To all you lovely readers out there!

May 2010 bring you everything you wish for and then some!

Take care of yourselves, party on, and see you again next year!

Love and hugs,

Ye Gods, the time has just flown by recently!

Last I remember it was Christmas, then there were a few days of blurryness when I had to think as to what day of the week it was, then today I look at the calendar and realize that it's a Wednesday, which means it's time for another Double Entendre Day, Caption Competition, your photo for which is* -



And also, it's the last Caption Competition of the year, so if any of you are still out there, give it all you've got and then some, akay?

There's a selection of party canapes for every entry and a glass of bubbly going should anybody get me to a 69!

So, for the last time in '09, over to you!

*Taken by my own, fair paw, btw.

Sneaky. A Tale of Crimble Mirth and Woe.

Lots of moons ago I had two of the bestest ever dogs in the world.
Shebie was a Borderline Collie that my parents and I were supposed to only be looking after for a couple of weeks until another family took her in, (She stayed with us until she passed away at the ripe old age of 16 and was always under threat of 'You do that again and we'll send you to live with someone else! We mean it!) and Chips, who was a Staffordshire Bull Labrador, and was a soppy as a kitten on Prozac until someone tried to hurt me or anyone else he loved.
They were excellent dogs. Very well trained, and extremely polite; the sort of dogs that didn't need to be on a lead as all it took for them to behave was a verbal or physical command from me and they'd be at heel or sitting down as soon as you could say 'Sit' or whatever.
Anyway. Both dogs loved Christmas time. They knew something special was happening as soon as the Advent Ring was first lit and by the time the tree was up and the pressies were placed underneath, they were both in a state of anticipation for the Day itself.
Now, as I said, both dogs were extremely well trained. Neither of them were the sort to try stealing food or sneaking treats as they knew that was 'Wrong', and my parents and I were safe in the knowledge that we could leave things lying about without them being eaten, chewed or stolen.
Until one day.
The day before Christmas Eve.
The tree was already up in the front room, placed just in the entrance so that when the lights were lit on the tree, all you could see in the doorway was the tree and the presents underneath it.
I'd finished all my shopping about four days previous, and amongst the gifts I'd bought were the pressies for Shebie and Chips.
The parcels were almost identical; a selection of chewy bones and rawhide treats per hound, and also an individually wrapped squeaky ball for each. A pink one for Shebie and a blue one for Chips.
The day before Christmas Eve, both my parents were at home while I was still at work.
All was peaceful in the house; my mother had been upstairs watching TV and my dad had been pottering in the garden until they both met in the kitchen to discuss what to do about dinner that night.
While they were talking they both became aware of a strange, sort of snuffly noise coming from the front room.
They ignored it for a little while until the sniffling became rather louder and was accompanied by a quiet squeak every now and then.
Intrigued, they went to the front room (where the noises were coming from) to see what was the cause, only to find Chips sniffing through the pile of pressies.
He was totally unaware that he was being watched, and so he carried on rifling through each gift, carefully giving each one a sniff and a very gentle squeeze until he found the one that smelled and sounded right.
He then proceeded to very, very carefully nibble a hole in the wrapping paper that was just big enough for him to extract the ball before taking the ball out and taking it into the dining room where he thought he wouldn't be overheard before ripping out the 'squeaker' and killing it to death.
He did the sneaky deed so quietly and carefully that my parents could only laugh, and when he'd finished the look of total innocence he gave them saved him from a telling off.
I wasn't too happy about having to try and find another identical squeaky ball to wrap the next day as I did (and still do!) loathe shopping on Christmas Eve, but Chips planned the whole sneaky trick so very well I couldn't be angry with him either.
I miss the sound of presents under the tree being snuffled to this day...

And once again it's Double Entendre Day, but today's DED is one with a festive theme, seeing as it's nearly Christmas.

So I want you all to give it your all and give my box a jolly good stuffing!

Your photo for today's Caption Competition is -



There's a mince pie for every entry and a glass of sherry going should I get a 69!

So get in there, and give it all you've got!

Ho ho ho, everybody!

Oops

Most readers here will know that years ago I got a job as a Fairy helping Santa in a Grotto in Ealing.
I really loved the job. Apart from some of the children and parents most of the folk coming to see Santa were cheery and polite, and seeing the look of amazement on the little one's faces when they met Santa was heart-warming. It wasn't so heart-warming when they threw temper tantrums or ran away screaming, but it did give me a giggle now and again.
Another thing I loved about the job was that I got to dress up in a fabulous costume for the whole day. As well as the whole fairy ensemble I wore a very blonde, curly wig accented with glitter, and I made sure my make up was perfect without a speck of glitter out of place.
I didn't go to work on the bus in my attire but got changed in the offices of the shopping centre which meant that I had to walk from the offices, past a bar/restaurant, then past the library and down the stairs, and past some shops to get to the Grotto. Usually Santa would walk to the Grotto with me and our short walk would sometimes take a long time as nearly everyone that saw us waved and smiled and wanted to say hello.
Even when I was on my own people would wave and smile, especially those in the bar/restaurant as the front of the place was one huge window and seeing a fairy walking past wasn't an everyday occurrence for a lot of people.
After a while I became a bit of a local celebrity. I was interviewed by the local papers and also by a cassette newspaper for the blind, and some children came along just to meet the fairy.
Also, for some strange reason, a lot of grown up men came along wanting to meet the fairy as well, much to the amusement of Santa and the Pixie who worked with us.
As the bar/restaurant was right next to the offices, Santa and I would occasionally pop in for lunch wearing our work clothes and one of the staff there drew a portrait of us in chalks with a sign saying that the place was Santa and Fairy approved, and that led to even more attention whenever I walked past.
By the time Christmas Eve was drawing close I was in the habit of waving and smiling whenever I walked passed as I knew people would be waving and smiling as soon as they saw me.
But one day I made a right idiot of myself.
I'd finished work and had changed back into my regular jeans, jumper, warm coat and hat to cover my hair which was always a mess after wearing the wig all day and also remembered to take off my make up*.
As per usual I waved and smiled at the people in the bar/restaurant and was confused when none of them waved back, but instead stared at me as if I was a raving loony-tune.
I tried smiling and waving again to try and reassure them that I wasn't and it was only when I heard a small child ask it's mother why the funny lady was waving at them did I realize that I was off duty, and did indeed look like someone with a social problem.
Luckily, none of the staff recognized me without the outfit, or at least if they did, they didn't let on.
I made sure I only waved when I had my wings on after that.


*One day I forgot, was waiting for a train which was delayed yet again, and asked a station porter why the train was late for the fifth time that week and wondered why he was staring at me in astonishment. It was only when he said "You're all shiny and sparkly" did I remember.

It's not just a Monday here in a small corner of W7, it's the shortest day and the longest night so I would like to wish you all a

May you find peace, happiness and anything else you want in life!

Also, your Choose-O options for today are -

• Sneaky
• Merry
• Oops

Choose wisely my cherubs, have a wonderful day, and don't forget to make a wish at midnight, akay?

Friday again, and only seven days left 'til Christmas*, woohoo!

So getting into the Festive Theme, I've decided to play another 'How Many Uses Can You Think Of For An Everyday Household Item?' and your item to think about is -

A length of tinsel.

I'll get you started with my ideas which are -

A lasso
A festive dog lead
A sparkly boa
A whip
To play tug of war with
To tie someone up with

Erm... That's it.

So over to you.

Have fun, and hope you have a fabulous weekend as well!

ttfn,



*Not nine as I previously wrote. In my defence I got confused and thought I had more time to get the house tidy and clean. Arrrrgh!

Being ever curious about the world in general, I often spend time sniffing about teh intermanet looking for weird and wonderful stuff to learn about.
As I'm usually only about three feet away from my 'puter during the daytime, if a question pops into my head I will shuffle over to the machine and go to Google to find out if I can get an answer.
As any sort of questions will enter my brain at any given time of day, this is extremely fortuitous as this often saves me from racking my brain until the early hours trying to remember such things as 'What was the name of the dog that was Benji's daughter?' and who the fuck heck is that Mark Jones and why is he in so many posters advertizing Cinderella around Hanwell?'*
One day (if I get the money) I would like to purchase a lap or palmtop so that I can find out answers to questions asked in the pub there and then instead of wombling home, looking it up and heading back to the pub again, but anyway.
Today I found myself curious as to penicillin. I know about who discovered it and how and so, but was wondering if it was possible to make it at home as allI knew about that was that I'd heard an old treatment for wounds and diseases was to dress them in a compress made of bread that had been previously chewed by a young girl and left to hang over running water for three days.
So I typed in 'How to make penicillin at home' and found This Mine of Information
I've hit the mother lode and as long as I don't clean out my fridge will soon be making millions and saving lives at the same time, as if you read the article, so can you!
Don't say you never learn anything by reading my blog, akay?


*I kept asking people I knew but nobody had a scooby, so I Googled the name and found out that he's a children's entertainer. Either that, or he's a footballer who's been dead since 1958. The latter could make Panto very interesting IMO.

So. That day of the week again.

Double Entendre Day, Hump Day, Wednesday, whatever you want to call it it can only mean one thing* and that is, it's time for this week's Caption Competition. woohoo!

This week's photo grabbed my attention as when I went to get my dressings changed at the doctors today, the nurse told me that to help the healing process I'm to get plenty of fresh fruit, so here it is -



A delicious pair of plums available for every comment shoved in my box, and there's a huge banana going should someone get me to a 69.

So without further ado,

Get

Stuck

In!

*Well, it means one thing here. Obviously in most other places it means other things. Maybe one day though, when my plans come to fruition the planet will know this day as Double Entendre Day and I will pass a law that states all persons over the age of 18 must ensure they slip a big one to a friend, relative, colleague or police officer at least twice a day or face the consequences. Oh yes, come the day I'll...

I think I'd best stop waffling for now, eh?
ttfn.

Fairytale

Quite a few moons ago I got a job as a Christmas Fairy helping Santa in his Grotto.
The Grotto was in the middle of a local shopping centre, on a raised plinth with nothing to hide behind except the sleigh which was big enough to hold three large sacks of the pressies that Santa had to give to Good Children.
It was one of the best jobs I've ever had as apart from having to deal with snot-nosed brats small children, I got to dress up and pretend to be someone else for the day.
Also, the money was pretty good too.
Most day were fairly busy and we didn't get many chances to go feed the raindeer* and some days were seriously hectic, but one afternoon nearing early evening, for some reason there were barely any shoppers in the centre, and the few that were there didn't want to visit Santa, and much less wanted to see me or the pixie that was also on duty.
So, we were bored.
We went to feed the reindeer.
We went to feed the reindeer again.
We played eye-spy for a while before we got even more bored and went to feed the reindeer again in the hope that a queue of people might have appeared by the time we got back.
But they hadn't.
We got very bored.
After about thirty minutes of doing nothing except smiling at the few shoppers as they passed by we decided to open some of the pressies in the sleigh so we could know what the anklebiters little ones were getting as a gift, and to our joy we found a toy aeroplane, a car, a couple of toy soldiers, a small teddy bear and a toy tank and we were soon engrossed in a game that was similar to Risk, but with our own rules, no board and a dice made of blu-tack.
My 'soldier' was the small bear and I got the tank to use to gain land and after twenty or so minutes I'd 'won' the land between the sleigh and the second Christmas tree from the end of the steps and only needed the bit between the third tree and the steps to win, and to get that I needed a six.
To my amazement I threw a six, and jumped up with my tank-bear at the ready to claim the land.
But, Santa decided to be a bad loser and with a cry of 'Oh no you don't!' he gave me a shove towards the sleigh.
The shove was a very gentle shove, but unfortunately I caught my heel on a stray parcel and next thing I knew I toppled backwards into the sleigh.
I wasn't hurt as the parcels broke my fall, but the parcels also took up a lot of space which meant there wasn't a lot of space left for me.
In fact there was just enough space there for me to get well and truly wedged among the parcels and the sides of the sleigh with my legs sticking out of the top.
Santa and the pixie burst into hysterical laughter as I yelled for them to get me out and their laughter set me off into fits of giggles as well.
Of course, it was then that a crowd of people appeared as well as the security guards and some of the shopping centre management head office bods who'd come along to see the Grotto.
What they thought at the sight of Santa and pixie trying not to laugh whilst a pair of legs sticking out from the sleigh cursed them between giggles I have no idea as Santa and Pixie left me stuck there until everyone had gone again, which luckily wasn't very long at all.
After they helped me out I called them some choice names and swore revenge and thought that would be the end of the matter, but alas, it was not to be so.
The whole incident was caught on CCTV and from then until Christmas Eve I had to put up with security guards clapping their hands and shouting 'I do believe in fairies!' whenever they saw me.
I can see the funny side of it now, but if I ever catch up with Santa again, he'd better watch his back.

*Go for a snout break.

'ello again!

As always I hope this Monday finds you all bright of eye and bushy of tail, which is how I would be if it weren't for yet another addition to my list of strange and unusual accidents.

Over the years I've been hit on the nose by an exploding tin of treacle, been hit on the head when the accident book at work fell of the shelf and got me, broken a toe simply by walking out of a room and many other wacky incidents that I try to keep well hidden in the depths of my cerebellum in case they resurface to haunt me.
The latest is that I was attacked by a hot water bottle.
Some of you may remember that I recently fell aspleep only to be woken up by a pain on my ankle where I'd left it right up against the hottie-bottle? Well, that resulted in a burn and blister, which although I dressed and tended to with unguents and so, refused to heal properly.
I showed my ex-partner-in-crime and another friend also noticed it and they both nagged me to get to the doctors or hostipal ASAP.
And so on Saturday (as it was hurting a lot) I hobbled to my nearest A&E department where a very nice doctor told me that it wasn't a scab refusing to heal but an ulcer.
Woobloodyhoo.
They let me go after a very kind nurse cleaned and dressed it and I'm now on a course of anti-biotics and have to go back to my GP every few days to get the dressings changed.
Still, I had to thank the EPIC and friend as I prolly wouldn't have gone anywhere near a hostipal until it was much worse.
So, that was my weekend. How were yours?
And while you're down there, don't forget to cast your vote for tomorrow's entertainment, your options for which are -

• Speech
• Traffic
• Fairytale

Remember, the title might have very little to do with what you think the story is about!

Today finds me going ever so slightly round the twist.
The reason is that since the end of November I've been hunting Haggii, and so far I haven't seen a single bloody one!
Previous hunts have yielded hundreds of the wee beasties, but this year - none. Zip. Zero. Nada.
If you see any of them, please let me know as there has to be some out there somewhere, surely...

Anyhoo, despite my lack of Haggii, I've been trying to think of something with which to entertain you for the weekend and this has proved as fruitful as my tally of Haggii as I've come up with sweet FA, so today, you can ask me questions instead.
Anything smutty will be ignored, but I will try to answer any other questions as best I can, so...

Over to you then.

Oh, and as I haven't posted one for ages and ages and ages, here's a delightful photo of a kitten.

Please feel free to add a LOLcat style caption while you're down there.

So, ttfn, and have a wonderful weekend if at all possible.

What ho, my delicious angel delights! I hope you're all ready to start giving my box a thorough stuffing as I'm gagging for another 69, and I think I have a photo that might just get me there this week!

So without further preamble, your picture for this week's Caption Competition is -
Your rewards? A delicious barley twist for every entry, and a suckable, juicy lollipop available should anyone get me that seemingly ever elusive 69.

So.

You know what to do, so start doing it!

If you don't, I won't get the whip out.



PS. Thanks to C'riz for this week's photo!

Woof!

Regular readers here will remember the tales about my first two dogs that I had many years ago, Shebie and Chips.
They were wonderful dogs; very well trained and always polite in public which meant I very rarely ever had to put them on a lead. All they needed was a hand signal or verbal command and they'd do what ever was asked whether it be sit, wait, fetch, or run. The only thing I never managed to get Chips to stop doing was on the occasion a red setter gave him a 'piggy back' in the middle of the nearby children's playground one Summer's day when the place was packed with mummies, daddies and tiny-tots. I disowned him that day as I knew he'd make his own way back when he'd finished and I didn't fancy facing the irate parents or the red setter's owners that much.
Anyway, every day when I got home from school, being the first person home I'd take them across the road to the park, and every day we'd follow the same routine.
Out of the gate I'd ask both dogs to sit and wait until we were sure there was no oncoming traffic, then when it was all clear I'd tell them to cross the road.
The dogs loved this part of the walk as every day the cat that lived across the road would wait for them. When the cat saw them come out of the gate and wait, it would saunter from where ever it was at the time and wait for them by a tall fence surrounding a neighbour's garden.
When I told the dogs to cross the road, they would run to where the cat was waiting, and the cat would taunt them by scurrying up the fence and jeering at them for being too slow.
After a couple of 'We'll get you next time!' barks from Shebie and Chips and some 'Pthrrrps! from the cat, we'd carry on to the park with both parties content in their routines.
One day however I got home early. The dogs were overjoyed to see me and were all eager to go as soon as I'd changed out of my uniform and was ready to go walkies.
We left the house, went out of the gate and as we waited for the all clear I looked to see where the cat was, but there was no sign.
I thought it was odd but I couldn't keep the dogs waiting for long so I told them to cross the road.
They got to where the cat normally waited, but were disappointed to find that it wasn't there and both stopped to see what to do next to which I said 'carry on to the park'.
As we rounded the corner we saw the cat ambling up the road.
As we were early the cat was surprized to see us and the dogs were also caught unawares and without a plan, so they decided to do what comes naturally to dogs upon espying a cat and gave chase.
Before I got a chance to stop them they all legged it along the road at top speed until the cat veered off into some one's garden and came to a stop in the doorway.
The dogs hurtled into the garden right behind the cat which did the usual thing cats do when confronted with dogs and made itself look big.
As the cat puffed itself up and hissed, the dogs back-peddled to a halt about two feet away from it.
The cat continued to hiss as the dogs stared at it in amazement. They'd never been so close to a cat and had never seen one make itself big and didn't know what to do next and so they both looked to me for advice.
Trying not to laugh I called them to heel and sent them on their way to the park which they both did PDQ.
I apologized to the slowly deflating cat as I walked past and it glowered at me in return.
We didn't see the cat for about a week after that and were very happy when the routine settled back to normal again.
The dogs never chased another cat again though, and I didn't blame them either!

I've been sitting here by my 'puter for the last half hour trying to think up anything interesting that happened to me over the weekend, but I got nothin'.
The only thing close to exciting was that as the dog who lives at my local* has a habit of leaping over the bar and sometimes knocking people over in the process, I made a sign for the pub which reads 'Warning! Low Flying Dog!'. A customer read the sign and asked what the sign meant, and a split second later he was almost bowled over by a Staffordshire Bull Terrier hurtling towards him. I thought it amusing.

But that's it, so I guess I'll just give you your options for today's Choose-O for tomorrow's entertainment which are -

• Speech.
• Woof!
• Traffic

And while your casting your votes, please tell me about your weekends. I need some vicarious excitement right now.

*No traces of the Polish regime remain, and now they've started doing food which, if the Beef Stew yesterday was anything to go by, is fabulously tasty, yay! Definitely recommended!

Hello again my lovelies! I hope you're all ready for another weekend of whatever it is you want to get up to! I certainly am, but then I don't have any plans whatsoever; that way I won't be disappointed if anything goes wrong. Good plan, eh?
I did get a fabulous surprize yesterday though; my cousin and her hubby came to Londinium to visit (which seeing as I only normally get to see them once a year at most was excellent) and not only did they bring me a Playmobil Advent Calendar, but I've been invited to visit them in the New Year, which means I get to see my family again and also meet a 'neice' and 'nephew' that I've never met before, hurrah!
I'm in a very happy mood right now!

But enough about me, I've thought up something for you to getcha thinking caps on for, and it is to think up as many 'Disturbing Things To Hear On An Aeroplane'. For example -

"This is your co-pilot speaking. If you look to the left of the aircraft you will see the captain trying out his new parachute"
"Hi! Seeing as we'll be sitting next to each other for the next six hours, fancy a game of Pass the Parcel?"
"Oh my god, there's something on the wing!"
"Hello, This is your captain speaking. Hold on tight, I'm gonna try looping the loop with this 747!"
"We'll be landing in about thirty minutes. How we're going to manage without brakes is going to be interesting"
"This is your captain speaking. Do any of you believe in the power of prayer?"
"We are now cruising at an altitude of 40,000 feet. Oh, hang on... 35,000... 30,000... 25,000 Hmmm... Something's not right here..."
"I've never seen a mountain goat on a cloud before!"
"This is your captain speaking. Has anyone found my guide dog yet?"
"As we'll be sitting next to each other for the next six hours, would you mind holding my hand whenever I start screaming?"

I know you lot can do far better than me, so over to you, and have a wonderful weekend, akay?

ttfn,



*As I'm an only child I'm never going to have any real nephews and nieces, so my cousin has made me an official 'Auntie'.

It's that time of the week again when I give you incentive to stuff my box with gusto, and today that incentive has been brought to you by Tzonar who sent me this interesting photo for today's Caption Competition -


I'm sure you lot can think up some suitable comments, so without further preamble,

Get

In

There!

A Jelly Baby going for every entry and a bag of Wine Gums available should anyone get me to a 69, woohoo!

PS. Thank you, Tzonar x

Wotcha groovers!

I'm still alive, but yesterday should have been cancelled.
Amongst the 'fun' things that happened, I got burnt on the leg by my hot water bottle during the early hours resulting in a blister the size of a 50p, I went blank when I tried to get some money out of an ATM when it came to remembering my PIN which meant that I've had to go through the usual pressing buttons rigmarole to get to talk to the right person who could help me get things sorted before my card got eaten, not getting to the money meant that my house was freezing cold last night, and after I got back from the unsuccessful money-getting/shopping expedition I realized that my key was in my 'other' bag and not with me. Luckily a neighbour still had a spare, bless her, so at least I could get back into the cold, so to speak.
Oh, and my computer also had another of its hissy fits.
Not the best of days, granted, and the worst bit is that I now have a certain Boomtown Rats song stuck in my head and going round at a steady 45rpm.
Anyway, how are you?
I hope you're all doing alright as today I would like you to find me some photos worthy of tomorrow's Caption Competition. If you have any suitable piccies, leave me a link to it in the comments box, and I might just use it tomorrow.
Oh yes, and any jokes wouldn't go amiss either.
ttfn,
*mwah*