I calmly went into the kitchen, got hold of a fire retardant padded cloth used for taking extremely hot things out of ovens, picked up the metal bin, placed it into the sink and turned the tap on which put the fire out.
I then went back to my comfy armchair and cuppa.
At last, one of the bar staff found a fire extinguisher and they all ran back into the kitchen only to find everything under control, the fire in the sink, and no flames except the ones under the sausages.
They looked stunned until they figured out what might have happened and one of them came up to me and asked if I'd put the fire out, to which I replied simply 'Yes'.
That day, after I'd finished work, the barman who'd asked me if I'd stopped the fire asked me if I'd care for a drink before I went home, and the next day when I came in, I got a cuppa brought to me when I arrived and also when I sat down for a break. They also began to say hello to me instead of ignoring me, but I was still very glad to get back to my own little Club the following week.

2010-04-28T12:13:00.002Z

Regular readers will have noticed that Tuesday has once again been postponed until tomorrow, but today is still on, which means it's time for this week's Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition!

And this week I've trawled teh intermanet for something vaguely topical, and seeing that there seems to be a lot in the news about some important football match coming up, I've chosen this piccy -

There's a slice of orange going for every entry, and a mug of hot Bovril available should I get me an ever elusive 69.

So, after the whistle, Get In There!

*pheeeeep!*

2010-04-26T18:46:00.002Z

And yet again 'tis Monday. Woo, and indeed, hoo!

I'm actually very happy to report that nothing exciting has happened to me since I last signed in, and that after a visit to the local hostipal I've found that my foot is not broken, just badly bent, which is a 'Good Thing' in my opinion.
I've got some pretty spectacular bruises on me bum and hip, and also on my elbow next to where the skin was removed by the Uxbridge Road, but I'm slowly but surely getting back to something near 'normal', whatever 'normal' may be.

Alas, I didn't get to the DAS do. I wanted to go, but I realized that if I had gone I'd have overdone things and tried to fight, and fighting when incapacitated is not a sensible thing whatsoever, as I might have injured someone else because I was not up to full strength.
So instead, I pottered about the house and got a few bits of housework doned, and put my foot up as much as possible. Rah...

But anyhoo, me feeling sore and sorry for meself ain't going to do anyone any good, so in order to get back to the rhythm of life, 'tis time for this weeks Choose-O, but before we get to that I have a little anecdote which I hope you might find entertaining.

I took this photo last week during the airplane embargo over British airspace brought on by the volcanic activity in Iceland.

It was also a lovely sunny day, so warm in fact that people could sit outside the pub wearing just a t-shirt if they desired*.
I took the piccy and went back in the pub to show some friends this rarity of a shot saying, 'Isn't it fabulous not to see any vapour trails in the sky for once!?' to which one bloke came back with the rejoinder, 'Well of course there aren't any vapour trails in the sky; it's so hot they get dissolved before we get a chance to see them'.

And on to the Choose-O. Your options this week are -

Speech
Snap
Fire!

Please place your order in the comments box along with a description of your weekend, or any other interesting, exciting things that have happened to you recently.

ttfn, and may the deity of your choice bring you all good things!

*And jeans/skirt/sarong as well of course!

2010-04-22T22:03:00.002Z

So, you know that saying 'Cheer up, things can only get better!'?

Bullshit.

And I know this empirically.

Earlier today I woke up feeling rather happy. Thanks to the recent sunshine I wasn't as achy as usual, and when the Ex-partner-in-crime asked me if I'd like to accompany him on a stroll to West Ealing and back as he had a few errands to run, I replied 'Yay, why not!?'

And so, off we trotted towards West Ealing whereupon our journey we were suddenly confronted by a psychopathic. drug-addled, pisshead from hell who for some insane reason believes that I slept with her boyfriend.

Now, I most certainly have done no such thing. I've known the 'boyfriend' since I was twelve years old and for some years looked up to him as an older brother. Once, many years ago I put him up on my sofa as he was destitute, but that's as far as it ever went.

Really sadly over the years, he has got into drugs in a serious way, and I'm not just talking about the odd puff of Maryjane.
His girlfriend is even more of a druggie, and when she can't afford drugs, she drinks, and drinks very heavily.

She'd been threatening me for over two years although I'd done nothing, and to say I was getting 'fed up' with her screaming and threatening abuse directed at me in the streets was pissing me off, was an understatement.

And so, today.

The Ex-partner-in-crime and I were walking towards West Ealing, when I suddenly noticed that she was walking right towards me with a friend of hers, who I admit is an acquaintance of mine.
As usual she started screaming at me about how I alledgerdly slept with her boyfriend and was a lying whore &c, and as soon as she got within striking distance, I once again denied her allegations and asked her to simply leave me alone. I turned my back on her and next I knew she'd shoved me so violently from behind, that I lost my footing on a tree root causing my ankle to twist badly, the rest of me to fall into oncoming traffic, and the skin that was supposed to be on my right elbow to be smeared all over the Uxbridge Road.

Very fortunately there was a police car nearby and so I flagged them down.
Funnily enough, it was then that I was informed by one of the 'See you next Tuesday's' friends, that she was on bail, and that if I pressed charged she'd end up in prison.

Oh, how so very tempting do you think it was for me to sat 'Yeah, press charges!'?

But. The police did what they could to patch me up (I'm allergic to sticky plasters and they didn't have any non-hypoallergenic) and after a while I decided that for now, it was probably best all round to leave it with me signing a statement that read that 'I would not press charges at this moment in time' and made it seriously damn clear that if she ever so much as looks at me in a way I don't like, she's had it.

I'm still left with a badly sprained ankle and a very sore arm, not to mention to bruise that's developing on my lower back and bum. All these injuries mean I won't be able to make it the DAS weekend I was looking forwards to going to tomorrow, but still; could have been worse.

There could have been an oncoming bus!

2010-04-21T15:56:00.002Z

Wayhey for Wednesday! As once again it brings us the joys of the Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, and what can be more fun than that, eh?*

Today I have trawled the intermanet to find you a photo to amuse and scintillate your grey matter, but all I could find was this -

There's a bottle of Michaelob going for every entry, and a pint of Baileys available should anyone get me to a soixante-neuf.

So, get'cha ya-yas out and get stuck in!

*Answers if any, on a postcard/carrier pigeon/back of a blank signed cheque/comments box.

2010-04-15T15:55:00.002Z

Launch Party

Many moons ago I had a wonderful dog called Chips. I've written about him on these pages before, but for those readers who are new, and those with the attention span of a noodle, Chips was a Staffordshire Bull Labrador Cross, who came to live with me from Battersea Dog's Home when I was about eight years old.
He was a fabulous dog; a friend, companion, side-kick and minder all rolled into one, furry package with a big grin and a waggy tail.
From the first day I got him we went everywhere together whenever we could, and between us there wasn't an inch of the local park left unexplored.
But then after he'd been living with us for about six months, one day we couldn't find him in the garden.
We called and called, and despite my searching every nook and cranny of the garden including the embankment, there was no sign of him, but just as I was on the verge of tears thinking he'd run away, suddenly, there he was strolling in through the back door and treating me to another big grin.
I was so relieved I couldn't be angry with him, but one thing remained a mystery. At the time, the garden was separated from the road by a fence that was almost six foot high with no gaps or holes, so how the hell had Chips got out?
We all forgot about his great escape until one day, a couple of weeks later, he vanished yet again.
Although I worried I had a feeling that he'd be back, and sure enough, a couple of hours later, there he was sitting by the front door waiting to be let in.
My mum and dad checked all around the garden perimeters but again found no holes big enough for Chips to get through, so how he disappeared remained a mystery.
Until the day that I saw him make a break for freedom.
Unknown to Chips, I'd climbed a tree by the front gate and as I watched he looked around to check the coast was clear to escape before jumping up onto a tree stump that was next to the fence and then jumping up onto the fence itself and then leaped to the pavement below.
After that we got used to his comings and goings and after I saw him using a nearby pedestrian crossing (He waited patiently looking both ways until to my astonishment, the traffic in both directions stopped for him and he crossed over giving each driver in turn a grin and a wag of his tail) I figured out he was smart enough to not get lost or into trouble*
I was still curious as to how he got back into the garden though, as there was no tree stump on the other side of the fence to give him a paw up, but then one day, on my way back from school I saw his method.
What he did was to wait until there was no traffic coming, then walk out into the road, then curl himself up into a tightly sprung coil before getting a good run up that got him all the way back up and over the fence! For a medium sized dog, he sure could leap!
The locals got used to seeing Chips coming and going over the fence and most were savvy enough to cross the road before the got to his escape point, after all, none of them fancied getting jumped on by a well set dog, even though he had a charming nature and a big grin.
But one poor chap wasn't so lucky.
One fine summer's eve, I was on my way back from the station, and in front of me by about ten feet or so was a man who'd also exited the station at the same time.
I rounded the corner in time to see the poor man nearly have a heart attack as as if from nowhere, a rather heavy, medium sized black dog fell on his head.
He screamed.
Chips screamed.
I ran, as a) I didn't want to own up to owning Chips at that moment in time and b) I was desperately trying not to laugh.
I heard the man scream some more and next I knew Chips hurtled past me as fast as his paws would carry him.
I waited for a moment or so before peering back round the corner in case the man was still there, but happily he was just limping out of view by then.
Maybe I should have put up a sign that read 'Beware of Low Flying Dog!' but then again people might have stopped to read it and the chances of being landed on by Chips would have been even greater.
If that man is reading this, I am very, very sorry for my dog's behaviour, but I bet you got a great story to tell at parties.

*Apart from getting a bitch in Greenford pregnant, he didn't. Or at least, if he did, we didn't find out and he wouldn't tell us what he got up to on his excursions.

2010-04-14T13:34:00.003Z

Due to forces beyond my control, yesterday's post will now be on Thursday, and hopefully Friday's will be on Friday, if not that might happen tomorrow instead, which means that Thursday will become Saturday and I'll been found having a lie down in a dark room somewhere.

But today is still Wednesday which means that once again it's time for the Double Entendre Day Caption Competition, your photo for which is this -

There's a swig of a power drink going for every entry, and an energy bar available should anyone get me to a 69!

So, as is now traditional, get stuck in to my box and give it a thorough stuffing please!

2010-04-12T15:54:00.004Z

And once again another week blossoms before us like a bud unfulrling in the springtime sun*

Today we have the usual Monday Choose-O, the results of which will determine what tomorrow brings, then on Wednesday be ready for some titillation with the Double Entendre Day Caption Competition; Thursday is as yet not 100% certain so look forward to a surprize, then on Friday I hope to bring you all sorts of fun and exciting stuff to entertain you for some, or perhaps the whole of the weekend!

Aren't you all lucky!?**

Also today, before I get to your options for the Choose-O, I have another anecdote to regale you with. It's a true story as I know the ~~fucktard~~ person involved, although I will not name names in order to protect the not-so innocent.
So.

This bloke I know has dabbled in 'soft' drugs for many years, so much so that you can tell when he's getting near by the aroma of 'herbal' cigarettes from fifty paces with a following wind.
One day, not so long ago, he decided to try something different, and after asking around the local denizens of the area he managed to score some crack, or crack cocaine as it's also known for the sum of around £30.
Now he'd read all about how to smoke it, but had never put the method into practise before, and after looking up instructions on the intermanet, he looked around his house and found a plastic bottle, a straw, and some blu-tack to help seal the straw 'pipe' in place.
He carefully made a hole in the side of the bottle and got the pipe in place before realizing that he didn't have any tin foil to make the part of the pipe on which to burn the crack, which according to instructions you place over the top of the bottle, then secure with an elastic band before making some tiny holes in it with a pin in order to place the crack on top before burning it whilst breathing in through the straw.
So he improvized.

He improvized with cling film, the result being his face getting splashed with molten plastic and £30 worth of class A drugs literally going up in smoke.
Some people say that drug addicts are stupid, but some people are too stupid to become drug addicts in the first instance.

And now, your Choose-O choices are -

Speech
Snap
Launch time

Choose wisely my cherubim, and don't forget to tell me all about what you've been up to since last we talked, akay?

Tootles for now, *mwah!*

*Comment may contain traces of purple prose.
**Answers on a postcard/carrier pigeon/comments box.

2010-04-07T23:00:00.000Z

And so another Bonk holiday passes by with only the wrappings of copious amounts of chocolate left to rot in a landfill to remind us that about 2,000 years ago, some bloke got nailed to a tree for telling us that being nice to each other might be a Good Thing.

Yes siree! Chocolate Sunday is over and done with for another year, and seeing as I did nothing to celebrate it's advent at the time, I've decided to do so now with a picture I found on teh intermanet that I reckon is most apposite.

It is this -

As is normal with this 'ere Double Entendre Day's Caption Competition, I have some rewards for your efforts and this time there's a Creme Egg going for every entry, and a tasty rabbit pie available should anyone get me to another much awaited 69.

So.

On yer marks...

Set...

Go!

Oh, and don't forget to tell me all about what you've been up to since we last talked while you're stuffing my box, akay?

*smooches*

2010-04-01T17:05:00.002Z

Weird Science

Lots of moons ago I was forced to go to school, which I mostly endured with good grace. Most of the time I was bored witless with the lessons and so, but now and then something exciting would happen that made getting up in the morning worthwhile.
This was one of those occasions.
At one of the schools I went to they had a very old fashioned science classroom. It was a Victorian building and the rooms were big with very high ceilings. In the science room they'd installed wonderful old work units throughout the middle of the room and we all sat on big, high stools to reach the worktops.
Also installed on the worktops were gas taps for the Bunsen burners, at the very far end of the room was the teacher's desk, and at the other end the wall was lined with deep, old-fashioned sinks and the store cupboard, which was chock full of all sorts of interesting things that if mixed correctly would go 'BANG!' and turn things a pretty colour and/or burn through them.
Our science teacher was ~~a tad eccentric~~ a total, utter fruitloop of the highest order. He knew his subject alright, but reckoned that in order to entice children to learn, the best thing was to get them excited about the subject in hand, and sometimes his methods were rather... unusual, to say the least.
One day our lesson was to be all about the human digestive system. Instead of the normal 'read these chapters before I show you diagrams on a slide show' method of teaching, our teacher decided it would be better if he pretended to be a bit of food going through the body, and began by jumping onto his desk, or 'the mouth'.
As he made his way through 'the body' he would jump onto empty stools and side desks telling us that he was now in the small intestine, and punctuate his moves with cards showing us where he was in the body.
He was getting more and more excited as he went along, and he failed to notice that some of his pupils had lost interest in his antics and had become far more intrigued by the gas taps on the worktop next to them.
He also failed to notice that one of the boys had a lighter.
We watched the teacher leap around the classroom; I don't know what the other pupils were thinking but I was in a state of bemused disbelief and was wondering how long he could keep going without falling off the furniture.
It was when he leaped from a side desk and into 'the large intestine' that things became very interesting indeed.
He leaped at the exact moment as the boy with the lighter lit a jet of gas, which caught the teacher on the ankle and set fire to his trousers.
Within a second he realized he was on fire and tried to jump off the desk, but unfortunately his foot caught a pile of books which sent him skidding along the work unit at high speed, screaming as he went.
He came to a stop by falling off the far end of the units by the sink, and very luckily knocked over a bucket of water which put out the flames on his trousers.
All was quiet for a few seconds as we held out collected breaths and wondered whether to call for help or laugh...
But then with great aplomb, the teacher stood up, stepped back up onto the work unit and said,
"And that, children, is how shit happens!"
We gave him a standing ovation as he made his way back to his desk before dismissing the class ten minutes early, bless him.
If all lessons at school had been taught by him, I'd have willingly gone every day.

2010-03-31T15:51:00.003Z

Ye gods how the time flies by! Seems like only a week's gone by since the last Double Entendre Day!

Oh...

Anyway, as it's time for yet another Caption Competition I've found you a photo of a topless blond falling out of a car to get your brains going -

There's a Jelly Vodka shot going for every entry and Sex on the Beach available should I get another 69!

So... That's it really.

Over to you, have at it &c...

2010-03-30T13:04:00.002Z

I know, I missed posting yesterday which means that yesterday's Choose-O will now be today for posting on Thursday.

But before I get to the options I have another little anecdote to impart.

It began when a friend of mine was selling some underwear; all brand new etc, just an unwanted bulk-load of assorted knickers, and as they were my size and only a fiver for the lot I bought them from her.
A few days ago I was once again in my local pub with the Ex-partner-in-crime, and we were discussing the world in general when he mentioned that he'd bumped into a friend of mine who'd asked how I was, but he couldn't remember her name.
He described her, and and I eventually twigged who he was talking about and in a loud voice - because the Juke Box was playing rather loudly as well - said 'Oh, yes, I got the knickers off her!' at exactly the same moment as the song ended and the pub was quiet.
All eyes turned on me as I tried to hide in the corner.
My life really is one of those 'You had to be there moments' at times...

Anyhoo, Choose-O time, and your options are -

Speech
Snap
Weird Science

Select wisely my cherubs, and while you're down there, why not tell me all about your weekends or any embarrassing moments that you've had!
As always, I promise to keep anything you tell me a secret!

2010-03-26T12:46:00.003Z

Woohoo for weekends!

And also for almost doing a whole week of blogging again! Sorry about yesterday but 'life' got in the way of things I wanted to do.
But anyway, tis Friday once more and your subject to get your grey matter working again is another 'How Many Different Uses Can You Think Of For An Ordinary Everyday Item?'
If you haven't played this before, what happens is that I give you an item to think of, like say - a spoon - and you have to think of as many ways of using is as possible, such as -

To dig your way out of prison very slowly.
To play 'Spoons' with.
To dig someone's heart out with.*

And so on and so forth.
Today's Ordinary Everyday Item has been mentioned in literature as being one of the most useful things to have with you while you hitch-hike around the galaxy, and is-

A Towel.

As the late, great Douglas Adams already stated, you can "wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough."

And as usual, I'm certain you lot can think up many more wonderful and ingenious ways of using one, so over to you, and have as fabulous a weekend as you possibly can!

ttfn,

*"Why a spoon?"
"Because it hurts more, you twit!"

2010-03-24T11:04:00.004Z

Once again it's Wednesday, which means it's time for yet another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, yeeehah!

Once again I've spent precious time trawling teh intermanet in order to find you the perfect photo for you to get your grey matter working, and eventually I came up with this -

There's a juicy carrot going for every entry, and a delicious beef tomato available should I get me a 69!

You should know what to do by now, so get on and do it!

2010-03-23T15:55:00.002Z

Kaboom!

Once upon a time, a friend of mine went to university.
She was younger than me by some years, and was, according to all who met her, very intelligent.
At school she'd got top marks in all her classes, her favourites of which were maths, science and physics, and she received lots of pieces of special paper proving she was good at the subjects as well.
She stayed on at school in order to get her A levels in all her favourite subjects, and because she passed with very good grades, quite a few universities said they would be very pleased if she would go to them to study even more.
So, she sat down with her mummy and daddy and talked about which was the best place for her to go to and after they'd decided that, they then had to choose whether or not she stayed in halls or with some other students in a house share.
Now, although my friend was very clever, she was totally naive when it came to simple things such as how to use a washing machine, boil an egg, or use a vacuum cleaner, as all the time she'd been living at home, her mummy had done everything for her.
Taking this into account, her and her parents decided that staying in halls would be the best option, mainly because there would always be someone nearby to help her with anything domestic, and also she wouldn't have to cook as there was a nearby canteen and cafe on campus.
And so, later that summer, off she went to stay away from home for the first time in her life.
She settled into uni life quite well apart from a severe bout of home-sickness which she got over by studying hard and discovering alcohol and boys for the first time in her life.
Some months went by and she was invited to spend a weekend at some friends from her class that were staying in shared digs a few miles away from campus.
Off she went with her overnight bag and a large bottle of cider to enjoy the party, and enjoy the party she did indeed.
The next day, around lunchtime, she awoke to find the rest of the household still asleep.
As she had not eaten much the night before, she was rather hungry and so she went to have a rifle through the kitchen cupboards to find something to eat.
To her joy she unearthed a small tinned steak and kidney pudding, which was one of her favourites as her mummy had cooked it for her many times before.
She read the instructions which stated that the pudding could either be boiled in the tin for a long time, or placed in the microwave for a couple of minutes, and being rather hungry she went for the latter option.
She placed the pudding in the microwave, and decided that the 'high' option would be even quicker, and to speed things up even more, she decided it might be an idea to give it a couple of minutes extra, just in case.
She then went into the front room to have a sit down and await the 'ping'.
But the 'ping' never came.
Instead, a short while later, there came a bloody great,

KABOOM!

Which woke everyone in the house and some of the neighbours.
My friend went back into the kitchen to find the microwave in parts, which in turn were covered in fragments of steak and kidney pudding and gravy, strewn around the kitchen.
When her friends asked her what she'd done, it transpired that she had missed out rather important parts of the instructions, such as taking the pudding out of the tin, or even making a hole in the lid of the tin to let the pressure out. She did not know (despite her love for physics and science) that it is not a good idea to put pressurized metal objects into a microwave.
Unless of course you want to try and make it explode.

2010-03-22T15:33:00.003Z

Wotha grooverth, and welcome to another wacky week in the blogothphere!
Before we get onto today'th Choothe-O for tomorrow'th entertainment, I would like you all to give a big round of applauthe the my faithful, little hippo, who onthe again accompanied me to the dentith today.
It wathn't ath bad ath I thought it would be ath I only got a filling rather than having the tooth pulled out, but I'm thtill feeling rather groggy from the aneththetic and I'm having difficulty talking properly too.
Half of my fathe ith thtill numb, and I think I've bitten my tongue a couple of timeth, but at leatht I'm not drooling.
At leatht I don't think I am.
Tho anywayth, before I forget, your choitheth for tomorrow'th Choothe-O are -

Thpeech.
Thnap!
Kaboom!

Pleathe choothe withely, and don't forget to tell me all about your weekend'th while you're down there, akay?

If anyone wanth me, I'll be back in bed, trying to drink thome thoup.

ttfn!

2010-03-19T13:09:00.003Z

F-f-f-friday once again, woo, and indeed hoo!

Thus the weekend beckons, promising possible adventure, romance and excitement but will more than likely contain shopping for food, watching Casualty and spleeping late on Sunday.
I can barely contain myself; the anticipation is too much...

Anyways, I have another topic for you to ponder over, being this.

Which five famous people would you most like to go to have a drink in a pub with, and why?

After some cogitation and deliberation, here are my choices.

Alan Rickman. If I could pluck up the courage to say something other than 'muh' I would try and talk him into letting me act with him, preferably one of the scenes from Private Lives.
Billy Connolly. I'd probably be laughing too much to get a word in edgeways, but I reckon we'd find plenty of common ground to talk about.
Cynthia Heimel. Not only is she one of my favourite writers, she lives for her dogs and works tirelessly to help those in need of love and help.
Neil Oliver. Not only do I love his accent (the rest of him's not bad either!) but I'd love to ask him about his work, and I'd also try and get him to take me to Smalls Lighthouse for a few days.
Bill Bailey. According to those who know him, he's as funny and lovable in the flesh as he is 'on stage'.

And for those who thought I'd have Richard Hammond and Sebastien Chabal on my list, they're wrong. I'd love to meet them, but I wouldn't want to waste time talking to them!

And so, over to you. I promise I won't tell anyone else your secrets, honest.

Have a wonderful weekend y'all!

ttfn!

2010-03-18T16:59:00.003Z

A few days ago, my friend Nigle and I were sitting in my local pub having a few beers and catching up on the latest gossip and so.
The day before, the Ex-Partner-In-Crime had been talking to a woman who was looking for a home for one of her dogs as they'd started fighting (the two dogs, not the woman and the dog) and she wasn't able to stop them once they'd begun, and the EPIC had asked if I'd like to view the dog and maybe give it a new home at mine.
I'd been told that the dog was a female, neutered and chipped Staffordshire Bull Terrier crossed with a 'something', was called Diana, and that whoever gave her a home could not change her name.
Now personally, I don't like the name Diana for a dog, or rather 'bitch' as I prefer dogs to have more 'doggy' sort of names, like Mutley, or Chips, or Sheba. I'd feel ridiculous calling out 'Diana' at the top of my voice in the park if the thing refused to come back to me, as people might think I'd lost a child instead of a dog. If I decided to take the dog, I would have to change the name.
I asked Nigle what sort of a dog got called 'Diana', to which he replied,
"Maybe one that gets married to a King Charles Spaniel then gets run over by a car?"
Beer came out of my nose at that point, and it took me a good ten minutes to stop laughing.

BTW, I didn't take the dog, but not because of its name.

2010-03-17T13:14:00.002Z

Greetings, and top 'o the mornin' to ya on this fine Saint Patrick's Day!

I'm not one of the people that celebrate today by going to the nearest pub that's selling green lager at half price until closing time, neither will I be dressing up as a leprechaun or wearing special hats advertizing Guinness on them either.

I will be eschewing the celebrations and anything green and alcoholic.
However, today is a great day for a Double Entendre Day Caption Competition with a difference, and so I have once again trawled the internet for something special for you.

It is this -

A pint of green lager for every entry, and a large, green whisky available should I get an ever elusive 69!

Without further ado,

Get Stuck In!

2010-03-16T13:05:00.002Z

Buzzzzz

Many moons ago when I was about eighteen years old, I got invited to a good friend's Hen Party.
A gang of about six of us had planned to meet up in a pub in London on the afternoon of the do, with the intention of getting some Hen Party odds and ends and also a pressie for the Bride.
We planned our shopping list over a couple of bottles of wine and then headed off to the nearest shop that sold... well... 'adult' toys.
Giggling and blushing we surveyed the array of goods on display, and after some deliberation we all agreed on getting the bride a splendid, shiny, gold vibrator as after an earlier conversation we'd learned that she'd never seen one before and to tell the truth, most of us had never seen one either, being so young and innocent back then.
We also got some of the more usual Hen accessories, and after the chap working the cash register reminded us to get some batteries, we headed back to the pub, still giggling and blushing.
We ordered some more wine while we had a look at our purchases, but as the pub was rather busy, we decided to take the vibrator into the loo to see what it did.
We waited until there were no other people in the loos before carefully unwrapping the box and putting the batteries into it so it would be ready to go at the party later.
Of course, we had to switch it on to make sure it worked and work it certainly did!
We set it on it's end on the shelf by the sinks and watched as it whirled around like a small, gold, penis-shaped dervish, all the while making a rather loud 'Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'.
As we watched and laughed we heard the door to the loos open and one of us quickly grabbed the vibrator and went to switch it off.
But it would not switch off.
A few seconds later a woman entered the toilets to be met by a group of girls all standing stock still and looking as innocent as possible whilst in the background a loud 'Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' filled the room.
As soon as the woman went into a cubicle we tried again to switch it off, but to no avail. We even tried to take out the batteries, but no luck there either.
Eventually, after about ten minutes it finally fell silent and stopped vibrating, and we put it back into the box and wrapped it before heading back to our drinks.
The Hen Party was great fun. The bride fell about laughing at her pressie and laughed even more when we told her what had happened in the pub. The rest of the night was rather blurry in parts, but I remember the stripper most vividly. Strange how some things stay in the memory after so many years, eh?
Anyway, that night we all stayed at one of our little gang's flat in Covent Garden, and the next morning we were woken by a strange noise.
A strange 'buzzing' noise to be exact.
Somehow the vibrator had switched itself on again, and once again we could not switch it off.
We were beginning to think it was possessed by that point, although what the heck would posses a vibrator we weren't sure.
After breakfast we all began to wend our separate ways home after promising to meet up again as soon as possible for another girl's night out. The bride took home her present after vowing to bring it back to the next party just for a larf.
Later that evening, I got a call from one of the girls who told me that the bride had had a very embarrassing incident on the train journey home.
She'd been sitting in a crowded carriage with her bag containing her pressie on the seat next to her and had been wearing her Walkman with the sound up rather loud.
Rather loud was too loud for her to hear the loud buzzing noise emanating from her handbag and it was only after she realized that everyone in the carriage was staring at her, did she, to her horror, figure out that the vibrator had switched itself on again.
She fled to the nearest toilet to try and shut the thing up, but yet again it refused and she had to wait about fifteen minutes before it at last decided to stop buzzing.
Nothing exciting (apart from the wedding) happened for about six months.
By then it was almost Christmas and us girls planned about night out.
We met up at the same pub and as promised, the bride had brought along the gold vibrator.
Fortunately the thing stayed silent throughout the night, and the next day after breakfast we made plans for the next do.
I'd been invited to another friend's Hen Party and I asked if I could borrow the vibrator to take along, as I'd told my friend about how it switched itself on-and-off at random and she wanted to see it for herself.
I really wish I hadn't as guess what happened while I was on the bus?
Yep.
My handbag began to buzz and shudder and I ended up walking most of the way home along quiet backstreets.
Once at home I wrapped it up in as many plastic bags as possible (to muffle the sound in case it decided to have a buzz-fest) before shoving it underneath my sofa-bed.
All, apart from the occasional muffled buzzing from under my bed, was quiet for another few months, but then one day my home was sadly burgled.
It happened while my mum, dad and I were all out at work and I was the first one back to find the place ransacked.
Luckily the place hadn't been vandalized and the dogs were alright, but to say it was a bit of a shock was an understatement.
We all went through our things to see what had been taken so that we could give a list to the insurance company, and it was while I was checking for my jewelery box that I'd shoved right at the back of under my sofa-bed and was fortunately still there, did I realize that the possessed vibrator had been taken.
I thought about telling the police to keep an ear out for a loud buzzing noise that might bring them to the bastards who'd burgled us, but decided it was probably best not to.
But I can still imagine the expressions on the burglars faces as they found themselves with a gold vibrator that was possessed with a need to buzz whenever it wanted to and refuse to switch off until it was ready.
Oh, and I didn't put it on the list for the insurers either.

2010-03-15T12:52:00.002Z

Monday Monday, can't trust that day, Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way, and 'that way' for me is a fabulous start to the week thanks to 'toothache' that kept me awake all last night.
I've got an emergency appointment at the dentist booked for later this afternoon, so for the next couple of hours I will be trying to get myself as calm as possible. Seeing as I'm terrified of going to the dentist and had to do some deep breathing just to walk in to get the appointment, I'd better try very hard to keep calm and not run out screaming as soon as the dentist asks me to open wide.
But brave I will be, as this toothache is bloody painful! If anyone out there has never had toothache before, consider themselves very lucky indeed. If you have had one of those toothaches that make you feel as if you want to rip your lower jaw out of your head just to make the pain stop, I'm sure you'll empathize.
I've had better starts to weeks before, but it''ll be over soon (I hope) and as long as I'm not drooling like an imbecile afterwards, I will venture out to the nearby park armed with camera to take loads of clickage in the gorgeous spring sunshine while it lasts.

But anyhoo, enough of talk of dentists, Monday means it's time for this week's Choose-O, and your options for tomorrow's entertainment are -

Speech
Crack
Buzzzzzz

And of course, while you're down there, don't forget to tell me all about your weekends, and if you've got any jokes as well, please share as I think I'll be in need of a larf when I get back from the dentist.

I have my small, ever faithful toy hippo right by my side already.

Wish me luck!

2010-03-12T15:48:00.003Z

Yay!, woot! and huzzah!

Not only is it Friday, but I've also managed to post every day since Monday as a) my 'puter's been behaving itself, my intermantet connection has stayed on, and c) I've shifted my Blogger's Block! Well, for the time being at least.

And as I already mentioned somewhere, I have a little sumfink for you to get'cher thinking caps on for again today.

It is a question, and it is 'What Evil Superpower Would You Most Like To Have?'

My good friend, Mr De Sade asked me the same while we were in my local pub yesterday, and we've already thought up a good many to get you in the mood, such as -

The ability to empty Cash Points (ATMs for American readers) at will.
(Imagine the fun and chaos to be had on a crowded Saturday afternoon in the centre of London when everyone starts chasing after £20 notes!)
The ability to render all lager non-alcoholic.
(Even worse, making the only drink to contain alcohol, Babycham!)
The ability to stop footballs from crossing white lines.
(Just use your imagination for that one!)
The ability to render every street surface extremely slippery.
(Again, just think about it!)
The power to ensure that all political leaders tell The Truth!
(Liar Liar!, on a huge scale!)
To be able to control all CD and DVD players to run backwards only.
The power to give all flying animals severe diarrhea.
The ability to make every parking space in the world 2 feet narrower.
And finally, to ensure that every Cold Caller and Door-to-Door salespersons get woken up avery hour, on the hour whenever they try to get to sleep.

One day the world will be mine, oh yes...

Anyhoo, as usual I'm sure you lot can think up all sorts of wonderfully evil poswers, so over to you, and have a fabulous weekend!

ttfn,

2010-03-11T18:07:00.002Z

Huzzah! It's Thursday, and for the first time in ages I have an amusing anecdote to regale you with, and also, I have something fun planned for tomorrow, yay!

So anyway, I was in my local pub earlier (which in case you haven't been kept up to speed, is no longer the Dukeski of Yorkski, but is now a jolly decent place to go to again!) where there resides a young dog by the name of Scrappy.
Scrappy is a lovely young scamp aged two years old, whose raison d'être is to meet and greet customers as they enter the establishment.
He also enjoys playing games with the customers, and as he's such a friendly young thing with a very happy temperament, people enjoy playing with him as well.
He's taking a big liking to me and so whenever I walk through the door, I am immediately jumped on and thoroughly licked and sniffed as a welcome.
Scrappy also likes my ex-partner-in-crime, so much so that whenever the EPIC is seated at one of the tables, Scrappy will jump onto the surrounding furniture and ensure that the EPIC's ears are clean by licking them until ~~a fight starts~~ the EPIC gives Scrappy a cuddle and says 'No more, please young dog!'.
Earlier this evening, Scrappy was enjoying a bone treat that I'd purchased for him yesterday, and when the EPIC saw it, he decided to play a game with Scrappy that involved taking the bone away from him and winding him up by hiding it from him.
However, the EPIC was not expecting Scrappy to have a cunning plan of his own.
As soon as the Epic hide the bone behind his back, Scrappy grabbed hold of the EPIC's brand new, and rather expensive scarf that had just been given to him as a pressie.
Scrappy then refused to give the scarf back until the EPIC relinquished his bone.
Dog 1, EPIC 0.
And I haven't laughed so much for a very long time.
Good Dog.
Very Good Dog, indeed.

2010-03-10T13:59:00.002Z

Aah, me darlin's, tis time for another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition!

Of course, this means it's time to get down and dirty in my box and once again I've trawled teh intermanet for something delicious and delectable to get you in the mood!

Knowing that you lot have wide and varied tastes as to what counts as delicious and delectable, I used certain keywords in my search to find the perfect picture for this week's comp, such as 'kinky', 'unusual', and 'pretty' and I reckon I've found the perfect photo to suit everyone's palate, so without any further preamble or delay, here it is -

There's a scrummy finger of fudge going for every entry, and a yumptious mug of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows available should anyone get me to an every elusive, 69!

Get in there!

2010-03-09T18:30:00.002Z

Magic

Some years ago I had a lovely car. It was a white Citroën which I named Binky, was very comfy, rarely let me down, and I really enjoyed driving around in it.
At the time I was doing a great deal of driving, mostly between Reading and London, and to add to my driving experience, I had a load of cassettes in the car to listen to as I ~~hurtled~~ sedately drove along the M4.
I also made up a load of mixed tapes from my CDs, and knowing about my love of music while driving, a then friend** made me a tape from a selection of her CDS.
I first played it while I was out driving on a gorgeously hot summer's day, and I turned up the volume, wound the window down and was soon having a fab time as I wended my way towards London.
I can't remember exactly what tracks were on the tape, but I knew most of them and couldn't help singing along and so as I drove.
The traffic had been very light but as I drew closer to home, things got rather more crowded and the nearer to home I got, the heavier the traffic got and the lower the speed limit signs became.
By the time I got to a large roundabout the traffic was very slow indeed, and also the tape came to the end of side 2.
As I waited at some traffic lights, surrounded by other cars, I was thinking about something other than the tape and I forgot that it was still on, and that the volume was up to almost full.
I also didn't know that my then friend had added a 'hidden bonus track' at the end of side 2.
The lights turned to green, and as I and the rest of the traffic slowly pulled away, I was suddenly deafened by the strains of the theme to The Magic Roundabout.
I couldn't help turning bright red as just about every other driver looked at me and thought feck knew what as they drove around the roundabout with the theme tune belting out as they went.
Even worse, as I fumbled to find the eject button, I looked up to find a pair of police officers peering at me with bemused smiles as I did my best to turn invisible.
I suppose you could say that the timing had been 'Magic' indeed.
And I still blush whenever I'm at that roundabout.

*A gold star for the first person to correctly guess why I named it Binky.
**I thought she was a friend until one day whilst I was in the grips of one of the worst episodes of depression I've ever had, she informed me by letter that she didn't want to be around me when I 'was like that', but she'd be willing to see me again if ever 'the old Misty' came back.

2010-03-08T13:09:00.003Z

It's no good.

Between the erratic connection to the intermanet and Blogger's Block, I haven't been doing a good job at keeping this blog very interesting recently, have I?

I'm saving the Choose-O Choice for tomorrow, and Wednesdays are sorted what with the Caption Competition, but as to what to write about other than that, I'm at a loss...

I need inspiration, and I need it ASAP!

And here's where I need your help again me darlin's!

It's been over two years since I last held this survey. Some of you may remember it, some of you won't have ever read it, and some of you might have filled in the questions both times I've held the survey and not remember doing so. But anyhoo, even if you have taken precious time in the past to do so, please can you do so again?* And if you haven't done so, please can you do so as well!?

So, over you you then! Please leave your answers in the comments box.

Q1: How did you first stumble across this blog?
a) Recommended by another person/blog
b) Via a Google search about a totally unrelated topic such as 'free bic biro'
c) By mistake
d) The little voices told you to find me
e) Wha...?
f) Other (please state)

Q2: Why do you keep coming back to this blog?
a) Bored
b) Glutton for punishment
c) Can't get any other sites up for some reason
d) Can't find the usual pr0n site
e) Eh...?
f) Other (please state)

Q3: What do you like most about this blog?
a) The witty and erudite ~~ramblings~~ writing
b) Double Entendre Day
c) The occasional snippets of information about various topics
d) The little skipping penguin
e) What blog?
f) Other (please state)

Q4: Do you find the recommended other blogs, sites and games etc;
a) Fun
b) Varied in selection
c) Informative
d) There are other blogs?
e) Que?
f) Other (please state)

Q5: What could be done to improve this blog?
a) More stories about mindless violence
b) More informative postings
c) More skipping penguins
d) Gratuitous references to sex and badgers
e) Y'wot?
f) Other (please state)

Q6: Would you recommend this blog to a friend?
a) Yep
b) Nah
c) Maybe
d) Dunno
e) Why, is there money involved?
f) Other (please state)

Q7: (last one) Which has been your favourite previous post on this site?
a) The one about The Night The Goats Got Loose
b) The one about the Attack Cat
c) Any of the Caption Competition ones
d) Any with reference to mindless violence and/or sex and badgers
e) There are other posts?
f) Other (please state)

Again, thank you for your time.

*Please? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?

2010-03-03T18:15:00.002Z

Wayhey, it's Wednesday again, which means it's time for yet another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, woohoo!

I know you're all champing at the bit to get stuck into stuffing my box, but before we get to that, please remember that if you haven't already voted in yesterday's Choose-O, there's still time to do so, akay?

And now that's all sorted, your photo for this week's Caption Competition is -

There's a packet of crisps going for every entry and a can of fizzy pop available should anyone get me to a 69.

So, as per usual, Get Stuck In!

2010-03-02T17:02:00.003Z

And so, after a weekend and Monday of spleeping sickness, broken 'white goods'*, possible computer virii, recurring neck lumps and other wonderful things, I'm now back online and able to offer you a selection of choices for this Thursday's entertainment, which are -

Speech
Crack
Magic

And once again I'm offering my apologies for being a terrible hostess, and have a joke to tell you as form of recompense for the 'missed' days.
So, the joke...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

I'll get my coat while you cast your votes and tell me all about what you've been up to since we last talked, akay?

My washing machine and dishwasher are in technical terms, 'rubber ducked'.

2010-02-25T14:48:00.002Z

Thief.

Quite a few moons ago, a friend of mine was running a pub in West Ealing. I visited most days at lunchtime as I was on a computer course in the building adjacent to the pub, and if my friend was short-staffed, she'd often ask me to help out behind the bar for a couple of hours.
Now, not only were most of the customers easy going and fun to be around, but my friend also had a darling little dog called Arthur.
Arthur was a thoroughbred, and fully paid up member of the Kennel Club, but despite the paperwork he looked just like a small, scruffy, mutt, and was absolutely adorable. He was just about a year old at the time, and although he was fully house-broken and knew most of the usual commands, he was sometimes a bit naughty. My friend was forever despairing of the little darling as once again he would trot into the bar, proudly carrying a pair of her knickers, or other items he'd found in the laundry basket.
One week, my friend's cleaner was on holiday and she asked if I could cover for her, and I agreed, and so every morning before 'school', I'd let myself into the pub and get stuck in to getting the place ship-shape and ready for action.
Every morning, Arthur would be ready and waiting to help me, and after he'd ensured there were no crisps, peanuts, or other bar snacks on the floor, he'd assist me by attacking the vacuum cleaner and savaging the mop. If you haven't tried mopping a floor while a small dog is holding on to the mop and growling at it, you've never mopped, trust me.
I would also check that Arthur hadn't brought anything of my friend's down from upstairs, and if I did find another bra or hairbrush or whatever, I'd put it in a safe place, well out of Arthur's reach.
Friday rolled around and I let myself in as usual, only to find Arthur conspicuous by his absence.
I thought it rather odd that he wasn't there to greet me and reckoned he must still be upstairs having a lie in for a change, after all, dogs get tired just the same as humans.
I walked around the pub doing a quick check for anything left behind from the night before, and to my surprize found a pile of torn wrapper from a packet of what (after piecing together the wrapper shreds) had been a packet of Glucose, Energy tablets. Of the energy tablets however, there were no remains.
I was about to get a dustpan and brush, when suddenly, from out of nowhere, I was attacked!
Arthur had launched a direct hit on the back of my head and as I tried to stand up, he knocked me straight back down again.
I called his name in a rather louder voice than normal, and next I knew he'd launched himself at me yet again, this time leaping up and knocking me backwards with a hit from all four tiny paws before carrying on by leaping onto the bar, onto a bar stool, on to a table, and then zooming off in the direction of the kitchen.
All was quiet as I steadied myself but then I heard the patter of tiny paws hurtling towards me once more. This time I was ready for the little ~~sod~~ sweetheart, and as he leapt up towards me I caught him and tried to calm him down.
Big mistake, as he decided that this was a Fun Game, and began barking at me whilst trying to lick my face.
It was then that my friend came downstairs having heard strange noises and Arthur barking, to find me holding Arthur at arm's length as he wriggled and barked like a lunatic.
As soon as Arthur saw his human, he wriggled with all his might and I lost my grip on him, and off he zoomed around the pub, launching himself off the walls and furniture as he went.
I showed my friend the shredded wrapper, and turned out that the packet had been unopened before Arthur stole it. He'd eaten a whole packet of glucose energy tablets with extra Guarana extract, one of which was enough to keep a human awake for several hours.
Twelve of the tablets inside a small dog was enough to keep it awake for almost a week.
Of course, my friend checked with the vet, and was assured that although Arthur was going to be rather bouncier than normal, he'd be fine once the tablets got out of his system, but neither my friend nor Arthur got much spleep for the next few days.
And Arthur never stole strange sweeties again.
Which was good.

2010-02-24T14:10:00.004Z

Wednesday is upon us once more, which means it's time to get down and dirty with this week's Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, woohoo!

This week's photo is -

There's a toffee going for every entry, and a walnut whip available should anyone get me to an ever increasingly elusive, 69.

So without further preamble,

Get

Stuck

In!

PS. If you haven't already voted for this week's Choose-O (which is on Thursday this week) please scroll down to yesterday's post and cast your Vote-O, akay?

2010-02-23T16:22:00.002Z

Once again, sorry about the recent lack of posting, but my brain decided to take a holiday without giving me prior notice.

Also, nothing exciting has happened round these 'ere parts either, but I have had some very interesting dreams whilst nestling in my pit.
One in particular has got me thinking a lot. It's a recurring dream wherein I'm on a cruise liner that makes the Titanic seem like a child's toy in comparison. This liner is absolutely massive; it would take a week to explore the whole thing and as well as the usual dining rooms, bars and swimming pools, has a real, living park slap bang in the middle of it.
Now normally I'd like to have a dream about being on a massive, super-luxurious cruiser, but this trip isn't much fun as somehow, one-by-one, the other passengers are struck down by this bizarre disease that renders them insane as their bodies start to rot, and the dream turns into a nightmare in which I'm stuck on board a floating island inhabited by decomposing psychopaths.
Woo, and indeed hoo!
This dream/nightmare is not only recurring, but incredibly vivid - every time all the rooms are the same, and I could draw a plan of the boat with my eyes closed it's getting so familiar. Oh, and not only am I stuck on this boat, but there's been a disaster and most of the earth is flooded, so even if I did manage to get off the bloody thing, there's hardly anywhere to get to if I did.
Thinking about it, maybe having this dream nearly every night and spend the majority of my night running away from 'not yet dead, but nearly' zombies and scavenging for weapons and food with the few remaining other passengers who aren't fruitloop with bits of them falling off, is why I'm so tired when I wake up? It certainly feels very real while I'm aspleep, and I know that I've started spleep-walking again*, so instead of getting the rest I need, I'm still 'awake' and walking about the house instead.
Hmmm...
Maybe I should try staying awake more so that I can get some rest. Also, I think I should start wearing pyjamas again, just in case I wander off out of the house once more!

Anyhoo, as I missed yesterday's Choose-O, I'm going to give you some choices for Thursday's entertainment, and your options are -

Speech
Crack
Thief

As always choose wisely, and remember that the title of the tale may or may not have anything to do with the content, or at least, not in the way you'd be thinking it would.
Also, while you're down there, please tell me all about what's been happening to you since the last post. You know I like to live vicariously.

*Waking up downstairs wearing only a t-shirt and knickers at 5.30am in the freezing cold and dark and holding a poker, is a clue.

2010-02-17T16:38:00.002Z

Well, another week, another Wednesday, which means that it's time for another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, yay!

I'm sure you're all champing at the bit to get stuck in, so without further delay, your photo is -

Your reward? A delicious marshmallow for every entry, and a mug of lovely hot chocolate available should anyone get me to a 69!

So... Over to you then.

Have at it!

2010-02-16T18:26:00.002Z

Scary.

Lots of years ago when I was about fourteen years old, my mother caught laryngitis and couldn't whisper, let alone talk.
I'm now going to change the topic entirely, but the above is important to the story, akay?

One night during the summer holidays I was in bed late at night and watching a very scary film called 'The Haunting', the original 1963 version, not the rehashed version that came out a few years ago, which I can't even remember who starred in.
Anyways, this film is one of the few that have made me feel scared; the sort of scared that makes you realize that you've been holding your breath only when you suddenly gasp for air when a loud 'bang' or 'thump' gets your attention.
I was about half-way through the film and had got to a seriously scary bit that had me pulling the duvet up so that I could hide, when I heard another noise, but not from the telly, this noise came from outside.
I turned the volume down so that I could listen more carefully and yet again I heard the noise.
It was a scream of sorts, but it didn't sound quite human... It might have been a baby's cry, or then again, it could have been an animal; to me it sounded like a tortured soul, or possibly a banshee, as after sitting through nearly an hour of seriously scary film, I was a tad edgy to say the least.
The noise continued, and fighting the urge to hide under the duvet, I steadied my nerves and went from my bedroom to the landing in order to have a look out of the window onto the garden so that I might find out the source of the howling.
The rest of the house was in darkness as I opened the window and leaned out...
I strained my ears trying to suss out where the noise was coming from and had almost figured it out when suddenly the window in the bathroom (which was right nest to where I was on the landing) slammed making the curtain billow out!
I screamed, and screamed and the screamed again just to emphasize the point!
The dogs awoke and joined in by barking, the student that was staying in the guest room woke up and yelled out in panic, lights went on in neighbours houses, and I was about to scream some more when I realized what had happened.
Being dark, I hadn't noticed my mother standing by the window in the bathroom. She had also heard the noise and gone to investigate, and not being able to talk hadn't been able to let me know she was there.
It took a long while before any of us were able to get back to spleep, and I still get jittery whenever I watch The Haunting.

2010-02-15T17:52:00.002Z

Well, I am pleased to announce that yesterday broke a record for me, as I received absolutely no Valentine's whatsoever. There wasn't even the hint of a card anywhere, and the chocolate was most conspicuous by its absence.
Still, I had a great larf reading the wonderful 'pomes' what you lot wrote for me, and a good friend of mine sent me a lovely pressie, which wasn't a Valentine, but was very useful indeedy.

Anyway, while I have your attention, I would like you to choose tomorrow's entertainment from the following -

Speech
Scary

and also tell me all about your weekends; did you get any Valentines? Go for a romantic meal anywhere? Or possibly you got a card from a secret admirer!
If so, tell me all about it, your secrets are as ever, safe with me!

2010-02-12T17:44:00.005Z

Following on in the same thread of yesterday's topic, I have a favour to ask you lot.

As well as listing those phrases and expressions that really ~~piss you off~~ annoy you, please would you be so kind as to list as many adages, maxims, proverbs or sayings as you can remember; like 'People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' and 'Red sky at night, Shepherd's delight' etc, etc.
There is a reason for this which I will reveal next week, so please humour me, akay?

Also, as one of the most awful days of the year* is looming upon us, tell me about the worst Valentine's card or present you've ever recieved, or the most terrible Valentine's date you've ever been on.
And if you don't have any tales of that ilk to impart, why not think up the 'Worst Possible Message To Get In A Valentine Card' that you can.
Such as -

'Roses are red, violets are blue, I know where you live and I'm coming for you with a machete'
or
'Dearest Valentine, I love you, but I've just discovered that I've got genital herpes. Please pass this message on to anyone you've slept with in the last five years so that they can get tested as well. Kiss, kiss, from ?'

And so on and so forth.

And don't forget to have a fabulous weekend, and don't do anything I would, akay?

*Hallmark Day, previously known as Valentine's Day.

2010-02-11T13:24:00.002Z

Recently I've noticed something that's begining to seriously annoy me.

Everywhere I go I hear it; on television, on radio, on buses and trains, in the pub, just walking along the road, it haunts me.

It must be new. Either that or I never noticed it before, but now it's ubiquitous, and it's driving me up the bloody wall!

It's people using the expression 'At The End Of The Day'.

I'm not making this up, and neither am I imagining it - I hear it at least ten times a day, usually more, and I swear I'm going to start screaming at people before too long if they say it too near me.

I mean why? Why are so many folk using this particular expression? Has it suddenly become trendy, or has it simply seeped into the subconsciousness of the populace in general?

Listen out for it yourself, I'll bet you you'll hear it everywhere from now on, and when you start frothing at the mouth you'll know it's time to join me in the campaign to stop this inane expression and throw perpetrators into the nearest scorpion pit.

Trust me, it must be stopped, and stopped NOW!

Oh, and are there any expressions that make you want to thump people whenever you hear the words? If so, please share, while I go find some more scorpions, akay?

2010-02-10T00:24:00.003Z

Another week, another few days without electrickery and intermanet connection, but hopefully I'll be making it up to you with the photo that I've just tracked down on teh intermanet for this week's Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, yeeeehah!

Yep, I reckon that this Wednesday's picture is seriously going to give your noggin's a serious workout; one that after some perusal will ensure you some delectation and delight, and also hopefully enough incentive for a load of comments, maybe even enough to get me a delicious and long awaited 69!

But then again, perhaps not.

Anyway, this is the photo -

There's a Sacramental Wafer available for every comment left, and a sip of the Blood of Christ going should anyone be lucky enough to get me to a 69.

So, what are you waiting for?

Get.

Stuck.

In.

PS. I'm booked on the 17:53 from Paddington to Hell if anyone wants to join me.

2010-02-05T16:17:00.003Z

Egads. Friday already, and my brain's still on the blink, but I have thought up a little something to get your brains into for the weekend, being another question.

If you could have a Super Power, what would it be and how would you use it?

Personally, I'd go for being Omnilingual, then I'd be able to understand every language on the planet, and if anyone tried to talk about me thinking I wouldn't understand, I'd soon put them straight.
Also, Mata Hari eat'cha heart out! She'd be nothing compared to how I'd use my talents!
And, just think how much I could earn as a translator!

So, over to you, and I wish you all the very bestest for the weekend ahead.

Tootles,

2010-02-02T15:32:00.002Z

Greetings my little chickadees! And first of all, sorry about the lack of post yesterday, only I had serious back problems, as in I couldn't get out of bed. After about 48 hours without getting any spleep, I finally nodded off in the early hours of Monday, and next I knew it was the late hours of Monday. I got up and had something to eat, then went back to bed with a fresh hot water bottle and as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out for the count until 11am today. I think I either needed to seriously catch up on missed spleep, or a Tsetse attacked me.
Anyway, I'm bright-eyed and bushy tailed now, so seeing as I promised on Friday that I would, I shall regale you with a tale about something very embarrassing that happened to me a while back.

I'd just got back from Germany and had landed at Stanstead airport. The Ex-Partner-In-Crime said that he'd wait for me in nearby Bishop's Stortford* and to call him when I landed and he'd come and collect me from the airport.
So I called him and told him that I'd yet to get my luggage from the carousel, and that I'd wait for him outside.
Luckily, my luggage had been on the same flight as me and after I'd hauled it off the carousel and made my way to the outside world.
I realized that the outside of the airport was a fairly large area and was wondering where the best place to wait for the EPIC to stop for me, when an airport worker came up and asked if he could help me at all.
Without thinking I relied that I was just wondering where the best place to get picked up was, and it was only when the chap gave me a very amused grin, did I realize what I'd said.
I fluffed my way through an explanation of what I'd meant to say, and the chap (still grinning his head off) said that the best place was just past a crossing by some flags that could be seen from far away, and thanking him I grabbed my suitcase and scurried off as fast as I possibly could.
I really should remember to think before saying things, but sometimes there's just not enough time.

*Which is somewhere.

2010-01-29T15:25:00.002Z

I'm very, very, busy today, so I've decided to let you lot do the entertaining for a while and tell me what's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?

I promise I'll tell you mine as soon as I get a chance to stop and write it, honest!

Oh, and if you're too shy to reveal all, here's a quick Spot The Difference competition for you -

Have a fabulous weekend if at all possible, akay?

ttfn,

2010-01-28T16:43:00.006Z

Saucy.

Regular readers will know that lots of moons ago I worked in a hotel in Switzerland.
It was a good job; pay was excellent, as was the accommodation and locale, and the rest of the staff were mostly a good laugh as well.
Anyway, my job was mainly waitressing. I say 'mainly' as from time-to-time I'd be called on to help out with getting a room ready for guests, or helping get the laundry ready for a wedding or something, but as I said, mainly waitressing.
Now, the menu would stay the same most of the year, but as the seasons changed different dishes would be added, as would the occasional new dish to see if it would go down well with the customers.
One lovely spring day, the boss and chef had decided to try out a separate Italian menu to see if there was enough interest to make the dishes a permanent fixture and the chef had informed the rest of the kitchen staff what the plans were, but not to put the Italian menus out while he wasn't there, as he was the only one who knew how to make the food and until he had time to teach them how to as well, the menus weren't available to the public.
It's at this point in the tale that it's important to mention that the staff comprized of quite a few different nationalities, and that the majority of the kitchen staff were from Albania, and their German was not very good except when it came to the basics needed to work in a kitchen, and although the staff had smiled and nodded, they didn't understand WTF the chef had told them.
That lovely spring day, I was working alone in the bar and restaurant as being a very quiet day during the very quiet season, not many customers were expected.
The only staff in the kitchen were the Albanian sous chef and one Albanian kitchen helper, and though the sous chef could speak good German and English, the kitchen helper didn't even know how to order a beer in the local lingo.
I'd was busy cleaning the shelves behind the bar when the local priest came in with a couple of friends. The local priest was a very much respected man in the area, and the locals treated him with an ages old reverence, specially reserved for men of the cloth. Whatever the priest wanted, the village folk would try and get or do for him, and a visit from him was an honour for the local pub, inn-keepers and restaurant owners.
He was also a really nice bloke, and it was a pleasure to have him around in the hotel.
I got their drinks and left them with the regular menus, and was most surprized when I went to get their orders and heard that the priest wanted to try the Spaghetti Carbonara.
I reckoned that the chef must have shown the sous chef how to make the Italian meals, and so took the order and passed in onto him in the kitchen
A few seconds later I heard the sous chef give a sort of muffled scream and I went to investigate.
Turned out that he hadn't a clue how to make Spaghetti Carbonara, and that the kitchen helper had put the Italian menus in with the regular menus as he was trying to help.
Now the sous chef and kitchen helper were very religious and were not going to upset the 'Man of God' and didn't want to tell him that he couldn't have his Spaghetti Carbonara.
Almost in tears, they both turned to me for advice on what to do next and being the mug I sometimes am, I said 'Don't panic, I know how to cook it' before telling them what ingredients I needed.
Ten minutes later I'd cooked up a Carbonara sauce the Pope would have liked and served up the meals to the Priest and his friends.
The priest loved it.
He loved it so much that he asked me to pass on his compliments to the 'chef' before deciding to order yet another portion to share with his friends.
Off into the kitchen I went once more, and had nearly finished when I heard another group of customers come in and sit next to the priest and his friends.
While the new customers perused the menus I took out the second dish of Spaghetti Carbonara and three sets of cutlery to the priest and chums.
The priest raved over the food and when the customers at the next table asked him what he was eating, he told them and said it was so good they really must try it.
I ended up cooking about twenty portions of Spaghetti Carbonara that afternoon while the sous chef and kitchen assistant scurried around me prepping whatever they could and clearing up behind me, whilst still carrying out my usual duties of running around in the restaurant waiting on the customers.
The customers also sent their compliments to 'the chef' and the sous chef smiled wanly and gratefully as I passed the message on.
It was when the chef got back we realized that as my recipe for Carbonara sauce was such a hit and folks would be coming back for more, I had to show the chef and the rest of the kitchen staff how to prepare my recipe.
As far as I know, it's still being served at that hotel in Switzerland, but it's rather a long way to go to find out.

Additional. Seeing as somehow my old Haloscan comments have been reinstated when the Echo comments got sorted, I've taken out the Blogger comments, which means that now I just have the one set of easy to use ones, and all the comments from over the years are also back for posterity, yay!

2010-01-27T00:32:00.005Z

I know, it's Wednesday and I missed yesterday's post.
I won't bore you with the details; suffice to say that a combination of people being late, two unexpected things happening that I didn't want to happen and my 'puter throwing yet another hissy fit means that yesterday's Choose-O winner will now be posted tomorrow rather than yesterday, unless of course I manage to get enough Triple A batteries and duck tape sorted so that I can get my Time Machine working again, that is.

But anyway, tis Wednesday now, and that means it's time for yet another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, huzzah!
This week's picture is another photo taken by my own fair paw, and is also one that cost me a whole Euro to take, and this is it -

And I will leave you for now with a little anecdote from a couple of days ago relating a conversation I had with my friend, Mr de Sade, whilst we were watching television.

The scene - an advertisment is being shown on television. Mr de Sade and I are watching.
Mr de Sade: "What did that caption say?"
Me: "Should have gone to Specsavers"
Mr de Sade: "Haha, yes, I know. I'm blind as a bat without my glasses, but stop taking the pish and tell me what the caption says!"
Me: "Should have gone to Specsavers"
Mr de Sade: "Well bolox to you then, don't tell me!"

And on that note, over to you.
There's a Gummi Bear going for every comment left, and a delicious Lollipop available should anybody get me to an increasingly elusive 69.

*'Donation' fee, not obligatory, and they were so nice when they talked to Fuzzy I didn't begrudge them the cash one iota!

2010-01-25T13:08:00.002Z

5... 4... 3... 2... 1. We have normality*
I'm back into the usual routine again, although I'm still swearing in German, and as it's Monday, it's time for this week's Choose-O, rah!

Your options for tomorrow's entertainment are -

Scary
Speech
Saucy

Oh, and before I trundle over to my Flickr page to upload some more piccies, I've an amusing anecdote to regale you with.

When I got to Stanstead Airport upon my arrival back from Deutschland last week, I called the Ex-partner-in-crime who was lurking in Bishop's Stortford** and waiting to give me a lift back. I told him that I was just waiting for my suitcase so I wouldn't be long and would be waiting for him outside the airport.
I found my suitcase and went outside and was looking around wondering where the best place to wait was when a male airport employee came up to me and asked if he could help at all.
I replied "Oh, I'm just wondering where the best place to get picked up would be" before adding that I'd just realized what I'd said and turning a rather nice shade of red.
He did smile a lot before pointing out that if I waited by some nearby flags that my friend would be able to spot them easily.
I really must remember to think first, then talk in future.

Anyway, how were your weekends?

*Or whatever counts for 'normality' round these here parts.
**Which is somewhere.

2010-01-22T19:17:00.003Z

I'm still on German time and have yet to mentally switch the subtitles off, but as I missed last Double Entendre Day's Caption Competition I've decided to upload one of the many, many piccies I took on my travels and leave you to add comments and captions if you so desire.
I'm also uploading this as C'riz commented on my previous post that unless he could see a photo with Ducks in Berlin, he wouldn't believe I was there, so 'nyer-nyer, and yes I was!' akay, C'riz?
Here's the photo -

Have a fab weekend everybody, and please keep an eye on my Flickr if you're interested in more photos!

2010-01-21T15:56:00.002Z

Hallo meine Lieblinge, I'm haus wieder!

Yep, I'm back from Deutschland safe and sound, and am pleased to report that I had an absolutely fabulous time over there, rah!
As well as getting to meet my 'new'* niece and nephew** for the first time, I met up with my aunt and uncle, and both cousins and their spouses for the first time in yonks, and caught up on all that's been happening since the last time over some most excellent German beers!
I stayed for most of the trip in Hannover, but on Monday I went to visit Berlin for the first time!
It's a city I've always wanted to see and as my cousin-in-law (my eldest cousin's husband) had a spare ticket for the train journey, Fuzzy Duck*** and I got up early and off we went.
Armed with a map and day ticket for the trains and buses, I set off to explore as much of Berlin as I could in the five hours that I had. I spent most of the time walking around taking photos of anything and everything, starting at the Hauptbahnhof, walking past the Brandenburg Gate and along Unter Den Linden, before catching a bus to the Zoo area**** and back where I found a great little restaurant where we stopped for a Currywurst and a couple of glasses of the local brew.
I ordered as much of the meal in German (I wanted to practise words other than the swears I now) and got what I wanted so I must have said the right things.
When my meal arrived, a couple came in and sat at a table at the other side of the room. When they began talking I realized that the bloke was from England and they nattered away in English.
About five minutes later another couple came in, and yet again the bloke was from England and they both spoke to each other in English as well.
When it was time to go, the waitress said goodbye to me and I replied the same before saying 'This is really weird. I come all the way to Berlin and everyone's speaking English - what are the odds?' which raised a laugh with both couples and the waitress.
Anyway, I'm starting to waffle and although loads of things happened and I had a brilliant time, it would take far too long to relate everything and I don't think any of you would really be interested with what happened over dinner every day and what taking the dog for a walk was like, so I shall sign off for now and get back to sorting out the five hundred or so photos that I took while there, which will be far more interesting than me whiffling on about 'What I Did On My Holiday' for ages.
So... yes. That's about it.
More importantly, how are you lot doing and did I miss anything exciting while I was gone?
Tell me everything, or I'll set Fuzzy Duck on to you.

*They're both two and a half years old, but they're 'new' to me.
**I didn't think I was going to get to meet him, but I did, yay!
***Visits to strange places are always better and more fun if you have a friend with you.
****I resisted the urge to put up a sign saying 'Please Do Not Eat The Animals'

2010-01-15T00:36:00.002Z

And so, as is the way of the world, once again 'tis Friday, although for me, this Friday takes me rather more than a tiny bit out of my usual routine.
The reason for this change, is that I am going to Germany for a week to visit my wonderful family, most of whom I haven't seen for about three years, and I have a darling little niece* aged two and a half, who I've never met before, ever!
As I type, I think I've got everything I need packed in my suitcase or hand luggage. I know exactly where my passport is, and I've got my flight details printed out and stuffed in the handbag next to it.
I'm very excited, and it's nearly 01:00 hours, and I have to be up at 07:00 hours so that I can get any last minute things thrown in my suitcase, get showered and dressed, have coffee (if possible) and get to the airport (Stanstead, providing it's open and the roads are clear) by 10:00 hours.

And I won't be back until next Thursday...

But I should be able to get to a 'puter from time-to-time, and if I can, I'll keep you all up to speed as to how I'm doing.
If anyone's interested that is.

Anyhoo, I shall leave you with a photo of yet another sweet li'l kitten for you to LOL up in the meantime.

ttfn, my darlings - play nice while I'm away or there'll be trouble when I get back, akay?

*I'm an only child, sp my fabulous cousins said I can be official 'Auntie' to their children, yay!**
**All the fun of playing with them and spoiling them rotten whenever I get the chance to see them, but far too far away to be considered for regular babysitting duties, double yay!

2010-01-13T08:04:00.002Z

I've just realized that I've been doing these Double Entendre Day Caption Competitions for almost five years now.

That means that I have trawled the intermanet roughly two hundred and forty times in order to find you a weird and wonderful photo to tickle your grey matter and get you leaving witty and ~~rude~~ risqué comments in the hope that I'll get my box thoroughly stuffed, and shagged out after getting a delicious 69.

I'm writing this post at 08:20 hours after getting about three hours spleep and I'm not sure what I'm waffling on about, so I will simply leave you with photo number two hundred and forty one* and leave you lot to get on with the interesting, witty and erudite stuff, akay?

Here's today's picture -

You know what to do, so over to you once more.
There's a marshmallow going for every entry, and should anybody get me to an ever elusive 69, I'll toast it for them.

Have at it!

*Approximately.

2010-01-12T15:26:00.002Z

Shooter.

Some moons ago on a fine Summer's day, I was out and about in my first car, Turpin.*
The weather was very warm indeed and all about people were starting to look red and flustered as many Brits tend to do when the temperature reaches above the 20c mark.
I had my windows rolled down to get a breeze going and was enjoying the drive until I hit traffic** and my average speed went from 25mph to about 3mph before coming to a halt for a while.
Eventually the traffic started moving again and the reason for the jam became clear.
I was heading towards Ealing Common and was nearing the junction with the North Circular road, and the main set of traffic lights had decided to stop working, but fortunately, someone with a bit of nous had got a policeman out to control the traffic.
As I waited to crawl forwards a few more feet, I watched the policeman. He was rather cute and I was daydreaming about [DELETED] when at last it was my turn to wait at the lights. The policeman was doing a fine job of getting the traffic moving and as I waited at the head of the queue to move on, I had a fine view of him as he waved the cars on the North Circular on their way.
But then, as all good things always come to an end, he stopped the traffic and it was my turn to go on.
He waved me and the traffic behind me on our way, and as I drew closer to him I smiled, and noticed that he was smiling back at me.
What he didn't notice was the Police van full of police that was heading towards him from the other direction.
I however, did notice it and was rather surprized to also notice that all the police on the driver's side of the van had their windows open and that the police inside were all holding toy guns.
As if in slow motion, we drew level with the policeman stood in the middle of the road and my smile must have faltered to a split second as I realized what the police in the van were going to do, and as the policeman noticed my expression, he turned to follow my gaze...

He was met with a volley of perfectly aimed shots from a dozen or so very full water pistols.
The poor guy was drenched, and as my window was open I also got splashed a bit as I drove past.
I couldn't stop laughing.
I thought about stopping as I got to the other side of the junction, but checking my rear-view mirror I decided not to as all I could do was giggle at the sight of the very wet policeman who had stopped waving at the traffic and was instead waving his fist at the back of the police van as it headed off carrying the miscreants away from the scene of the 'crime'.
I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the policeman got back to the station to have a word with his colleagues.
And if that policeman happens to be reading this, you looked very cute in your wet shirt.

*A gold star for the first person who knows why I called it Turpin.
**Not literally.

2010-01-11T16:59:00.002Z

Well, I still haven't figured out how to get the Echo comments working how I want them to, but that's life I suppose.
If anyone has any suggestions, please share, as I'm stumped.

Other than that, life's been quiet here. It's still slippery underpaw outside so I've spent most of my time hiding under my duvet where it's safe and warm; hibernation is becoming a serious idea! I love the snow, but hate it when it turns to mush and ice which turns a simple trip to the shops into a half hour trek across scary terrain. I walked past a bus-stop the other day, and nearly lost my footing on a particularly sneaky patch of ice causing me to perform a sort of rapid, soft-shoe shuffle whilst wind-milling my arms around until I got my balance back.
Mind you, I did get a round of applause from the people waiting for the bus. With hindsight I should have put a hat on the ground; I might have earned a few pennies.
But that was nowhere near as much fun as the fight I witnessed on the way back. A group of young chaps were messing about and suddenly it turned rather nasty with one bloke screaming and threatening one of the others. The fight stopped when he went to kick the other bloke causing him to skid on one leg for about six feet before falling smack on his arse and slithering along the road for another ten or so feet.
I tried not to laugh, honest.

Anyhoo, as it's Monday it's time for another Choose-O, and your options for this week's entertainment are -

Speech
Scary
Shooter

Go safely, watch out for icy patches, and if you do happen to fall over, pretend you meant to do so.
Oh, and don't forget to tell me all about your lives while you're down there, akay?

ttfn!

2010-01-07T15:54:00.002Z

The eagle-eyed among you might have noticed that I now have Echo comments installed! This is thanks to the lovely Scaryduck who once again fiddled about with my HTML until it got sorted, so a big round of applause and three cheers to the Duckuss is you please!

Once I've figured out how to use the Echo comments, I'll be taking out the Blogger comments and am hoping that I'll be able to import all the old and fabulous comments that you've all left over the years; Echo says it's possible to do so, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they're not lying!

So... that's about it for news. Oh, except that that my ulcer is healing up very nicely and I no longer have to wear a bandage round my ankle, but have a dinky micropore-dressing stuck over it instead.

I'm going to play about with Echo now, so I'll leave you with another photo of a cute kitten for you to LOL up if you so desire.

Enjoy!

2010-01-06T03:43:00.003Z

Woo! Rah! And also, Yay!

Thanks to a certain Duck fiddling around with my bits*, I now have comments again, hurrah!
The only downside is that they're of the Blogger variety and not the new, super-whizzy other sort that costs $10 per annum bit allows you to import all your old comments, but at least I have comments again, w00t!

And other than not being able to get online again yesterday**, I think everything is working again so it should be back to normality, for a while at least.

And as everything is back to the usual routine once again, as it's Wednesday it's time for the Double Entendre Day Caption Competition again, and your photo for today's delectation and delight is -

I hope it ticks some boxes and gets all your grey matter working as it's the first one of the New Year and I'd love it if I got a 69.

There's a selection of left over party snacks going for every comment, and a glass of slightly flat bubbly available should I get me an ever-more elusive soixante-neuf!

So my preciouses, have at it and give my box a thorough stuffing!

On yer marks,

Set...

Go!

*The HTML variety on my Blog settings.
**Wrong sort of snow on the phone lines or something.

2010-01-04T13:27:00.003Z

So, a New Year and already I am beset with problems.

For some reason, Haloscan has stopped doing free comments. They sent me an email saying that I can get a new service for $9.95 a year, but as I don't have a credit card, that don't help me much.

I've managed to save all my old comments in a folder, and tried to enable Blogger comments, but for some weird reason the comments won't show on my Blog.

If anyone can help, please email me, if not - Please stand by for further developments.

In the meantime, here's another picture of a kitten being adorable.

Enjoy.

2009-12-31T15:37:00.002Z

To all you lovely readers out there!

May 2010 bring you everything you wish for and then some!

Take care of yourselves, party on, and see you again next year!

Love and hugs,

2009-12-30T15:46:00.002Z

Ye Gods, the time has just flown by recently!

Last I remember it was Christmas, then there were a few days of blurryness when I had to think as to what day of the week it was, then today I look at the calendar and realize that it's a Wednesday, which means it's time for another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, your photo for which is* -

And also, it's the last Caption Competition of the year, so if any of you are still out there, give it all you've got and then some, akay?

There's a selection of party canapes for every entry and a glass of bubbly going should anybody get me to a 69!

So, for the last time in '09, over to you!

*Taken by my own, fair paw, btw.

2009-12-24T01:17:00.002Z

Sneaky. A Tale of Crimble Mirth and Woe.

Lots of moons ago I had two of the bestest ever dogs in the world.
Shebie was a Borderline Collie that my parents and I were supposed to only be looking after for a couple of weeks until another family took her in, (She stayed with us until she passed away at the ripe old age of 16 and was always under threat of 'You do that again and we'll send you to live with someone else! We mean it!) and Chips, who was a Staffordshire Bull Labrador, and was a soppy as a kitten on Prozac until someone tried to hurt me or anyone else he loved.
They were excellent dogs. Very well trained, and extremely polite; the sort of dogs that didn't need to be on a lead as all it took for them to behave was a verbal or physical command from me and they'd be at heel or sitting down as soon as you could say 'Sit' or whatever.
Anyway. Both dogs loved Christmas time. They knew something special was happening as soon as the Advent Ring was first lit and by the time the tree was up and the pressies were placed underneath, they were both in a state of anticipation for the Day itself.
Now, as I said, both dogs were extremely well trained. Neither of them were the sort to try stealing food or sneaking treats as they knew that was 'Wrong', and my parents and I were safe in the knowledge that we could leave things lying about without them being eaten, chewed or stolen.
Until one day.
The day before Christmas Eve.
The tree was already up in the front room, placed just in the entrance so that when the lights were lit on the tree, all you could see in the doorway was the tree and the presents underneath it.
I'd finished all my shopping about four days previous, and amongst the gifts I'd bought were the pressies for Shebie and Chips.
The parcels were almost identical; a selection of chewy bones and rawhide treats per hound, and also an individually wrapped squeaky ball for each. A pink one for Shebie and a blue one for Chips.
The day before Christmas Eve, both my parents were at home while I was still at work.
All was peaceful in the house; my mother had been upstairs watching TV and my dad had been pottering in the garden until they both met in the kitchen to discuss what to do about dinner that night.
While they were talking they both became aware of a strange, sort of snuffly noise coming from the front room.
They ignored it for a little while until the sniffling became rather louder and was accompanied by a quiet squeak every now and then.
Intrigued, they went to the front room (where the noises were coming from) to see what was the cause, only to find Chips sniffing through the pile of pressies.
He was totally unaware that he was being watched, and so he carried on rifling through each gift, carefully giving each one a sniff and a very gentle squeeze until he found the one that smelled and sounded right.
He then proceeded to very, very carefully nibble a hole in the wrapping paper that was just big enough for him to extract the ball before taking the ball out and taking it into the dining room where he thought he wouldn't be overheard before ripping out the 'squeaker' and killing it to death.
He did the sneaky deed so quietly and carefully that my parents could only laugh, and when he'd finished the look of total innocence he gave them saved him from a telling off.
I wasn't too happy about having to try and find another identical squeaky ball to wrap the next day as I did (and still do!) loathe shopping on Christmas Eve, but Chips planned the whole sneaky trick so very well I couldn't be angry with him either.
I miss the sound of presents under the tree being snuffled to this day...

2009-12-23T01:14:00.004Z

And once again it's Double Entendre Day, but today's DED is one with a festive theme, seeing as it's nearly Christmas.

So I want you all to give it your all and give my box a jolly good stuffing!

Your photo for today's Caption Competition is -

There's a mince pie for every entry and a glass of sherry going should I get a 69!

So get in there, and give it all you've got!

Ho ho ho, everybody!

2009-12-22T13:27:00.004Z

Oops

Most readers here will know that years ago I got a job as a Fairy helping Santa in a Grotto in Ealing.
I really loved the job. Apart from some of the children and parents most of the folk coming to see Santa were cheery and polite, and seeing the look of amazement on the little one's faces when they met Santa was heart-warming. It wasn't so heart-warming when they threw temper tantrums or ran away screaming, but it did give me a giggle now and again.
Another thing I loved about the job was that I got to dress up in a fabulous costume for the whole day. As well as the whole fairy ensemble I wore a very blonde, curly wig accented with glitter, and I made sure my make up was perfect without a speck of glitter out of place.
I didn't go to work on the bus in my attire but got changed in the offices of the shopping centre which meant that I had to walk from the offices, past a bar/restaurant, then past the library and down the stairs, and past some shops to get to the Grotto. Usually Santa would walk to the Grotto with me and our short walk would sometimes take a long time as nearly everyone that saw us waved and smiled and wanted to say hello.
Even when I was on my own people would wave and smile, especially those in the bar/restaurant as the front of the place was one huge window and seeing a fairy walking past wasn't an everyday occurrence for a lot of people.
After a while I became a bit of a local celebrity. I was interviewed by the local papers and also by a cassette newspaper for the blind, and some children came along just to meet the fairy.
Also, for some strange reason, a lot of grown up men came along wanting to meet the fairy as well, much to the amusement of Santa and the Pixie who worked with us.
As the bar/restaurant was right next to the offices, Santa and I would occasionally pop in for lunch wearing our work clothes and one of the staff there drew a portrait of us in chalks with a sign saying that the place was Santa and Fairy approved, and that led to even more attention whenever I walked past.
By the time Christmas Eve was drawing close I was in the habit of waving and smiling whenever I walked passed as I knew people would be waving and smiling as soon as they saw me.
But one day I made a right idiot of myself.
I'd finished work and had changed back into my regular jeans, jumper, warm coat and hat to cover my hair which was always a mess after wearing the wig all day and also remembered to take off my make up*.
As per usual I waved and smiled at the people in the bar/restaurant and was confused when none of them waved back, but instead stared at me as if I was a raving loony-tune.
I tried smiling and waving again to try and reassure them that I wasn't and it was only when I heard a small child ask it's mother why the funny lady was waving at them did I realize that I was off duty, and did indeed look like someone with a social problem.
Luckily, none of the staff recognized me without the outfit, or at least if they did, they didn't let on.
I made sure I only waved when I had my wings on after that.

*One day I forgot, was waiting for a train which was delayed yet again, and asked a station porter why the train was late for the fifth time that week and wondered why he was staring at me in astonishment. It was only when he said "You're all shiny and sparkly" did I remember.

2009-12-21T12:17:00.004Z

It's not just a Monday here in a small corner of W7, it's the shortest day and the longest night so I would like to wish you all a

May you find peace, happiness and anything else you want in life!

Also, your Choose-O options for today are -

Sneaky
Merry
Oops

Choose wisely my cherubs, have a wonderful day, and don't forget to make a wish at midnight, akay?

2009-12-18T15:32:00.005Z

Friday again, and only seven days left 'til Christmas*, woohoo!

So getting into the Festive Theme, I've decided to play another 'How Many Uses Can You Think Of For An Everyday Household Item?' and your item to think about is -

A length of tinsel.

I'll get you started with my ideas which are -

A lasso
A festive dog lead
A sparkly boa
A whip
To play tug of war with
To tie someone up with

Erm... That's it.

So over to you.

Have fun, and hope you have a fabulous weekend as well!

ttfn,

*Not nine as I previously wrote. In my defence I got confused and thought I had more time to get the house tidy and clean. Arrrrgh!

2009-12-17T15:58:00.003Z

Being ever curious about the world in general, I often spend time sniffing about teh intermanet looking for weird and wonderful stuff to learn about.
As I'm usually only about three feet away from my 'puter during the daytime, if a question pops into my head I will shuffle over to the machine and go to Google to find out if I can get an answer.
As any sort of questions will enter my brain at any given time of day, this is extremely fortuitous as this often saves me from racking my brain until the early hours trying to remember such things as 'What was the name of the dog that was Benji's daughter?' and who the ~~fuck~~ heck is that Mark Jones and why is he in so many posters advertizing Cinderella around Hanwell?'*
One day (if I get the money) I would like to purchase a lap or palmtop so that I can find out answers to questions asked in the pub there and then instead of wombling home, looking it up and heading back to the pub again, but anyway.
Today I found myself curious as to penicillin. I know about who discovered it and how and so, but was wondering if it was possible to make it at home as allI knew about that was that I'd heard an old treatment for wounds and diseases was to dress them in a compress made of bread that had been previously chewed by a young girl and left to hang over running water for three days.
So I typed in 'How to make penicillin at home' and found This Mine of Information
I've hit the mother lode and as long as I don't clean out my fridge will soon be making millions and saving lives at the same time, as if you read the article, so can you!
Don't say you never learn anything by reading my blog, akay?

*I kept asking people I knew but nobody had a scooby, so I Googled the name and found out that he's a children's entertainer. Either that, or he's a footballer who's been dead since 1958. The latter could make Panto very interesting IMO.

2009-12-16T00:25:00.002Z

So. That day of the week again.

Double Entendre Day, Hump Day, Wednesday, whatever you want to call it it can only mean one thing* and that is, it's time for this week's Caption Competition. woohoo!

This week's photo grabbed my attention as when I went to get my dressings changed at the doctors today, the nurse told me that to help the healing process I'm to get plenty of fresh fruit, so here it is -

A delicious pair of plums available for every comment shoved in my box, and there's a huge banana going should someone get me to a 69.

So without further ado,

Get

Stuck

In!

*Well, it means one thing here. Obviously in most other places it means other things. Maybe one day though, when my plans come to fruition the planet will know this day as Double Entendre Day and I will pass a law that states all persons over the age of 18 must ensure they slip a big one to a friend, relative, colleague or police officer at least twice a day or face the consequences. Oh yes, come the day I'll...

I think I'd best stop waffling for now, eh?
ttfn.

2009-12-15T17:59:00.002Z

Fairytale

Quite a few moons ago I got a job as a Christmas Fairy helping Santa in his Grotto.
The Grotto was in the middle of a local shopping centre, on a raised plinth with nothing to hide behind except the sleigh which was big enough to hold three large sacks of the pressies that Santa had to give to Good Children.
It was one of the best jobs I've ever had as apart from having to deal with ~~snot-nosed brats~~ small children, I got to dress up and pretend to be someone else for the day.
Also, the money was pretty good too.
Most day were fairly busy and we didn't get many chances to go feed the raindeer* and some days were seriously hectic, but one afternoon nearing early evening, for some reason there were barely any shoppers in the centre, and the few that were there didn't want to visit Santa, and much less wanted to see me or the pixie that was also on duty.
So, we were bored.
We went to feed the reindeer.
We went to feed the reindeer again.
We played eye-spy for a while before we got even more bored and went to feed the reindeer again in the hope that a queue of people might have appeared by the time we got back.
But they hadn't.
We got very bored.
After about thirty minutes of doing nothing except smiling at the few shoppers as they passed by we decided to open some of the pressies in the sleigh so we could know what the ~~anklebiters~~ little ones were getting as a gift, and to our joy we found a toy aeroplane, a car, a couple of toy soldiers, a small teddy bear and a toy tank and we were soon engrossed in a game that was similar to Risk, but with our own rules, no board and a dice made of blu-tack.
My 'soldier' was the small bear and I got the tank to use to gain land and after twenty or so minutes I'd 'won' the land between the sleigh and the second Christmas tree from the end of the steps and only needed the bit between the third tree and the steps to win, and to get that I needed a six.
To my amazement I threw a six, and jumped up with my tank-bear at the ready to claim the land.
But, Santa decided to be a bad loser and with a cry of 'Oh no you don't!' he gave me a shove towards the sleigh.
The shove was a very gentle shove, but unfortunately I caught my heel on a stray parcel and next thing I knew I toppled backwards into the sleigh.
I wasn't hurt as the parcels broke my fall, but the parcels also took up a lot of space which meant there wasn't a lot of space left for me.
In fact there was just enough space there for me to get well and truly wedged among the parcels and the sides of the sleigh with my legs sticking out of the top.
Santa and the pixie burst into hysterical laughter as I yelled for them to get me out and their laughter set me off into fits of giggles as well.
Of course, it was then that a crowd of people appeared as well as the security guards and some of the shopping centre management head office bods who'd come along to see the Grotto.
What they thought at the sight of Santa and pixie trying not to laugh whilst a pair of legs sticking out from the sleigh cursed them between giggles I have no idea as Santa and Pixie left me stuck there until everyone had gone again, which luckily wasn't very long at all.
After they helped me out I called them some choice names and swore revenge and thought that would be the end of the matter, but alas, it was not to be so.
The whole incident was caught on CCTV and from then until Christmas Eve I had to put up with security guards clapping their hands and shouting 'I do believe in fairies!' whenever they saw me.
I can see the funny side of it now, but if I ever catch up with Santa again, he'd better watch his back.

*Go for a snout break.

2009-12-14T14:22:00.002Z

'ello again!

As always I hope this Monday finds you all bright of eye and bushy of tail, which is how I would be if it weren't for yet another addition to my list of strange and unusual accidents.

Over the years I've been hit on the nose by an exploding tin of treacle, been hit on the head when the accident book at work fell of the shelf and got me, broken a toe simply by walking out of a room and many other wacky incidents that I try to keep well hidden in the depths of my cerebellum in case they resurface to haunt me.
The latest is that I was attacked by a hot water bottle.
Some of you may remember that I recently fell aspleep only to be woken up by a pain on my ankle where I'd left it right up against the hottie-bottle? Well, that resulted in a burn and blister, which although I dressed and tended to with unguents and so, refused to heal properly.
I showed my ex-partner-in-crime and another friend also noticed it and they both nagged me to get to the doctors or hostipal ASAP.
And so on Saturday (as it was hurting a lot) I hobbled to my nearest A&E department where a very nice doctor told me that it wasn't a scab refusing to heal but an ulcer.
Woobloodyhoo.
They let me go after a very kind nurse cleaned and dressed it and I'm now on a course of anti-biotics and have to go back to my GP every few days to get the dressings changed.
Still, I had to thank the EPIC and friend as I prolly wouldn't have gone anywhere near a hostipal until it was much worse.
So, that was my weekend. How were yours?
And while you're down there, don't forget to cast your vote for tomorrow's entertainment, your options for which are -

Speech
Traffic
Fairytale

Remember, the title might have very little to do with what you think the story is about!

2009-12-11T12:37:00.002Z

Today finds me going ever so slightly round the twist.
The reason is that since the end of November I've been hunting Haggii, and so far I haven't seen a single bloody one!
Previous hunts have yielded hundreds of the wee beasties, but this year - none. Zip. Zero. Nada.
If you see any of them, please let me know as there has to be some out there somewhere, surely...

Anyhoo, despite my lack of Haggii, I've been trying to think of something with which to entertain you for the weekend and this has proved as fruitful as my tally of Haggii as I've come up with sweet FA, so today, you can ask me questions instead.
Anything smutty will be ignored, but I will try to answer any other questions as best I can, so...

Over to you then.

Oh, and as I haven't posted one for ages and ages and ages, here's a delightful photo of a kitten.

Please feel free to add a LOLcat style caption while you're down there.

So, ttfn, and have a wonderful weekend if at all possible.

2009-12-09T01:11:00.004Z

What ho, my delicious angel delights! I hope you're all ready to start giving my box a thorough stuffing as I'm gagging for another 69, and I think I have a photo that might just get me there this week!

So without further preamble, your picture for this week's Caption Competition is -
Your rewards? A delicious barley twist for every entry, and a suckable, juicy lollipop available should anyone get me that seemingly ever elusive 69.

So.

You know what to do, so start doing it!

If you don't, I won't get the whip out.

PS. Thanks to C'riz for this week's photo!

2009-12-08T15:21:00.002Z

Woof!

Regular readers here will remember the tales about my first two dogs that I had many years ago, Shebie and Chips.
They were wonderful dogs; very well trained and always polite in public which meant I very rarely ever had to put them on a lead. All they needed was a hand signal or verbal command and they'd do what ever was asked whether it be sit, wait, fetch, or run. The only thing I never managed to get Chips to stop doing was on the occasion a red setter gave him a 'piggy back' in the middle of the nearby children's playground one Summer's day when the place was packed with mummies, daddies and tiny-tots. I disowned him that day as I knew he'd make his own way back when he'd finished and I didn't fancy facing the irate parents or the red setter's owners that much.
Anyway, every day when I got home from school, being the first person home I'd take them across the road to the park, and every day we'd follow the same routine.
Out of the gate I'd ask both dogs to sit and wait until we were sure there was no oncoming traffic, then when it was all clear I'd tell them to cross the road.
The dogs loved this part of the walk as every day the cat that lived across the road would wait for them. When the cat saw them come out of the gate and wait, it would saunter from where ever it was at the time and wait for them by a tall fence surrounding a neighbour's garden.
When I told the dogs to cross the road, they would run to where the cat was waiting, and the cat would taunt them by scurrying up the fence and jeering at them for being too slow.
After a couple of 'We'll get you next time!' barks from Shebie and Chips and some 'Pthrrrps! from the cat, we'd carry on to the park with both parties content in their routines.
One day however I got home early. The dogs were overjoyed to see me and were all eager to go as soon as I'd changed out of my uniform and was ready to go walkies.
We left the house, went out of the gate and as we waited for the all clear I looked to see where the cat was, but there was no sign.
I thought it was odd but I couldn't keep the dogs waiting for long so I told them to cross the road.
They got to where the cat normally waited, but were disappointed to find that it wasn't there and both stopped to see what to do next to which I said 'carry on to the park'.
As we rounded the corner we saw the cat ambling up the road.
As we were early the cat was surprized to see us and the dogs were also caught unawares and without a plan, so they decided to do what comes naturally to dogs upon espying a cat and gave chase.
Before I got a chance to stop them they all legged it along the road at top speed until the cat veered off into some one's garden and came to a stop in the doorway.
The dogs hurtled into the garden right behind the cat which did the usual thing cats do when confronted with dogs and made itself look big.
As the cat puffed itself up and hissed, the dogs back-peddled to a halt about two feet away from it.
The cat continued to hiss as the dogs stared at it in amazement. They'd never been so close to a cat and had never seen one make itself big and didn't know what to do next and so they both looked to me for advice.
Trying not to laugh I called them to heel and sent them on their way to the park which they both did PDQ.
I apologized to the slowly deflating cat as I walked past and it glowered at me in return.
We didn't see the cat for about a week after that and were very happy when the routine settled back to normal again.
The dogs never chased another cat again though, and I didn't blame them either!

2009-12-07T15:37:00.002Z

I've been sitting here by my 'puter for the last half hour trying to think up anything interesting that happened to me over the weekend, but I got nothin'.
The only thing close to exciting was that as the dog who lives at my local* has a habit of leaping over the bar and sometimes knocking people over in the process, I made a sign for the pub which reads 'Warning! Low Flying Dog!'. A customer read the sign and asked what the sign meant, and a split second later he was almost bowled over by a Staffordshire Bull Terrier hurtling towards him. I thought it amusing.

But that's it, so I guess I'll just give you your options for today's Choose-O for tomorrow's entertainment which are -

Speech.
Woof!
Traffic

And while your casting your votes, please tell me about your weekends. I need some vicarious excitement right now.

*No traces of the Polish regime remain, and now they've started doing food which, if the Beef Stew yesterday was anything to go by, is fabulously tasty, yay! Definitely recommended!

2009-12-04T12:59:00.003Z

Hello again my lovelies! I hope you're all ready for another weekend of whatever it is you want to get up to! I certainly am, but then I don't have any plans whatsoever; that way I won't be disappointed if anything goes wrong. Good plan, eh?
I did get a fabulous surprize yesterday though; my cousin and her hubby came to Londinium to visit (which seeing as I only normally get to see them once a year at most was excellent) and not only did they bring me a Playmobil Advent Calendar, but I've been invited to visit them in the New Year, which means I get to see my family again and also meet a 'neice' and 'nephew' that I've never met before, hurrah!
I'm in a very happy mood right now!

But enough about me, I've thought up something for you to getcha thinking caps on for, and it is to think up as many 'Disturbing Things To Hear On An Aeroplane'. For example -

"This is your co-pilot speaking. If you look to the left of the aircraft you will see the captain trying out his new parachute"
"Hi! Seeing as we'll be sitting next to each other for the next six hours, fancy a game of Pass the Parcel?"
"Oh my god, there's something on the wing!"
"Hello, This is your captain speaking. Hold on tight, I'm gonna try looping the loop with this 747!"
"We'll be landing in about thirty minutes. How we're going to manage without brakes is going to be interesting"
"This is your captain speaking. Do any of you believe in the power of prayer?"
"We are now cruising at an altitude of 40,000 feet. Oh, hang on... 35,000... 30,000... 25,000 Hmmm... Something's not right here..."
"I've never seen a mountain goat on a cloud before!"
"This is your captain speaking. Has anyone found my guide dog yet?"
"As we'll be sitting next to each other for the next six hours, would you mind holding my hand whenever I start screaming?"

I know you lot can do far better than me, so over to you, and have a wonderful weekend, akay?

ttfn,

*As I'm an only child I'm never going to have any real nephews and nieces, so my cousin has made me an official 'Auntie'.