Wot I did on my weekend

As regular readers will know, my weekend away started on Wednesday when I loaded up my car with bags of kirtles, Viking bling, spears, shields and half a pig ready to be marinated in cider. I headed up the M1 to near Goole, oop north, to stay with a Viking friend of mine so that I could use his kitchen to prep a load of food for the DAS banquet on Saturday night.
The journey was fine after I finally got out of London, and apart from the odd torrential downpour which brought traffic to a halt, was pretty uneventful. I landed safely, and chowed down to a curry and rather too much red wine.
Thursday was mostly spent hacking and slashing at the pork in order to get it into little pieces and into containers with the cider to marinate. Then there was a fab dinner and more red wine.
Friday began with a headache before I headed off to Doncaster market to hunt down soup ingredients before doing the main shopping at Tartarus* for the 5000 35 people attending the weekend. Two bloody hours of fighting with an overloaded trolley, rounding up escaping tins and searching for nut cutlets for the two attending veggies, I finally made it out and ran back to the safety of the farm to relax for an hour or so before heading off to Walesby where the DAS lot were waiting for their grub. Missed a turning due to a tosser trying to cut me up, found myself back in Doncaster again, and after retracing my journey back to almost the start, made it to the hall. Unloaded car, rounded up the errant tins again, and then finally got to chill out and meet and greet my friends. Rah!
Saturday dawned clear and bright. Sadly, I was not so clear and bright as I'd stayed up until late getting some red cabbage and apple chopped so it could soak in red wine and spice ready for the next evening, but after a large coffee I got into my fighting gear and set off to kill Saxons to death. The fighting was spectacular; the fields ran red with enemy blood, and Saxons and Vikings fell to the ground as there was some sort of strange slippery stuff coating the grass which made the battle all the more exciting. Alas, just as I was really getting into the fighting, it was time for me to head back to the hall and change from warrior to Valkyrie and get things ready for the banquet. I went out on a high though after taking out three Saxons armed with spears, shields and swords using just my trusty spear. Their death screams echoed in my ears as I chopped the veggies for the soup and set the pork and cabbage on to boil.
The time for the feast arrived and the sparse scout camp hall was transformed into a 9thC long hall with the tables laden with candles casting their light upon the feast and guests. Merriment was made, ballads were sung, and tales of battles long past were told as the ale and mead flowed long into the night.
Alas, all good things come to an end and in the early hours of the morning I grabbed my bedding and curled up to dream of [CENSORED] and battles.
At around 5am, I awoke with the need to go to the loo. This meant getting out of my cozy bed and wombling outside, down steep wet stairs in the cold and rain to get there. Not fun, but necessary. I got back to bed and tried to get warm and spleep again.
I'd almost nodded off when a mobile phone started to ring.
And ring. And ring. And ring. It was the most fuc awfully annoying ringtone I had ever heard; some sort of tinny latino salsa tune, and it was set to loud. Very loud.
I was the only person staying in the main hall as the others were either camping or bunked in the camp rooms, so I decided to ignore it in the hope it would go away.
But it didn't.
It rang again. And again. And again.
After what seemed like an eternity I was on the verge of throwing the bloody thing out of the window into the swimming pool below, but luckily for whoevers phone it was it stopped.
I managed to get about an hours spleep before it was time to get up and start clearing and tidying the hall.
I was not a happy bunny. I was tired, tired, and then tired on top of it, but the packing away had to be done.
The others awoke and over some much needed caffeine I asked if anybody had heard the mobile and knew who it belonged to. 'Yes' many replied, they had been woken up by the stupid ringing, and were also keen to find out who the owner was, but no-one owned up to it.
After an hour or so, one of the Vikings sauntered into the main hall smiling and greeting us with a 'Good morning everybody! What a fantastic night's sleep I had! Did you all sleep well too?'
We glared at him as he walked over to the bag containing the phone.
'Does your mobile have an incredibly annoying ringtone?' one of us asked.
'Oh yes' he cheerfully replied, 'but I keep it switched to silent while I'm here in case I forget to switch the alarm off for the morning'.
'Is it perchance salsa music set to very, very loud?' they asked.
'Oh, yes, it is. Why?'
'Because it wasn't set to silent, you bastard!' came the reply.
There followed a chase round the hall while I yelled 'Stand still you [CENSORED] and tried to throw heavy coffee cups at him, whilst he tried to hide behind others who were more than happy to get out of my way.
After a couple of minutes, one of the Viking leaders came to calm the situation.
'Look, lets get this over with now before it carries on for years. You (turning to the owner of the phone) just stand still and let the nice lady throw the cups at you, and I'll find her a spear so she can finish the job off, eh? There's a good chap'.
He fled and the cups remained intact.
But I'll get him in battle next time.
Oh yes.

*Commonly known as Tesco